I like this quote :)I am sure that most people have felt the feeling of being incompetent. Right? As normal as you are a human, there are times where you feel inferior to another being and think that you are not good enough. Well, I don't know about you but I feel that most of the time. *Sigh*
Yes, my self-esteem has never been anywhere above average. I first thought it was a girl thing, a phase in life where most normal beings go through especially when you are green and fresh. But then now I am not so sure if it's just a passing. Sometimes I hate it, this feeling of feeling that I am not good enough to do so many things in life. :(
Let me tell you something. At the end of my two month intership in FH Communications during the supervisor evaluation, my lowest grade was "self conficence" - 2/5. LOL! Yes, it is.
It has always been something I have lack not only now but even when I was young teen.
Sure I have times in which I thought I was better than others - during childhood la, :P
But as I grew I noticed confidence has a fine line with arrogance. And as "kasar" as I am, I do not sit well with arrogance. Whenever I used to feel "sombong" last time, I would then later on feel that the ground beneath my feet was crumbling and would be embarrased for thinking I was good - even when I was!
It's like I have this system in my body that tells myself that if I am "confident" I might be an arrogant person and I would feel bad about it! The feeling is like if I think I am good, then I am actually far from it. Like I don't deserve to be good. LOL. I have no problem giving confidence to people (and I am good at it) but I just can't seem to input it in my own head.
I am not saying that confidence is no good, as a matter of fact it is very GOOD. But I guess I am not fit enough to handle it?
LOL
I don't know la, I dont like feeling inferior to others but at the same time I find it hard to be confident without breaking my own nose. I just want to be the person who has what it takes and be fine about it....
Well, I guess no wonder I ain't sexy right? LOL
But I should try to slowly eliminate all that and build up more character. Hmmm... maybe shouting and "OOOoo Aaaa ing" like a gorila? - that might just help? :P
Whatever it is, I put my esteem in the Lord and pray that He will show me His will and provide what is necessery to do it. Amen. :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ok, emo moment gone there. Let me blabber out what has happened in the past couple of days (aside from the emotional drama in my life last week - tehee). Me and my parents attended my dad's office punya family camp (Malaysian Care) in Golden Sand, Baptist Centre, Port Dickson. It was more fun than expected. Tehee... for starters I didnt' sob a tear then (parents with me all the time ma...lol) and end up laughing more than I did in a very long time. Yes... it was sorta fun, more than FUN!
We has Fun Night in the weekend and I laughed most of the time like a stupid retarded person from planet Pluto. LOL!
Let's just say the drama and skits and games were hilarious. I was in Team Joy, we got last but that was ok, cause the FUN was just too much. Boy... I can still think about it now and crack my stomach open! :)
The games in the beach was fun too, FYI, my team won 3 times for the tug-o-war! LOL! Yeah baby, I am tough! Super LOL!!!
The beach was also great - especially low tide. The sand was beautiful and smooth, the water was shallow and CLEAR! My dad and I just had to walk in the shallow but "deep" water to "pick" up hermit crabs! LOL.... (but we let them go la). It was great, and during mid noon when the sun is high and no one is at the beach, I dragged my dad then to witness "nature at its best"! Believe it or not, during low tide when the sun is high, MILLIONS of baby crabs come up to the sand to feed! I have no pictures, but the scene was FANTASTIC! From far it seemed like a HUGE swarm of red ants covering the beach, lol.
At first I freaked out bad as my dad literally dragged me across all the crawling crabs! LOL, it was a funny scene, I was jumping all the way! But they were quite harmless la, just that the sight of SO MANY of them caught my tingling sense off guard. I wish all of you could see it, it was ...whao!. Amen to the Lord!
"If God can provide for all those millions of tiny crabs (and all the creatures in the world), He can sure do the same for us. For if the lesser creatures are well taken care off, we can rest assure that we humans are better blessed. So let Him take place in our lives and have a "more-than-crabby-day". LOL."
So the camp did me good! :) As the matter of fact, the sessions were quite refreshing. Lol, and the main theme was Matthew 6:33 - "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness". Hit a point there? I guess it is His will that I attended the camp. God's will is just so clear when you "open" your eyes to it. :) Thank you God. You are amazingly AWESOME!
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After that, the start of my week was okay... :)
Had a "nice" orientation in college for degree. FYI, I am now under Murdoch University - Perth (soon to be fitly verified next Monday) and I am actually glad I am going for it. Well, for starters, it turns out the whole thing KDU + Murdoch fee is so expensive! To you rich kids, nevermind la - lol. But it ain't so for me, I could actually feel my parent's burden financially. But God is gracious, He has bestowed upon me loving parents who is willing to sacrifice much for my future. I love Him and my parents so much! Thank you for being in my life!
So in return, I will have to study and concentrate hard to obtain good results to not let my parents hope and money go in vain. (Can ar? :P lol) I do hope so, gambate Philee Tan!
This is the time to prove that I can do better than what I think . This is the time to eliminate the "lowness" of my self-esteem and push my limits. I am not a nerdy smart of a person but I think I can go for a B and above if I want, lol. So wish me toughness and hardworking! LOL!
So besides college and all, I had a chance to spend a lovely afternoon with my good-from-day-one-in-college-friend Yiang! LOL, before that, we hung out a little a couple of days ago at my place after grocery (yes) shopping at Tesco. Hahaha...
Then yesterday after orientation we went to 1 Utama with the main purpose of getting a passport photo (for the Murdoch student card thing) but end up having more than bargained.
LOL
We had a VERY good lunch at Johnny's (Steamboat) . It was a the perfect place then to eat as she was still little ill from her previous sickness, hence the food there is "jernih and sesuai". What more as the both of us love the food there. FYI, we like the same kind of things in steamboat, so its good cause we only order what we want and share and not having problems with unwanted stuff in the pot. LOL.
We had fish "worms" (lol), chicken balls, seaweed, spinach noodles, glass noodles, chinese cabbage, fish paste, fish chunks, mushrooms and etc etc....haha. It was nice and we finished everything literally! Even the soup! Everything wiped out! LOL!!!
That was the best lunch I had in days, lol.
After that had to get passport picture la, but then.....SHOPPING just came to place when everything was settled. Yes, we decided to accidently splurge!
Hahaha, we bought a lot of stuff and CLOTHES! Cause SALE ma and errr.... it was just the spur of the moment. I got a nice price on a sleeveless top and a matching cardigan at I.P Zone while Yiang got a yellow blouse. After that we went to this shop which was a "Play Boy" brand shop but with many other brands in it - Comma, Mickey Mouse etc. I bought a after-sale-cheap bright green T-Shirt which I think it was cute la. Then we jalan-jalan and bought several other etc stuff.
Last but not least, we went into Forever 21 (for me, believe it or not, it was my first time) to check out more. It turns out, there was a lot of nice baju la. Yiang and I "banyak ambik and try baju", lol. I took a certain liking to this pink dress/top which I think looked cute and simple la. It has a low V cut that shows a very nice "longkang", LOL. Cute but sexy. However unfortunately it was three digits in money and if I wanted to purchase it, I would have to go to the ATM. Not that it wasn't worth it - I wanted it bad. But I told myself I couldn't cause it would've been a bad habit. Besides, my mum would freak (dah la dah byk beli)!
Besides that, there was this another pink blouse than looked almost the same as the dress (but shorter and err.. nice). I took a liking to it too (the both pink blouse and dress) but decided the same that it wouldn't be wise to purchase either of em. :(
Anyone wants to buy it/them for me?! :P
LOL
Yiang bought this pretty yellow dream/top which looked really nice on her. Happy for you dear. :)
Errr...hehe. During the changing of clothes in the stalls, when I gazed at my half naked self in the mirror (lol), I begin to noticed something....
NEVER GO SHOPPING AFTER A GOOD FULL STOMACH OF LUNCH!!! LOL!!!!!
LOL!!! So yeah... hahahah..... or maybe I need to lay off some food la, lol.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am fine.
I truly am in a joyful way.
Sure, there will be emotional times and tears will come and go.
But I will still be smiling at the end of the day for God's very blessing in my life. :)
Thank you to whom ever you are in my life be it near or far, big or small. "Your" presence (even in the shortest moment of passing) has been a blessing in many tiny and various ways. Even if we are not aquainted, but if you happend to read this, know that I love you with the love of the Lord and *smiles*. :)
