Vanity

What is it?

Is it something I lack?

Or something I need more?

In my account? BOTH!

o_0" ???

I wish I was vain-ner. As in more vain??

Yes, you heard me. I would like to be a VAIN POT!

Why? Maybe it would make my life easier.

How so?

- My mum and aunt would nag me less on "prepping up" my appearance.

- I wouldn't always feel insecure around other girls.

- I could be confident. And be HAPPY!

- I would have no problem looking at my own pictures and videos.

- I wouldn't worry so much on how I look all the time (knowing I look good).

But I would also prefer my life to be LESS vain... more like no sense of self-appearance at all!

Why so?

- I could care less of what people think.

- I can be lazy and not take effort or time to doll up.

- I don't need to worry about how I look.

- I can just buy cheap clothes and stuff and look normal.

- It's not that I am in "the market".

- Not pretty, means not pretty la.... being less of a vain person would make it easier to accept.

OKAY, you must think this is a cynical entry.

I think so too? But lately, cynical is all I am.

Or maybe my SE level has just decreased suddenly due to PMS?

(SE: self-esteem)

It is bad enough I am not THAT smart in a little "retarded" :P

But now I have to feel like a disfigured pumpkin? Yes, that is the new word I use to define myself now. And nope, I didn't use the word "potato" because I dont even think I am worthy of using it! :P

*SIGH*

In case you are wondering, Graduation Ball was okay... most of us end up "camwhoring" (as what Meng would call it) all night

There are LOADS of pics, but because of my current condition, I cant find it in me to post them up!

On the day itself, Miss Yiang and I headed to 1 Utama to "doll up".

We had our hair done in Monsoon ID (curls) and make-up in CHRSTIAN DIOR!

Needless to say, everything WASN'T cheap but it wasnt often the both of us put "gunk" on our hair and face. (We couldn't do the make up ourselves cause the both of us are "buta make-up")

Ella said she couldnt recognise us because of the make-up (we barely apply it ever - so no surprise tak kenal la).

I had my Korean champagn satin dress on with my 6 inche (I think so) white heel on (which almost killed me at the end of the night).

For once in a long time, I actually felt pretty like a princess :)

And it felt real good.

But I guess pictures dont show it do they (kinda obvious I am not photogenic - so sad)? Or was I just prasan in the first place? :(

Regardless, I am not posting any pictures of the ball YET. Or at least till my SE level go up and maybe after a little editing?

*DOUBLE SIGH*

So yes, I wish I was less vain - so I couldnt care less and just post it all up.

But I also wish that I could be a vain pot so I can "take care" of myself better....

Here's the thing, I nak cantik, tapi I wont go through lengths to look good.

Yes I am vain, but NOT THAT vain.

I would never STARVE myself just to lose a pound and I would never bother to put more than normal cleanser on my face to have toner - or what ever it is - pretty skin!

So being a mediocre and in the middle in things arent really all that good sometimes.

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Let me tell you a story, a story of DIET!

Firstly, I dont diet, never did and dont intend to.

Yesterday, my aunt came to me with a diet plan printed neatly on a white piece of paper. She told me to go for it...yada yada.... get it la...

She literally forced me to take it in which it just ended up on the coffee table - waiting to be cleard by the maid.

Yes..... I know... I am so ignorantly mean. But the moment she told me about it, the first thing that whacked my head inside was - What? No! *END*

The next day - today: I saw it "stucked" on the refrigerator!

And at the end of the day during dinner, she asked me.... hows your diet???

0_o" ????

What? She actually thought I would go for it when it didnt even crossed my "shallow" mind!

I told her I didnt do it. And sat at the table ready to eat my dinner!

She on the other hand stood right by the diet!

Anyway, I had potato soup with rice. No lauk pauk for me because I like me rice to be in the soup (like baby food) and of course my maid would ensure I had lots of potato in my bowl!

The moment my aunt saw what I was eating, the very rutine and regular phrase come out:

"Potato again?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES THEY HAVE??!!"

And let's not start with the 'fat story' here... there is so much I can blog about without vomitting my dinner out!

So anyway... I didnt really eat it all - the dinner. I left it on the table and walked out saying I am full (it is hard to eat in front of my aunt! she would count the calories as I put the spoon in my mouth, lol) while she was telling me how she was sticking to our - her diet!

So later on while I was talking to her and mum, she told me she gave my unfinished dinner then to the maid!!! So I takde makan apa la. In which it was okay! Because thankfully after class today, Yiang and I went for a little shopping in Ikano. We also bought some food in KFC - I bought whipped potato and wedges (been craving them for so long). Hence I am not that hungry.

After my mum and aunt found out I had a pre-KFC dinner, let's just say another round of "fat story" la... - shall not go into it!

I had to roll my eyes INSIDE because I couldnt care less!!!

Yes, I want to be slim and pretty, but I am not going to deny myself good food for it.

Sad to say, for me - eat then worry. It's not like I am really FAT in reality, I am just not thin. That's all. Sure, I may have my insecure moments - like now. But I am not going to starve just to justify my looks!

Again, the same point, vain but not vain enough.

I am a true Malaysian - I like to eat. Period.

Okay, back to the story....

My aunt start talking and "complaining" about my "tummy" saying "yada yada..." :P

Let's just say I wasnt really sinking it in ....

Not to mention my mum too, beside there "shooting" me with all the "physical comments" yada yada...

You wanna know something "amazing"?

My aunt has this "gift" in telling when I gain weight and when I lose it. She is like this human weighing machine. And most of the time she would tell me where I put on some extra "skin".

Which btw.... no one else can NOTICE!

Usually, kalau lama tak jumpa then can notice la... I mean there is comparison from the previous look ma....but seeing me everyday, she can tell even by an mm. 0_o"

Okay, I may not be thin or have a washboard tummy, but I am certainly not FAT

In mean sense, I am just a little judgy or berisi.

And according to my grandmother, that is real good. :)

Anyway, I am not really criticising my family, I love them to bits. Its just some people have their own opinions and when you are the youngest, you just have to bare it all in.

*SIGHS*

I wish I was slim,

I wish I was pretty,

I wish I could eat it all
And still feel so dainty.

But I thank the Lord through it all for what He has blessed me with. I am very much more fortunate than others and I appreciate the joys and things He has bestowed upon me. I may not be perfect but I know I am deeply loved by Him.

I am created in His image and beautiful in everyway - I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder - and I shall try to "hold it. I may not feel "up" now. But I know I aint all that bad. And if I were, I am sure the "light of Him" in me will shine through. :) Amen....

So Philee, it is okay if you're not pretty or thin... As long as you keep smiling for real and keep it in you, I am sure "inner beauty" will come through....

(self comforting :P)