Here I am....

I like this quote :)

I am sure that most people have felt the feeling of being incompetent. Right? As normal as you are a human, there are times where you feel inferior to another being and think that you are not good enough. Well, I don't know about you but I feel that most of the time. *Sigh*

Yes, my self-esteem has never been anywhere above average. I first thought it was a girl thing, a phase in life where most normal beings go through especially when you are green and fresh. But then now I am not so sure if it's just a passing. Sometimes I hate it, this feeling of feeling that I am not good enough to do so many things in life. :(

Let me tell you something. At the end of my two month intership in FH Communications during the supervisor evaluation, my lowest grade was "self conficence" - 2/5. LOL! Yes, it is.

It has always been something I have lack not only now but even when I was young teen.

Sure I have times in which I thought I was better than others - during childhood la, :P

But as I grew I noticed confidence has a fine line with arrogance. And as "kasar" as I am, I do not sit well with arrogance. Whenever I used to feel "sombong" last time, I would then later on feel that the ground beneath my feet was crumbling and would be embarrased for thinking I was good - even when I was!

It's like I have this system in my body that tells myself that if I am "confident" I might be an arrogant person and I would feel bad about it! The feeling is like if I think I am good, then I am actually far from it. Like I don't deserve to be good. LOL. I have no problem giving confidence to people (and I am good at it) but I just can't seem to input it in my own head.

I am not saying that confidence is no good, as a matter of fact it is very GOOD. But I guess I am not fit enough to handle it?

LOL

I don't know la, I dont like feeling inferior to others but at the same time I find it hard to be confident without breaking my own nose. I just want to be the person who has what it takes and be fine about it....

Well, I guess no wonder I ain't sexy right? LOL

But I should try to slowly eliminate all that and build up more character. Hmmm... maybe shouting and "OOOoo Aaaa ing" like a gorila? - that might just help? :P

Whatever it is, I put my esteem in the Lord and pray that He will show me His will and provide what is necessery to do it. Amen. :)

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Ok, emo moment gone there. Let me blabber out what has happened in the past couple of days (aside from the emotional drama in my life last week - tehee). Me and my parents attended my dad's office punya family camp (Malaysian Care) in Golden Sand, Baptist Centre, Port Dickson. It was more fun than expected. Tehee... for starters I didnt' sob a tear then (parents with me all the time ma...lol) and end up laughing more than I did in a very long time. Yes... it was sorta fun, more than FUN!

We has Fun Night in the weekend and I laughed most of the time like a stupid retarded person from planet Pluto. LOL!

Let's just say the drama and skits and games were hilarious. I was in Team Joy, we got last but that was ok, cause the FUN was just too much. Boy... I can still think about it now and crack my stomach open! :)

The games in the beach was fun too, FYI, my team won 3 times for the tug-o-war! LOL! Yeah baby, I am tough! Super LOL!!!

The beach was also great - especially low tide. The sand was beautiful and smooth, the water was shallow and CLEAR! My dad and I just had to walk in the shallow but "deep" water to "pick" up hermit crabs! LOL.... (but we let them go la). It was great, and during mid noon when the sun is high and no one is at the beach, I dragged my dad then to witness "nature at its best"! Believe it or not, during low tide when the sun is high, MILLIONS of baby crabs come up to the sand to feed! I have no pictures, but the scene was FANTASTIC! From far it seemed like a HUGE swarm of red ants covering the beach, lol.

At first I freaked out bad as my dad literally dragged me across all the crawling crabs! LOL, it was a funny scene, I was jumping all the way! But they were quite harmless la, just that the sight of SO MANY of them caught my tingling sense off guard. I wish all of you could see it, it was ...whao!. Amen to the Lord!

"If God can provide for all those millions of tiny crabs (and all the creatures in the world), He can sure do the same for us. For if the lesser creatures are well taken care off, we can rest assure that we humans are better blessed. So let Him take place in our lives and have a "more-than-crabby-day". LOL."

So the camp did me good! :) As the matter of fact, the sessions were quite refreshing. Lol, and the main theme was Matthew 6:33 - "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness". Hit a point there? I guess it is His will that I attended the camp. God's will is just so clear when you "open" your eyes to it. :) Thank you God. You are amazingly AWESOME!

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After that, the start of my week was okay... :)

Had a "nice" orientation in college for degree. FYI, I am now under Murdoch University - Perth (soon to be fitly verified next Monday) and I am actually glad I am going for it. Well, for starters, it turns out the whole thing KDU + Murdoch fee is so expensive! To you rich kids, nevermind la - lol. But it ain't so for me, I could actually feel my parent's burden financially. But God is gracious, He has bestowed upon me loving parents who is willing to sacrifice much for my future. I love Him and my parents so much! Thank you for being in my life!

So in return, I will have to study and concentrate hard to obtain good results to not let my parents hope and money go in vain. (Can ar? :P lol) I do hope so, gambate Philee Tan!

This is the time to prove that I can do better than what I think . This is the time to eliminate the "lowness" of my self-esteem and push my limits. I am not a nerdy smart of a person but I think I can go for a B and above if I want, lol. So wish me toughness and hardworking! LOL!

So besides college and all, I had a chance to spend a lovely afternoon with my good-from-day-one-in-college-friend Yiang! LOL, before that, we hung out a little a couple of days ago at my place after grocery (yes) shopping at Tesco. Hahaha...

Then yesterday after orientation we went to 1 Utama with the main purpose of getting a passport photo (for the Murdoch student card thing) but end up having more than bargained.

LOL

We had a VERY good lunch at Johnny's (Steamboat) . It was a the perfect place then to eat as she was still little ill from her previous sickness, hence the food there is "jernih and sesuai". What more as the both of us love the food there. FYI, we like the same kind of things in steamboat, so its good cause we only order what we want and share and not having problems with unwanted stuff in the pot. LOL.

We had fish "worms" (lol), chicken balls, seaweed, spinach noodles, glass noodles, chinese cabbage, fish paste, fish chunks, mushrooms and etc etc....haha. It was nice and we finished everything literally! Even the soup! Everything wiped out! LOL!!!

That was the best lunch I had in days, lol.

After that had to get passport picture la, but then.....SHOPPING just came to place when everything was settled. Yes, we decided to accidently splurge!

Hahaha, we bought a lot of stuff and CLOTHES! Cause SALE ma and errr.... it was just the spur of the moment. I got a nice price on a sleeveless top and a matching cardigan at I.P Zone while Yiang got a yellow blouse. After that we went to this shop which was a "Play Boy" brand shop but with many other brands in it - Comma, Mickey Mouse etc. I bought a after-sale-cheap bright green T-Shirt which I think it was cute la. Then we jalan-jalan and bought several other etc stuff.

Last but not least, we went into Forever 21 (for me, believe it or not, it was my first time) to check out more. It turns out, there was a lot of nice baju la. Yiang and I "banyak ambik and try baju", lol. I took a certain liking to this pink dress/top which I think looked cute and simple la. It has a low V cut that shows a very nice "longkang", LOL. Cute but sexy. However unfortunately it was three digits in money and if I wanted to purchase it, I would have to go to the ATM. Not that it wasn't worth it - I wanted it bad. But I told myself I couldn't cause it would've been a bad habit. Besides, my mum would freak (dah la dah byk beli)!

Besides that, there was this another pink blouse than looked almost the same as the dress (but shorter and err.. nice). I took a liking to it too (the both pink blouse and dress) but decided the same that it wouldn't be wise to purchase either of em. :(

Anyone wants to buy it/them for me?! :P

LOL

Yiang bought this pretty yellow dream/top which looked really nice on her. Happy for you dear. :)

Errr...hehe. During the changing of clothes in the stalls, when I gazed at my half naked self in the mirror (lol), I begin to noticed something....

NEVER GO SHOPPING AFTER A GOOD FULL STOMACH OF LUNCH!!! LOL!!!!!

LOL!!! So yeah... hahahah..... or maybe I need to lay off some food la, lol.

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I am fine.

I truly am in a joyful way.

Sure, there will be emotional times and tears will come and go.

But I will still be smiling at the end of the day for God's very blessing in my life. :)

Thank you to whom ever you are in my life be it near or far, big or small. "Your" presence (even in the shortest moment of passing) has been a blessing in many tiny and various ways. Even if we are not aquainted, but if you happend to read this, know that I love you with the love of the Lord and *smiles*. :)

This point of time

It has been one week... since I last heard your voice.

And it seems like it is way way longer than that (suddenly, I tak biasa)....

Can't believe that the previous brief phone call we had then was actually our last.

I guess I just miss you... :P

Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy. I love You!

And I love all you people out there!!! With the love of the Lord! I do (at least I am trying to)!

Have a blessed day and I pray that the Lord will shine upon you....

Muackies and lotsa huggies!
xoxo

Dear friend....

The truth is....

That's true... you do. And it is not your "fault" :P You just have this thing on me....

There was this Sunday morning not too long ago (and not too present) where I walked into church and people started asking me what was it with my goofy and big grin I had on my face. The truth is, I didn't I didn't know that I was acting so for no reason.

Untill I found out that the reason for it was you....

And you're not really that funny of a person to me. :P

I guess we all have certain sunshines in our life, I guess you were one of it. :)

But I guess you can't control "ever" can you?

But thank you being there in my life.....

I guess I lost a lot of 60 seconds of happiness. But I guess I gotta start to try to change it....

So I try....

And I never regretted may things in the past, actions, words and meanings.
I only regret not being able to talk to you for one last time, to "close" it and to tell you everything I had stored up in my heart.
I regret all the unspoken words that means so much to me.
But I guess it ain't meant to be said?
That's the regret I have.
That I couldn't tell you what mattered to me most and just let let you walk so far away....

And I never regretted having you in my life.... :)

You have always brightened my days :) But I guess I have to learn and try to do it on my own now. I hope your days will be very much brightened by God's grace and blessings from now on. I pray you will have many sunshines in your life ahead...

The truth is:

P/S: Everyone who is raising an eyebrow here, thinking what-I-know-you-are-thinking, judging, sighing, thinking-what-should-I-do and think-you-know-everything.....
BUZZ OFF PLEASE!!!

This is my blog and I will do as I please, I appreciate everything done by you people - for the goodness of "someone" else. But I am going through a tough time myself and trying to cope in an understanding way, so don't judge me when you don't know me at all. I agreed to go along with "it" and back off (and it will be done), but that doesn't mean I have to do everything you say from then on. I live my own life and I will do what is necessery in my own way and in my own time. And I WILL be fine, THANK YOU for "caring".
I am NOT a robot!

Let His will be done

Okay.... this is a trial from God and maybe this is His will.
I will NOT question this time and moment.


I accept it as it is beyond my reach.


I will MOVE ON and live my life in a better way.


Everything happends for a reason.


Aunty Yee Li once said that if you are having a comfortable life, means you have to start evaluating everything especially your spiritual life.


So I reckon I should be glad that I can't seem to sit well most of the time now.


I am not blaming anyone especially God. If this is His will, eventhough I am most reluctant, I will see it through by His grace!


And even now in a "low" time of my life, I will give Him thanks and praise for His love is ever so real and there for me.


For I know He will never put me through something I can't handle.


Sure, there will be oceans of tears and weeping, anger and pain, suffering and sorrow, resentment and heartaches. But that is life. We grow through experience and trials.


And if somethings are meant to be, then by the Lord's will... it will come to past and future.


For to take a step ahead is to leave the step before. As hard as it is to lift my feet up, I will do it - even if I have to chop it off! * I am scaring myself here*


I guess by putting in all in the Lord's hands we receive patience to wait what really lies ahead of us, peace in times of turmoil and grace in times of depression.


We all know (at least we Christians) that we are to put the Lord first in our lives. Many have confessed it, said it, and "lived" by it. But how many of us have really done it?


Many of us think we are doing it, and many of the same people are actually not really doing it.


Get my point?


I can tell you not many of us have really done it in our lives. Especially in this world, this superficial, greedy and artificial world.


I can honestly tell you I haven't done that, and once before, I was more than reluctant to even think of it. For I was thinking...."Everytime we dedicate our lives to God, we falter all over again..." And it is common.


But we should slowly start to do that... to put Him more in our lives and eventually make Him apart of it permanently!


And then we will see that life in times of hurricanes can still be joyful and bearable (and more!) for He lives in us and hence, when we have Him with us, nothing can be against us!!! Amen!


I just dont know how to put it in words. It is all jumbled up inside of me! Lets just say... the main point here is:


This is a hard time for me and as much as I am hurt, angry, upset and sad.... I can't change what is happening. I can only rely on the "Big Daddy" up there. And pray that he will give me joy in the midst of sorrow, hope in the midst of despair and peace of mind when all seems to go haywire!


Two days ago, I couldn't seemed to even pray properly. I was too upset and refused to let the Lord take control. I just wanted to whallow in my own tears and "hoped" the Lord would have pity on me and set things right.


But He works in mysterious ways and I can only trust in Him....trust and have faith that there will be a rainbow of promise after this dreadful storm.


But now it is time to let go....


To give Him my tears, my heartaches, my false hopes, my anger, my sorrow, my pain and my heart.


And have it exchanged, for the better fruits of life. To prepare myself for His plan for me in the future.


Sometimes the times we rely in Him the most is when we are naked in tears and He is our only reliable shelter. And thats why we go through storms, but after that, with Him, we see a brighter side of the rainbow and live a better life.


After saying so much, I am still rather and very much reluctant to let go. I can tell you honestly I am as stubborn as a donkey! I know what I must do but my flesh is just too heavy. But in the end, each creation will have to meet its Maker again. To be broken out of the past, mould with new hope and made whole by His love.



No matter what the trial is, joy comes with Him in your heart....

For now...

Yesterday night, me dad and I went for The King and I musical! Weeeee...!!!!
It was great! The singing was awesome and the Thai dance was ever so dainty and elegant. The ballroom waltz between Anna and the King was spectacular! All in all, I enjoyed it. It was almost like the cartoon version! LOL!

Just came back from MidValley with my bro. I used my allowances to buy Joshua Bell's - Romance of the Violin - one of his first albums that made him famous! After so long, at last I am not so kedekut in purchasing the original and imported CD anymore! LOL! I was contemplating if I should get the latest album instead - Voice of the Violin. But however better start from bottom and go all the way up! :) *grins* - listening to it now!

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Okay...time again to let it all out! About my previous post.... I am sorry for some vile and wrenching words. As much as I do feel bad bout about it, I do not regret it. For I was very much upset and in a time of anger. Not only so, it was what I felt then and I have made a decision in not storing everything inside anymore. I am tired of just nodding and keeping quiet in matters that affect me when is not of my wrong account - after so many times. I know it has been a burden/problem (for you) for all this commotion, believe me if it is possible, I would have it go another way. But since it has all come to an end, we might as well end it "properly". I am not a servant in where you can just "dismiss" me like that. I may be the FOOL again! But this time, I'm through.

So, I will be waiting. FYI, for your call. Just one last call where you clarify everything yourself to me! And by not by your friends and not their reasons! I want it to be from you, with the naked truth. You have a problem with me, you say it! And I know you have no problem doing it. Please, consider me begging you to save a small ounce of conscience for me the last time. You owe me that much after everything.

If there is something you have to say to retaliate or counter back, whatever it is, please tell it to me yourself. For your friends words are no where near my reasonings. Let's just settle it ourselves once and for all and let it be PERMANENT! I am tired and I think you would just want it all to be over too so you can live your so-nice life now. So please, just call and explain it all. After that we will just get the peace we both need. That's all I am asking you....

But it is all okay... I just want to hear it from you, one last time. And then done, settled. How hard can it be? To end it all properly? At least then it would be sealed and there will be nothing between us in the future. No more worries....and just live our lives. So please.... just call. Cause through it all, I do care, so much for you despite everything! You may just let it go like nothing, but it means a lot to me, you mean a lot to me. And I am just letting you throw it all away now, and its ok, I WILL back off - only if you give me a proper and real explanation yourself!

I am sorry I am not understanding enough to "handle" this! I am through trying to understand when you won't even give me a chance to do so. If you find it all this so troublesome and restless, well I can tell you so do I ! I haven't had an ounce of peace since it all happened. So let's just be civilised people and end it properly. For you and me, thats all. VERY SIMPLE! I won't rest untill you call so please have some "mercy" and end it well for me. After that, you get all the peace you want! THANK YOU!

p/s: May be you are doing the right thing by breaking it off and if you think all this is necessery, than as a "friend" and someone who cares, I will go with it and support your decision. If I am a problem in your life, I will gladly go away (but dont put all the blame on me)! But please, do the right thing in a right way. - No matter what your destination is for the better good of yourself or others, it is not worth it if the journey you is take is in a wrong way.... (simple meaning: I wouldnt want "peace" that can only be obtained by the killing of innocent people - get the concept?). You want out, do it the right way - no matter how much sh*t you are in, that doesn't justify your actions now. Please dont think only for yourself. Some people actually care! Yes, I am making it a big deal out of it, cause it is a big deal for me! - You have no idea how much this is affecting me...

I am sorry for everything....I really am.

***********************************************************

Dear "M". I am sorry you had to get caught in the middle like you used to. And I am more sorry that you caught in this now. I am sorry you had to be a "middle person". I am NOT sorry that you are someone else's best friend - I wouldn't want it any other way. I am sorry I had raised my voice to you and said some things which are not pleasant. It was not intentional but please do know that I was very upset then you were in no way sensitive to it. I am sorry that I was mad and at a point loathed you for the things you said in a you-put-the-blame-on-me manner. You know nothing of how I feel, so don't judge me!

I treasure you a lot as a friend (I do) and would hate it to be "goncang-ed" by all this. I assure you, I wanted you to be no part of all this mess. But as you are someone else's best friend, you are also my good friend/buddy. I am not asking you to choose sides - and even when you are not on mine, its ok, I understand. But just dont act like you are against me. Some of your words are just too sharp, and for a moment there I felt like I was an enemy, like I didnt know you (or perhaps all this time I never did - nor have you to me) at all. I am sorry if Im "perasan" or over sensitive, but you mean a lot to me too. And I would hate it if things are off with us too. But I have to make it clear about everything for I wouldnt want our friendship to be based on untold secrets and lies - unlike the "other".

If you have something unrest with me, please do tell me as I will to you (as I did yesterday night). But if you think you are not up with it after all this now, I understand too. For what its worth, you were a great friend to me and if you think you cant be it anymore, fine by me. But at least, be a bigger person and tell me that yourself with an explanation. If you "tak suka" just say - cause yesterday it seemed far from fine. Anyway, just wanted to clarify things. So I know if I should talk to you or not when I see you next Monday. Losing one friend is bad enough, losing another is just.... nvm. Life goes on. Cant handle it anymore.

*Huggies*

God bless you all....

And through it all I love the both of you (as good friends) very much!

But I can only go so far as one person...

Let His will be done...

p/s: Just please call...one last time for us.

A parting thought for you.... :)

I woke today feeling the worst that I have ever felt in all my 20 years of mornings. I have cried myself to sleep tonnes of times before and I have seens mornings in which I pretended that everything that happened the night before was nothing - and lived my day despite it all.
But this morning, for the first time I felt "sucky" - so bad that I literally never want to wake up anymore. But I did, earlier than I did in a long time. I woke up and the first moment just dawned me that I was alive and everything with me was real. And thats when this excruciating sharp stab just hit me hard and that feeling of losing my concious and conscience was beginning to drown me in.

Of course... it would only be fair to cry when I wake if I cried myself to sleep. It could only get that bad right? I arised, dragged myself to the bathroom despite my heavy head and brushed my teeth. I walked down the stairs of my quiet house wearing my thick glasses and holding my two dear baby bolsters for dear life. As I took each step down, for the first time in my life I knew how a zombie felt. I don't know if I was amazed at myself and was in total denial of my current condition.

I started to watch cartoons. Because it was the decent and normal thing to do then. But the longer I sat there on the couch. the harder I could concentrate on the TV. I was losing my vision slowly and before it got any worse, I dragged myself up back to my room before passing out on my bed.

Do you know how to get a hangover without drinking a drop of alchohol or drug?
I bet you dont do you?

I do....

Just cry a river.....
And when your brain kicks in, you would obtained unimaginable "bengkak" eyes, a terrible migrain, extreme dizziness and before you know it, you pass out - literally!

A "friend" once told me that you can get blind by crying so much.
But that's not the main point here. *snorts*

You may be asking the reason to my current condition. And for once I am not sure. I thought I was given numerous reasons to act so. But to think of it now, none of them made sense at all.

I was always good at pretending, at lying to myself and hence deceiving others in the process. That I was okay, that I could still smile through it all, that I was willing to submit to all those shit and still be patient, that I could handle it, that I didnt mind taking the blame or just agreeing. And for once in my life NOW... I'M DONE!

I'm tired... of doing it all at your way.

A friendship consist of two people - two ways not one. If it has to end, at least provide me a bloody good reason and have the decency to tell it to me yourself! - we are no more in primary school, not even secondary!Can't be that hard, you've done it before several times. I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem in doing it again.

I dont know if I was such a terrible person of a friend or that I just wasnt worth your time.... for you to do it yourself.

I guess in life, no matter what happends we would always care for some people more and would always do. And for my case, I just couldn't stop caring for you. Ironic isnt it? Caring so much for a person and having the complete opposite return of action. It's ok, it is common among people. You cant force it or blame it and I accept it. But this is just too much!

What is so big that it has to end? Please, dont say because of the calls cause that is upright ridiculous! Most of the time I would sms you and asked if it was alright to call and you would say yes. Sometimes you call too. And everything seemed normal. Besides, you could just have said no (I KNOW IT WAS NO PROBLEM FOR YOU TO DO THAT!) or not answer my call.

If you had a problem, just tell me like you always do! You have no problem being rude or so.
So we would argue - big deal! We always do, but it always ends up right. If it ends, at least we would end in a fight, that would be much more comforting!

I am not "E" FROM BEHIND YOUR HOUSE! Where you can just summon and throw away whenever you please! Tell me, did your "friends" ask you to do the same with "E" too? Or is it just me? Cause "E" seemed like a bigger threat compared to me! You have you massive problems now and I am sorry I am not the RIGHT one to comfort you! But that doesn't give you the right to be a JERK all over again!

What hurts the most wasnt the breaking off, but how you decided you want me to know and all those bloody reasons that just dont make sense. With your council of "friends" telling you what to do and judging me without knowing an ounce of it. I dont deserve that, you damn well know I dont!

IF YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF CONSCIENCE AND APPRECIATION FOR THOSE TIMES WE'VE GONE THROUGH, YOU WOULD CALL!!! AND TELL ME YOURSELF WHY!!! WHY ALL OF THE SUDDEN - NOW!? EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE BEFORE! PLEASE DO TELL ME!!! CAUSE YOUR POSTMAN FAILED TO CONVINCE ME WITH THOSE "GOOD" ENOUGH REASONS! FOR ONCE BE HONEST TO ME AND TELL ME IF THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT!!!

YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH!!!!!!!!

AND IM SORRY I HAD TO POST IT IN MY BLOG!!! FORGIVE ME, I CANT LOOK OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR REPUTATION AND YOUR WORRIES/PROBLEMS WHILE YOU ARE CHOKING ME HERE!!!

Have a happy life "friend", please do! I wish it for you with all my heart!!!

And I hope you can sleep from now on and may all your worries subside!

"I can't tell you how much I bloody LOVE YOU right now!!!!"

People:

No questions

No comments

No sympathy

PLEASE LAY OFF!!!!

As you were...

~ What a beautiful time to go and watch the King and I musical. Of all days....

Lately....

Hello...

I kinda agree with this now...

Lately, I am just more than a little reluctant to blog.

Firstly, because the camera cable has been "sot" for some reason. Hence, I can't post up pictures in which of all times, I just have to have a load of them lining up to be "paraded" for my sweet readers to wash their eyes on...tehee... :)

Second, a little PMS has cause my blogging emotions to swiftly change from time to time. This results in me writing a "book" of my entire day's thoughts in my head but unable to leave them on the laptop keyboard. Bummer... I even had it all lined up in me mind... like a narration in Ally Mcbeal. :P

Anyway.... just catch up on recent events:

- My relatives from Belgium are (back) here in Malaysia for 2 months (after coming back 4 years ago) and things have been a little hectic around the house. My cousin bro has turned out to be a HUNK but we only said less than a paragraph of words since the first day, lol - aside from the compulsary hug and kiss (cheek) at the arrival terminal at KLIA. There are tonnes of European candy and chocolate at my house now and it is not helping with my PMS!

- I came in serious contact with a baby! After so long!!! Lots of hugs and kisses to little "Ka Chun" - the baby my aunt was babysitting (I totally "booked" him)!!! But I think I smoothered him with too much attention that he didn't really like me, lol. But since he was a baby, I was in charge, LOL! I love babies!

- Serious biological abdomen PMS (not emo) that causes the consumption of 8 Panadols for the last two days!! ~Better to overdose than to overpain~ Philee's principle

Gosh... it WAS REALLY BAD this month!!!

- Happy 21st (belated) Birthday to Jonathan Lai Tien Chi !!! I am glad I got you that cow! I first saw it sitting at shop quite sometime ago and when I first laid eyes on it, I knew that I was SO gonna get that for your birthday! Of course the main reason was because it was a cow, a cute cow - I knew you like cows! LOL, but I didnt purchase it then, for it was still early and something better might just pop up. But I guess somehow subconciously I just made up my mind to get that. Cause everytime I went into that shop, I would check the cow out, to see if it was still there or the condition of it. So a week or less before your birthday, I finally bought it - after stalking it for....errr...hehehe (better not say). Initially, I wanted to get you a nice and funny cow cup I saw at MPH, but to send it by mail would be....uhhh...not glass safe, so the plushie was the best in mind. :)

- Adults or middle age - to be exact, women are SO..... *speechless* I so don't want to grow up! It's ok Philee, you can take it! Let it go.... chill... I'm cool.....*shows moody and pouty face*

- I still have NO WORD of my application for degree in Murdoch University!!! I know Yiang.... haha, harap-harap we start together NEXT MONDAY! Let's hope things will go right! I put it in His hands, let His will be done! AMEN!

- I need to do better things during my holidays - or to be exact, the last week of my holidays - or to be more exact, the MAYBE last week of my holidays (If I get accepted into Murdoch by then la!!). I feel like going for rock climbing, but with "strawbery" following me now, I just cant move much. I wanna go out, have fun! I wanna dance like a wild crazy party girl and still be a decent person - which is very possible. FYI, I don't go clubbing!

~ Have faith in the Lord and let Him take control~

Something random....

Key word: "COULD"

Slash the "a" and replace it with "the"

As said, it's just random. So don't ask me mushy stuff, for I ain't got anything mushy to tell.
So have a pleasant day ahead and I bid you CHEERIOS!
God bless and lotsa smiles to you!
xoxo

This moment in this day

"I AM...."
I am just so..... *can't find a word for it*

I am feeling tonnes of things at a single moment and it is CHOKING me! Literally! My insides feel so heavy and my intakes of breathe are short and forced. They are all just flooding me endlessly. Everything, everyone....

Everything seemed so clusttered..... like it is eating me alive.

The comforting thing I can think of doing to myself to just to dunk my entire self - especially my head into a pool of water! Like a swimming pool and just stay there till I forget that I need to breathe. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to kill myself or drown. But I just want to submerge into some tranquility before the sky hits my very head!

People are so.... and I am soo....
And life goes on .....

Who gives in ? Who makes way? Who witstands it all? Who bites it all in ?
If not me?

Maybe it is a good thing, a big thing. But a balloon can only go so big.

These are the time when you wished you were invinsible, when you can just fly away and not come back.
But you can't, you can't leave others to suffer on your account or even alone.

No matter how much we try, it will never be enough.

But still, we keep pushing, we push ourselves for the sake of others, for the ones we care and love.
It is tiring, it always is.... for we are only human.
However, in the end we find out that we live for others and not ourselves.

Who will be be then?

It feels like the inner "me" is brewing a cauldron of "soup".
A soup full with:

Regrets - no regrets - aggravation- aggitated - tired- restles - annoyed - mundane - worried - confuse - has a prick in the butt - lifeless - colourless - fake

And through it all, the "soup" just end up being the starter for a full PMS main course!

Okay, I am not blaming it on PMS, or maybe I just have it since it is almost time for "strawberies to grow".... but with everything just rushing into me lately, I feel like this the time where my "smiles" are tested.

"There is so much to say but only so few to be heard...." - random self quote

How I wish it to be so....

I have a crush on Joshua....

LOL....
Joshua who, you may ask?
Not Joshua Ho or Joshua Kuan or Joshua Sia or Joshua Phillip or JoshuaTeh or Joshua Teoh or Joshua Loh (Yes, I know THAT MANY Joshua's)!
It is none other than:

JOSHUA BELL!!!!

Yes!! Moi new husband!!! Lol! I've always liked him as a prominent violinist (hence I could never missed out in watching him LIVE!), but after seeing him for real, I am totally gaga over him, lol. Yesterday (Sunday) my parents and I attended MPO again (with him as the guest performer!) at KLCC. For all you jinjangs (lol, no offence) who do not know what MPO means, it is the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra.
I have been excited for this matinee for weeks and upon seeing him... i actually almost squealed out literally! But had to refrained myself badly - cant make much sound in the Philharmonic Hall except clapping la, tempat beradab ma, lol.
JOSHUA BELL in person....my my...it was wonderful. Of course he was little older and broader looking than the CD album cover, but none the less he was a beautiful creature. I sat second row from the front - yes its near but I wouldn't want to have it any further. He stood just 3 metres away from where I sat looking dashing in black. I could practically smell him! One of his most prominet body feature was his thick honey coloured hazel hair, I swear if he didn't make it out as a musician, he would make a great hair model!
Anyway... when he started playing.... it was BEYOND WORDS.... I have heard many big time violinist play there in the MPO Hall but no one as beautiful as him. Yes, I am using the word beautiful... no other word would say more. As I sat there ever so near, I actually "stalked" him(lol) from head to bottom.... aside from his gorgeous hair, he wasn't that tall as an "ah-mo-lang", probaly only 5'10 or more. But the way he moved his body while playing the violin was just.....whao! While I watched him, it seemed like he was moving, ascending from cloud to cloud. Yes, I may be a flowery writer, but that was how I felt then. It was just wonderful. His fingering was beyond words.... and his bowing... was just something I imagine doing in my dreams. If you know nothing of playing a violin then you would say he was acting like a mad man up there.... but through all the madness, the music produced was fit for utopia.
I observed every move he made, it was as if he was in a trance, he closed his eyes most of it, as if playing from his very soul. Thought it all, through out all the bodily expressions he made, his right foot always remained where it was, which was something to behold. For thoughout his drastic movements, he didn't buldge to another place or space... keeping compolsure. As I watched him, I could see much sweat clining to his fair and concentrated face, I could hear him breathe - literally taking every breathe in. The stroke of his arm show no signs of tiredness and his position with the violin was simple spectaculor. There were 4 encores or more! He then returned in favour of the crowd to play an extra song by my favourite composer, Tschailowsky - None but the lonely Heart. He was awesome. After all that I have said, it is never enough. For words can only go so far, you had to be there. To be there in that hall. With Joshua Bell....

And his violin was the 1713 Gibson ex Huberman Stradivarius which he paid US$ 4 MILLION for it!!! It was lovely enough to be in the presence of such "a beautiful being and his magic" (too much? lol) but to witness him playing such a legendary instrument was like being in a different world....

Okay, I know you're thinking that I am being TOO MUCH of a fanatic (I am not that bad la), but music really can heal or in my case, lift the soul....it was all so beautiful. I am actually listening to his music now... very serenading.

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My stupid camera cable is duno-having-some-trouble-but-looks-like-nothing problem!! The camera is fine, it is able to take pictures but the cable cant seem to transfer the pics to the laptop!!! Hence I can't upload any pictures for the time being!!! ARGHHHHH!!!! (Big time!)

So no pics, hard to blog a bit...hahaha. Hence I missed out a lot in here d. Cause pics say a "thousand" words and without pics, it would be only my "thousand" words and as much as I love to write, it can be little tedious repeatedly over. Besides, the blog would look dull and mundane. LOL, thats why I am contantly putting icons in to decorate it a litte :)

SIGHS*

Anyway.... have a huggy day and muacks! God bless!


p/s: despite the beautiful performance by Joshua Bell, I couldn't be inspired enough to practise my violin...LOL!

I am a Chinese girl....

... and nothing else of origin.

My father is a Chinese and so were his parents.

My mother is also Chinese and so were her parents.

Other more, I dare not confirm.

But only that I know I am of Chinese origins.

Though my skin portrays the tinted dark shade of an egg's yoke, with "sepet" looking eyes along with an Asian figure no taller than the world's average height, I was raised in a Western way.

I ate frequently with a fork and spoon compared to chopsticks, I spoke clear English without knowing the basic of Chinese letters, I had nothing of Chinese taste in my wardrobe and I certainly did not know anything passed what my grandmother tells me to do during Chinese New Year.

Yes, I was a typical banana in the making. Despite being raised by my "Chinese - Hakka talking grandparents", English was my "mother tongue" or first language and second was Bahasa Malaysia. However, I was well adversed in speech with several Chinese dialects of Hakka, Cantonise and a little Mandarin. Since I was never in a Chinese school (except Kindergarden), I did not know how to read or write Chinese words, but if I was to be given an opportunity to learn, I would prefer to learn something else instead. French, Spanish a little Japanese and now I have taken a liking for Korean. I am a Chinese, but I couldn't read even the simplest words. According to my grandmother, it was sad.

I never really did liked who I am when I was young, I always wanted to be white, to be more. To live overseas and to experience 4 seasons especially snow. Not that I am being racist here, I am just saying what a young girl just dreamt off and how the world always depicts that the West is always much better.

As I grew older, I began to love myself and the things / people around me more. I guess after attenting public "kebangsaan" school your whole life, the "patriotism" just gets planted in you. I guess it is a good thing, I had friends of many different races and was more than fine with it. I learned to see people and not colour, I learned to love Malay and Indian food more than Chinese (lol). I came to realise that primary school canteen food was the best I have ever had. The 50 cent nasi lemak plate, the 20 cent kerepok lekor, the 1 ringgit chicken rice and so much more.

Sometimes I pity those (no offense) who attend private schools or chinese schools (ahem ahem). I have come to noticed that those who do so are less interative among people of other races and are only secluded among them own. Eventhough I am Chinese (and I am proud of it) I love being with others who don't share my "colour". Sometimes I find myself loving other culture more. If I could pick any food, it would either be Malay or Indian. I love the Ramadan month where all my fav traditional food is up for serve. Not that I am being bias or un-Chinese, but living in a multiracial country really is a blessing. I am more than happy to be my parents child of "yellow skin" and equally charmed by the "colourful country".

Okay, you may find it weird in why I blog about such...
Nothing inparticular really, I happened to just finish watching "The Joy Luck Club" (again after so long). For those of you who do now possess any clue to what it is, it is an American Chinese movie about four Chinese women migrating from China to the States in times of suffering and the connection with their daughter's lives. Kinda complicated to explain, you have to watch it. It is a pretty good movie, especially for Chinese mothers and daughters, haha. I watched it with me mummy today.

Suddenly, I was just glad I was my mummy's little girl and that I was a Chinese, period.

I am a Chinese girl who once dreams of being white, who loves Malay food, adores Indian culture, and speaks numerous languages be it foreign or local.

So I maybe campur here and there but "moi" or "gua" 's skin will always be yellow (not forgetting the sepet eyes too).

Here are some interesting quotes from "The Joy Luck Club"....

Suyuan: That bad crab, only you tried to take it. Everybody else want best quality. You, your thinking different. Waverly took best-quality crab. You took worst, because you have best-quality heart. You have style no one can teach. Must be born this way.

Old Chong: How many sharps? How many flats? What key are we in? Jing-Mei 'June' Woo: Z major. Old Chong: What? Jing-Mei 'June' Woo: Z major! Old Chong: Good.

- this quote is sorta cute. fyi, the piano teacher was pekak, so hence the z major...lol.

June (Age 9): You want me to be someone I'm not. I'll never be the kind of daughter that you want me to be. Suyuan: Only two kinds of daughter: obedient or follow-own-mind. Only one kind of daughter could live in this house: obedient kind. June (Age 9): Then I wish I wasn't your daughter. I wish you weren't my mom. Suyuan: Too late to change this.

- lol... good answer from the mum. meaning no matter how things get with your mum, you are stuck to her! hehe...

Lindo Jong: This one moment would decide for my whole life whether fear would rule or I would. I decided. Underneath I knew who I was. I promised myself never to forget.

[Before seeing her husband for the first time] Lindo (age 15): I have prayed to the gods many days for you, so that you were not too ugly or too old. (She sees her husband and realizes he is a boy.) I must have prayed too hard.

- this is actually a funny one if you watch the movie....

Waverly Jong: Even at that age, I knew I had an amazing gift: this power, this belief in myself, to be better than anyone else. If someone was bigger than me, older than me, it didn't matter. And if they were mean, I could make 'em sorry.

Ying Ying: Losing him does not matter. It is you who will be found--and cherished.

An-Mei: I tell you the story because I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way. No, this cannot be, this not knowing what you're worth, this not begin with you. My mother not know her worth until too late - too late for her, but not for me. Now we will see if not too late for you, hmm?

- I like this a lot... proves that I AM SO CHINESE...LOL!

Jing-Mei 'June' Woo: [opening naration] The old woman remembered a swan she had bought many years ago in Shanghai for a foolish sum. "This bird", boasted the market vendor, "was once a duck that stretched its neck in hopes of becoming a goose. And now look, it is too beautiful to eat!" Then the woman and the swan sailed across an ocean many thousands of lei wide, stretching their necks toward America. On her journey, she cooed to the swan, "In America, I will have a daughter just like me. But over there, nobody will say her worth is measured by the loudness of her husbands belch. Over there, nobody will look down on her because I will make her speak only perfect American English. And over there, she will always be too full to swallow any sorrow. She will know my meaning because I will give her this swan, a creature that became more than what was hoped for." But when she arrived in the new country the immigration officials pulled the swan away from her, leaving the woman fluttering her arms and with only one swan feather for a memory. For a long time now, the women had wanted to give her daughter the single swan feather and tell her; "This feather may look worthless, but it comes from afar and carries with it all my good intentions."

- this is really beautiful..

In the end, enough said... I hope you gain something by reading this... cause I know by "writing" it, I had a new perspective in my life.

Love your mothers, cherish your origins and make sure you get the right guy! LOL!

Love ya all... muacks!

Alo!

Hey people... FYI, I just guest blogged for Daphne, hence I will say no more here for the day, if you are interested in knowing what retardedness I poured into her blog, just go HERE. Have a blessed day and hugs!

I got a love letter...

I GOT A LOVE LETTER TODAY!!!
*Screams with enthusiasm (gosh, I can't even remember how to spell that - betul?)!
LOL!
Yes... Today, "I've got mail".....
I saw a little envelope sitting on the marble table this afternoon and immediatly knew it was for me (Ididn't know what was in it then). How? It's just a girl thing...or maybe the writing is just too familiar to ignore. LOL. At first, the handwritting looked like one of my friend, Chloe's. But after I opened... it was someone else.

The Envelope...

This is the Oh-so-sweet-and-pink-flowery Card!

Inside, it wrote....

With the card, it came with a letter as well...a lovely sweet letter....

If you managed to read it (click to enlarge la) then you would know.... IT IS NOT SENT BY A GUY!!! LOL!

Yes, it is from my "lesbo girlfriend" (super lol), Daphne Lee Jia Ee (correct ar?)! LOL! Thank you honey for your sweet effort and words. I am so "the terharu la".... muacks lots to you.

You are just so sweet and lovely. I am honoured to be loved so deeply by you.

Just want to dedicate this to you for all that you are:

To a sweet and dear friend, loving sister in Christ and lovely future eulogist for me....*hehe.
Huggies! :)

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Today... I had an unexpected SURPRISE....from none other than Jason Shee AGAIN....Mr... you very free la, lol. He dropped by suddenly without consulting me this afternoon (as always), I guess he knew then I can not shoo him away lo...LOL! It was very sweet of him to do so... he thought I was home alone (but turned out no la) so came by to check on me. Bought along lunch too, it was MCD!!! Despite me halfway having my "pan mee"....hmmm... So aniway, of course I chose to makan the MCD lo...hehe. Chatted here and there before the both of us end up watching TV for sometime. We watched Disney channel! LOL, for those who know Jason, you must be thinking "Jason watch cartoons???" The answer is yes... only in my account, lol. We tuned in to Aladdin and Totally Spies...haha. After that, he balik la....haha.

Here I have a youtube video by Shannon (His cousin's wedding performance) - very "Hot"....hehe... so I am helping him to promote it. Enjoy...
p/s: the guy in black is Shannon... he can really move - and the girl isn't really a girl, lol.

NOW....

That pretty sums up what I have to say now or should I say do now...

A lot of people have trouble doing it... And it is normal.... Sometimes it happends to me too, but for now, I am way ahead.

Since this is my blog...I wanna say something I don't usually say:

I'M A TOUGH COOKIE!!! I CAN TAHAN WAY MORE THAN THE MOST OF YOU!!!!
SO BRING IT ON!!!

If you wanna steal a car, don't steal a Kancil, steal a Ferrari.
So if you wanna hurt me, might as well just try to kill me!
I would be much happier, thank you.
While you are at it, please try your hardest.
Cause I wanna see who wins the game in the end for real.
I might lose, but not without a fight.
If I fall, I am gonna make sure I pull you down with me.
Either I die or you perish or we both face abomination.

*~ EGO MOMENT END~*

Note to public: I don't have enemies.... It is just my own personal ramblings. I don't hate, I just get upset with "low-EQ-mutated-mortals" in my life. Pardon my resentment, I am facing a restless period in which I myself am confused. Should I wave the white flag and submit? Or just fight till the death?