Bubbling Butterflies

Currently Listening to:

Geu Deh Ji Geum

by

Lim Jung Hee

(OST: Full House)

I am a somewhat troubled inside.

A little.

Maybe just a little teeny weeny bit troubled.... I think.

Or not?

It's been bugging me non-stop, putting me on private emotional fits and fustration just envelopes my emotions all day.

Is that a lot or little?

Cause I keep thinking it's okay (or it's gonna be okay) and it will past soon in time.

But I can't help it... I can't help feeling icky and fustrated.

The feeling is terrible!

And at the same time I feel sad, upset and emotional. I'm pretty sure PMS is way gone and 'I'm fine'. But some things happening lately has just seem to get me in the nerves very badly. Not just one matter but more. And it all turns into a conflicted battle that just drives me crazy! Ripping me apart and tormenting my sanity!

I just wanna run away to my own wonderland and pretend I am a bubbly retard where my world only revolves around rainbows, flowers, butterflies and beautiful weather. And no one can disturb me!

***Cheers to retardedness!***

"Pretend you don't know and just keep on living!"

Dancing With Fire and Twirling in Darkness

Currently Listening to:

Terlalu Istimewa
by

Adibah Noor

"Some say, the safest place is where the most dangerous is."

"Yes, and there is where I feel the safest....."

"....avec vous."

Tit Bits of Her....

Currently Listening to:

Kau Ada Dia

by

The Lima

(OST: Sepi)

"Don't you just hate it when your heart betrays you?"

Life's a ball of butter!

Have you ever experienced those days where you have a zillion feelings, emotions, words and desires caught up inside of you but can't do anything to express it? Where it all just clusters and jumbles in and out of your head and storms the pit of your stomach like a hurricane in a balister? And all you can do is stay numbly stagnant where ever you are and fight the battle silently inside?

Have you?

I bet you have... in a manner of speaking.

We all have.

Sometimes, we pretend it's all okay and try to fix it and sometimes we RIP it all out to the world.

But sometimes, we just stay there and let it make the worse out of us. And we become something else.

Something entirely different....

Chasing Butterflies in the Meadows

Currently Listening to:

White Love Story

(OST: Coffee Prince)

Ultra Random Thought Out Loud:

"Let's go makan together. Just the two of us."

A Twinkling Smile

Currenty Listening to:

Nocturne in C Sharp Minor

by

Frederick Chopin

Performed

by

Joshua Bell.

"Somehow deep inside I see a smile. A small, weak but hopeful smile. A tiny, teeny-weeny bit of smile that was more than enough. More than enough to light a dim and weary shadow, hidden long and deep in solace and away from the world." ~ P

"Miracle can appear in the smallest of ways. Like a star, it may be dim and little. But it's faint light is what guides and saves in the darkest skies." ~ P

Gliding on Rainbows

Currently Listening to: Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

Second post of the day... I'm just freaking bored.

Things to do: CUT NAILS!

They aren't that long... but I am not used to 'long' nails (always had em short) and despite trying to grow em and paint them bloody red, I can't seem to tahan the consequences of having long nails! It's mahfan... feel's sharpy, uncomfortable in typing (like now), playing the piano and violin (believe it or not, I actually played the both of em today... see my boredom?! LOL!) and it pokes my eyes when I try to take my contact lenses off. Plus, with my skin condition, my mum would chop my fingers off if she saw even a 'slice' of white enamel on my fingers.

Things to do 2: Read the Bible more!

I am very free. Totally free and somewhat to the point where boredom comes into my life's picture like white to a paper. And I think this is a perfect time to meditate, pray and read the Bible, spend some quality time with God. Or should I say, MORE time with Him. And I have a few good book unread about my journey with Him. I should read more... yes I should! And I am not saying that I only spend time with God when I am free. Trust me, if I didn't pray those prayers all day in my end of semester (tension time), I would have not gotten through the pressure, stress and hardships or final assignments and exams. I give all the credit and glory to Him! I am not smart nor am I a study person but by His grace I managed to pull through.

No, you can't pray to pass but you can pray that God will give you the spirit of wisdom, knowledge and understanding. The peaceful and alert mind to remember and a hardworking heart to study well and pass you exams. :)

p/s: A follower of Christ should always put Him first, even in your busy days. Don't let Him be second priority or anything less than the first. He deserves the best. So don't leave Him for only your spare time or when you're bored. When you're really free, that's when you need to spend MORE time and even when you're not free... Do it too. And believe it or not, when you put Him first in your busy times, He actually helps unload the burden to concentrate more on Him. God is amazing~ ! :)

Time with God VS man made work = *you know who wins* :D

Obvious tips: Even when you're going through a hurricane of stress and hardship be it work or studies... just apply God's word in your life. Depend in Him, trust in Him (PRAY) and know that "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all else shall be added unto You."

Amen!

And suddenly, from a blog entry on boredom, it turned out to be me telling myself (and hopefully others reading this) that in Him I can never be bored (unless you choose to be and then you're not in Him lo :P). God is always waiting for us to talk to Him. He deserves our very best and time. So pray and spend time with Him, busy or free. You'll notice that the reward is priceless!

Have a happy day in Him and God bless!

*Hugs*

Kiss me!

Currently Watching: CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) on AXN.... going on to CSI Miami while slumming on my bed downloading manga and trying to blog. Oh, and sipping tea too...! I've gotten a deep liking into CSI lately... Be it the original one, Las Vegas, Miami or New York...(I don't even know which is which... I just watch!). I like Criminal Minds too... What's it with me? All diggy on detective and murder TV series. Hehe... I guess curiosity finally kicks in.

GGggggrrr......I NEED SOME SUGAR!!!!

A Spring of Waterlilies

Currently Listening to: Pudar by Rossa.

I always told myself that whenever I blog a new entry or post, I would upload pictures, lots of pictures (mounting up in my folders!!!). Real pictures. In case you've not noticed... it's been sometime since there was a "real" picture posted here by me or on me. Most of the "pics" you usually see are just 'pretty' pics I find in the internet that best describes my feelings then. Reason... cause they look real nice (maklumlah, my photo skills are horrible) and it's something lovely to view with my random words. And plus, being a lazy bunny... I've stopped carrying a camera anymore (too heavy) nor have the initiative or heart to bother taking them. I guess the food-taking, event-documenting and photo-blogging phase are over and now I just like to express with random and self explanitory words.

Maybe I'm just not vain enough to document my life in every event be it big or small for the world. Don't get me wrong... I admire people who do it... carrying their cameras around... taking pictures of everything they encounter (restaurants, food, people, friends, things, outing, events.etc.), they really have the consistency for it (and I must confess, I enjoy reading and viewing it in their blogs). I used to be like that but only for a minute or two?! LOL! Let's say... I just don't have the heart of effort for it anymore... If I were to document every event or outing or moment in my life... I'll be spending the rest of my time stuck to my chair blogging and I just don't have the "stamina" (okay, maybe not that bad... I'm not they 'busy', lol). It's a phase, a pretty fast phase for me. Now, I just like to enjoy things and keep it in my memories, unless it is really prominent till I have to post it up or when I'm just freaking free and my heart is just at the right place for this blog. :)

I've been promising Mdm Yiang I'll post up my Fraser's Hill pics since....???? Hahaha and I can't remember when was it... (too long d). And there's so many other pics after that.... and there could be more (If I actually bothered snapping pictures, lol). Mmmm.... I'll just TRY to post up pics NEXT TIME k? Hahaha..... nvm.

Anyway... just a little info:

- Daddy's day was nice... we had a nice family dinner in TGIF, Curve. It's been sometime since we last had a nice dinner with just the 4 of us! Things were great.

- I'm on a crazy phase whereby I'm super into steamboats...! My current fave is the one in Ikano(tak jelat langsung) with the individual pots...hehehe. And I miss Yuen buffet steamboat in Sunway...

- I went to the Harnam Singh ENT Hospital today... bout time! I got lots of brand new medications... (saved!!!) just in time when my condition got a little bad this afternoon. I got issued a Seretide Accuhaler, Nasonex Aqueous Nasal Spray, Cloderm Cream, Aerius Anti-Histemins and yellow oval looking tablets for my nose allergy (only one without a proper box).

God bless!

His instrument to serenade....

"Keep me quiet in the world, but make me loud in You."

~P~

A Basket of Love for you...

Currently Listening to:

Fly Me To The Moon

by

Frank Sinatra

"Dance to your heart's delight and never fail to paint joys and smiles on your loved ones. Speak the truth and protect the weak and innocent, for an honest and pure heart is stronger than any gallant warrior's. You are beautiful in everyway, sweet in anyway and precious in all His ways. Don't doubt your heart and never hide it. For it is a gift only you can give and bless others with. Hold steadfast in your believes and don't give up. You are made a treasure so treasure yourself and other around you. Know your worth blessedly and bless others with it. You are a diamond in a rough, do your best in everything and you will shine through. You are lovely beyond comprehension in all earthly and wonderful ways, let not others tell you how less you are but hold fast knowing you grasp to what you believe and see. For that is true beauty, true heart and true self. Through everything, know that I love you even if I don't know you or don't like you or know every little of you. You are close to my heart and I pray for Your happiness and love."

~P~

That people, is my heart's song to you~!

Yes, YOU!!!

(The one reading this - pointing at you!)

God bless Always!

Life's A Bloody Event!

Ugga-ness of: Nightmares of allergy attacks and bloody feet.

Don't you hate one of those nights where sleep is robbed out of you and you spend the whole night itching and sneezing away as if dust mites were attacking you in a massive war?!

I hate it... I was blood shot awake till 5am with ezcema wounds open on both my feet and oozing with "white sauce" and blood because I couldn't stand the itch. Needless to say... it wasn't a pretty picture. Blessedly, I didn't have long nails....

I couldn't breathe well too... felt like a "web" was sticking unto my lungs or lotsa ugga ugga choking me... And the "PURPLE-PINKISH (it's amazing they have it in my colour) breathing spray what so ever thingie was out of order".

And the "beauty" of all this was, I was out on Anti Histemines (or however you spell it) for the itch and empty on my nose-booger-night-time-pills (whatever scientific name you call it) and practically almost every valid medication. (Actually I have boxes of em... but out of date cause I was just a lazy bugger and couldnt have the "heart" to take em and just let em stack up till it's over due - sad I know)

Yes, I was partially my fault because I have been procastinating in setting up an appointment with my allergy and ENT doctors.

Actually it's not big deal.. it's common for me... 4 out of 10 nights... this happends. But what's special bout this one is "coincidently" I have the exact same wound on both feets! It's actually almost symetrical! And they're both UUGGHH and bloody! Hah! Perfect art of scratching ey?

Anyway.... to make matters even worse again... I'm out of my ezcema cream (or actually can't find it) for my darling wounds and I just applied whatever I could find in my "medicine cupboard" which was filled with dust and over due medications. And it's actually pretty cool to see both your feet on white retention bandages... hehehe...

No pictures though, cause to me.... it was actually a common thing...

Again, nothing major... just.... LIFE and me!

Cheers to modern medicine and insurance! And I hope my laziness won't kill me first!

Miao me up and Purr me away!

I GOT BULLIED BY A FREAKING-FAT-YET-CUTE-AND-HIGHLY-ADORABLE-PLUS-REGAL-BUSHY-TAILED-PERSIAN-CAT TODAY!!!

I find it to be very interesting but at the same time embarassing and stupid!

The story begins in this evening when I was trying to put my hunny bunnies back into their cages. On alternate days, I would release them unto the porch to exercise and to play around (cant confine them all the time) and by night, I would place them back. When I was getting ready and opening the cages, I noticed a certain dark and interesting shadow on my left (I didnt on the porch light then, I was pretty dark). I looked closer and lo, behold: It was a big dark brown and very fat persian cat laying on the porch's corner with it's yellow collar bell twinkling, eyeing on my babies. Oh yes.... You can practically smell the grim-ness in the dark night.

I grin-ed! The thing is, I love cats, especially big fat ones who happen to be really bushy and being a persian in a double plus! If you guys have not read an old post, I once said I stalked a domestic cat in my neighbouhood and that particular kitty happends to be sitting on me porch this very night.... "bonding" with my babies!

I hope it was not having any ill feelings towards my bunnies, but then again, if it did, it would have attacked long ago. So anyway, it was just starring at them and I too did the same except I was starring at it. My fingers got itchy and I wanted to pet it so badly. I love cats but my mum never did, so hence I never got much exposure to it in my life. I tried approaching it, but it moved a few inches away, indicating I was not a comfort party.

NVM!

I then quietly sat there... the the middle of the porch (the light was on then..) at night and tried to blend in.... I started to talk to my bunnies and petted them all the time while they were running around me. Hoping that I "got into the picture", I started scooting closer to the kitty and behold.... I PETTED IT!!!

And for a moment there I thought I was doing a pretty good job... It was responding and cats after all do love much affection and attention. So as I was happily petting it and thinking "hey, this is good.... my bunnies are such a good liaison...teheee.....", The kitty suddenly turn its head and.......

BIT MY HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ouch!!!

The up-side of it was it didn't hurt much but it left a red long scar on my wrist!

-_-"

I was a little pissed off and wanted to hector the bl**dy cat!

Internal thought then: ?*&^%$#@!?*&^%$#@!

Internal thought then 2: You come to my house un-invited, got rude and bit me when I tried to be nice to you???!!!!

Internal thought then 3: If you didn't like it then just walk away!

And then... after bitting me... the kitty made no intention of moving... it expected me to scoot off.....

I was like: "What the....!!!"

Act bossy some more....!!

But then again cats are arrogant, it's what gives them "grace" and pride.

But screw it for a moment... I was ricked off....it BIT ME! And I think I didn't do anything wrong and as a matter of fact, I treated it nice, I adored it!

Anyway... here comes the stupid part of me. Instead of shoo-ing it away or be mean, I succumbed to its "royal-ness" and blah away to my bunnies. My mum said I should just halau it and worse, use the broom.... cause it was not my fault and I have a right to do so... it masuk rumah orang some gigit orang wo....

Anyway, I took my bunnies back into their cages and guess what.... ??

Mr.Cool the Fatty Pump (my nickname to him) started to walk and take a "stroll" on my porch like he owned it! Most cats would usually run or scoot when people come to view (in my neighbourhood that is) but it totally ignored me! Okay, I admit... I LOST the battle in the beginning... I should have shoo-ed it when it bit me but I retreated. I guess I was too engrossed in having to come into contact or proximity with such a lovely cat (my dream cat!) that all I did then was just admire it despite my anger and pain. Bodoh I know (it was just very cute la).

So then after stroutching it's way around my porch, it settle underneath the porch's wooden stool, once again staring at my bunnies (in the cage). I gave it a minute or two before sprinkling drops of water on it which totally set it out in a bounce and leaped away.

And then I told me mum the whole story in which she concluded that I was "BODOH" for letting it "climb all over me". She said she would have halau-ed it with the broom...

Yup, I felt a little dumb la..... Should have bagi it some colour...ahem... if you know what I mean.

But anyway, it was a "fun" experience... Adoring beautiful cats certainly have beautiful prices to pay ey... Hahaha....

What a night....

Despite tonight, I still love cats, let's hope I don't get bitten again... :(

The Touch of an Angel...

Currently Listening to:

In The Arms Of An Angel

by

Sarah McLachlan

(OST: City of Angels).

"Je veux que vous teniez ma main et ne laisse jamais aller."

I should be jumping on rainbows!

Do you know what's really sad???

It's being BORED~!

Yup, real sad!

So sad indeed.

Really, it is.

When a young vibrant and supposingly cheerful and cherry girl is bored, it's really sad.

So sad.

So much to do, SO MUCH!

Yet nothing is done...

Yes here she sits, drowning in boredom and completey sluggish to do anything proper or useful.

So that's why it's sad.

Truthfully, one should never be bored for real. For there is just 'so much' to do be it in or out.

But the fact that I am bored and take no pride in improving the silence makes it even sadder.

Here I am, sitting on my chair in my pink pyjamas, hugging my Ladybird bolster and blogging on boredom because I "made myself bored".

SAD.

I find it to be so and yet so incompetent to do otherwise.

Humming out the Imperial March from Star Wars does seem to entertain me at all as it used to.

I feel so low, so sluggish.

Maybe over sleeping is really bad to the bones :P .

I keep dreaming of myself stroutching on the aisles of IKEA, slurping on its cheap yet delicious ice cream, walking like a care-free human being and just enjoying the scent of IKEA's cleaniness and wooden furnitures.

Yeah... something simple like that is enough.

Funny how it seems to be. Ikea is just 5 minutes on a car ride from my homey home and yet here I am stuck at home (mostly alone) and dwelling in my boredom.

I can't go out for I can't drive, my bro is always not available to do so for me, and friends just seem to vanish or have a tighter schedule in their lives.

No one to blame really, half of the problem could be solved if only I could drive, but hey, that's not the matter now. The matter is, I am bored. So bored at home and it's sad as I couldn't make myself any useful, not to myself and not to others.

I do my chores, I walk around the living room, I surf the net and TV, I talk to my hunny bunnies and I sleep like a pig. People have been asking me out, but somehow I fail to present myself at the location of appointment when I am so tight on transportation. I tried to drive the car out once alone, but gave up immediately when the car engine died right on the porch. Needless to say, the car barely moved.

Lame?

or

Loser?

Don't answer that!

My mum said that being bore at home with nothing to do is bullocks!!!

She said.... "Go work in McDonalds la! (Cause I love MCD) Smell it everyday till you get sick of it and don't want to eat it anymore."

I wasn't short of cash, I am a lazy creature and most of all, what makes you think wrapping burgers all day isn't boring?! LOL!

I told myself that I won't "work" till untill I graduate cause when I do, I'll be doing it for the next 30 years of my life. So might as well, enjoy the freedom of my youth now. Debate-able I know, but I am not a money minded person or a brand-crazy gal so I prefer to stay at home instead of boring myself outside instead for cash (just for a stupid bag or what).

If I were to work, I wanna do something I like (don't care got money or not). I thought of volunteering at a hospital or so but then again, the transportation issue always get to me and me and my mum end up debating on and on that I'm not ready and all etc. And how she's going to get me a car after I graduate and then can only I start to drive. -_-"

And I was like.... "If I go work in MCD also got transportation prob ma..."

Mum: "............."

Anyway... All I need now is just an IKEA ice cream and a stroll...

Argh!!...What a boring post....hahhahahah~ !

A toast to boring-ness...CHEERS!

May your day be less boring then mine....toodles!

God bless and huggies!

I serve an AWESOME GOD!!!!

Currently Listening to: Awesome God by Hillsong

I serve an awesome God!
He is ever amazing and faithful.

Love Him lots!

I was in rage and my heart could only dwell in it to satisfy my worldly nerves. It was torturing and tiring. I was stuffed with so much anger and almost hate inside of me. Nothing seemed sweet then and nothing was right in my mind. But God was and is always gracious. He took me into His love and grace, granted me peace of mind and subdued my flame. By embracing Him instead of my wordly feelings, I attained a peace of mind and a more joyful heart. I find it ever so amazing on how God works in our lives. He manages to form little miracles and change us in many fascinating ways. I am so glad, so happy and so grateful that I didn't follow on with my selfish and angry feelings (which would still made me sucky now if I did) but turned to Him then. Sure the temptation to stay angry to satisfy myself was very "sweet" and alluring but I knew my Lord had a better plan to install in me. A better heart, a better feeling and a better life free from anger and hate. God is so amazing. He can work wonders and so much more in your life only if you let Him. I did it tonight, I managed to let my worldly feelings go and turn to Him, to trust Him, to obey Him and to follow Him. And I am completely happy that I did so! The peace and joy I'm experiencing now is just beautiful! I wish you could feel it too....

"So trust in Him, depend in Him and obey His ways... For He'll lay your path straight!"

All praise and glory goes to the Lord God Almighty!

~Jesus rules, reigns and rocks!~

Over the Rainbow and into Your arms

Calm my heart O Lord,
Let it be filled with love, patience and understanding.

Let not my heart be clouded with anger and judgement,
But overflowing with joy and grace.

Teach me Lord to control my temper,
And to watch my words and actions.

Grant me a clear conscience,
And a stready mindset to act according to Your ways.

Help me to set a good example to those around me,
And to be a useful vessel unto Thy glorious name.

Show me Thy ways,
So that I may follow them.

Guard my heart Lord,
And let it be strengthened with obedience.

~ Amen~

Naughty as a fruitcake!

You Are Disturbingly Profound

You're contemplative, thoughtful, and very intense. Taking time to figure out the meaning of life is a priority for you. Because you're so introspective, you often react in ways that surprise people. No one can really understand how you are on the inside... and that disturbs them.

Are You Disturbingly Profound or Profoundly Disturbing?

You Are a Smiley Face Cookie

You're happy go lucky. So happy, in fact, it's a little past the point of normal sanity. You usually make those around you smile ... when you're not creeping them out!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

You Are 86% Pure

You're so pure ... you make a nun look like a whore! There's a lot of life's dark side left for you to experience... if you want to.

The 100 Question Purity Test

You Are a Cupcake

Cute and fun, you never take life too seriously. People are constantly surprised by how delightful you are.

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

Your Heart is Feeling Hopeful

For you, love is a feeling that's been growing and blooming. Whether you're in a relationship that's deepening or found a new love, your feelings are slowly changing. You're remembering how amazing love feels - and discovering emotions you've never felt before. Deep down, your heart is susceptible to: Getting a little carried away Your current outlook on love: Optimistic and playful Your love life will improve if you: Stop and reflect on how your love is changing Watch out for: Falling too hard, too fast - you've got to let your sweetie catch up with you!

What Is Your Heart Feeling?

What Your Taste in Chocolate Says About You

You are sweet, mellow, and easily satisfied. You don't like anything too intense and dramatic. Deep down, you're a kid at heart... and you're nostalgic for the past. You are emotionally expressive and sensitive. You're effected by everything around you. Your friends appreciate your open heart, but they are afraid of hurting your feelings. You love to be in love. You crave romance, whether you're single or not. You feel lost when you don't feel passion... you need someone to adore.

The Chocolate Oracle

Sunsets On My Window

Currently Listening to:

Somewhere Out There

by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram

(OST: An American Tail)


Drama.... it's a daily thing in life. You can either be a dramatic person or just have tonnes of it in your life. So which are you? Do you exaggerate most of the time? Or do you just have lots to put up with for real? I hate drama. It's one thing to watch it on TV and another to experience it. Drama, drama, drama. But it is a part of life. It is life... we experience it all the time. So what's the big deal about it? Don't need to be dramatic right? But what about intenal drama? What do you think of it? What of it? How of it? Is it worse than the other dramas? Far more suffering? Or just too dramatic for words or expression?

Internal drama. It kills you inside and leave you molting without anyone seeing or noticing it. It is the perfect killer, the optimum assasin without a trace of evidence. It rots you, rips you apart and sometimes it poisons your very mind. And before you know it, you've lost it. It is the battle within and sometimes you just don't know which stand you are to take. The war rages and before you can tell, little things inside starts perishing, dragging you slowly with it. Very slowly, it withers away in the night, leaving you bare and incomplete. How can two opposite sides co-exist in one mind? Has it come to the point of insanity? How can so much drama be conjured up in one thought?

Who are you? Who am I? Why are you torturing her so badly? Do you not feel tired? Why are you storing so much anger? Ill thoughts and pain? Let not it be harboured for destruction will come swiftly. It is near the corner. Yes, it is knocking on ones door.... Leave, please let it leave. Push it away. Send it away. Leave it. Abandon it. Her soul is weary. Let it loose. Let it fade away. I beg you. O I beg you... kill it. Destroy it, burn it! Let it rip with pain! Let it suffer till it ends! No mercy... no mercy... For she has none to give.

Angels Brought Me Here....

Currently Listening to:

Somewhere Over The Rainbow / What A Wonderful World

by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (OST: Meet Joe Black)

Suddenly, I feel free, fresh and alive inside. The song may be the reason to it (lovely peaceful song) but I think t's more than it. Maybe it was the heavy rain in the afternoon. Or the companionship of comfortable and friends today. Or maybe it was Him. Him smilling down on me, being ever more gracious and loving. *Smiles*

Indeed this is a wonderful world (note the song). Sure it may be a little rotten but from where I'm seeing it, despite all the noise, pollutions and hardships all around, I can see its natural beauty in all its splendour. It is indeed at a point, a true wonder. And indeed it is God's grace and blessing. He made it all so wonderful (only men made it the way it is now - spoilt and polluted).

I wanna thank Him for all his blessings here. If we embrace more of Him, I'm sure the world would be more wonderful. Sometime in your life, take a moment in acknowledging the serenity of our world and be grateful that we are not suffering a war or a natural disaster.

Be grateful and be happy. :)

In the arms of an angel....

To see the world in a grain of sand,

And heaven in a wild flower.

To hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

An eternity in an hour.

~William Blake~

*^*^*^*

"I'll be okay when I'm safe in Your arms and the thoughts of this world fade away."

Petals of my Heart and a Garland of Memories

Currently Listening to: The Prayer by Charlotte Church and Josh Groban.

Suddenly, I was reminded of my old (but short-term) blog in Tabulas. Not many of you know about it, as a matter of fact, I doubt any of you do (except a trustworthhy estranged friend). It was secret blog then... something I wanted to tell the world but at the same time bring to my very grave. After getting blogspot and trying to once again open my thoughts (general) to the public, I've then totally forgotten about my Tabulas blog. But today, I suddenly thought about it and hence went back in to view it. As a matter of fact, I managed to log in too.

Looking at it brought back many memories. Some which may have passed me by, some which is still very much fresh in me and some still lingering in my everyday thoughts. Funny how you read stuffs about yourself long time ago which you don't know now or didn't want to know then. I kept reading the Tabulas blog on and on and somehow despite the lengthy period of abandoning it, I could still see the freshness of the past tears and hearty words in it... it was all still the same. "Laying" there intact, away from the world, from people... just waiting for me there in silence. Waiting for me to claim a part of my heart back.



As I scroll through the webpage, I could still "smell" the feelings, the heartaches, tears and smiles back then. It was so real, so sweet, so fresh. It was as if it never left and I was stagnant all the time with it without noticing that I had blinded myself to what really mattered to me. Sure, Blogspot served a pretty sweet place for me to input my random and personal thoughts be it in pictures of words. But as simple and plain as Tabulas was, it was the only place which published my heart's desires. When I say published, meaning it was out in the world, for the world to see. It was in an open-wide webpage, written raw and naked. But I guess the world wasn't meant to see it for I gave no desire in exposing its link or source. I was "alone" then and because of that, I made Tabulas suffer the same fate too. I was "attacked" so much then that I couldn't display my wounds out to heal but to let it linger alone in hopes that someone might find it and save me.

But here I am again... looking at it, wondering how I saved myself. How I salvaged the bits and parts of me then to continue breathing, to go on, to survive and to make it through all alone. Reading Tabulas made me realise how honest I was to myself back then. How passionate a person I could be or once was. How I was willing to fight for what really mattered to me and to stand firm despite the world opposing me. It reminded me that I wasn't as weak as I make myself feel now and that I could withstand what others would deem impossible or would only dream of doing. It made me realised that the girl back then was who I truly was and wanted to be for real. Without the world or people around me telling me what should or shouldn't be.



I miss Tabulas and I miss the girl who used to scribble in it. I miss her so much. Sometimes I could still feel her in me. Feel her knocking on my heart's door and begging me to let her in before the "cold" took every inch of her away... I want her back. I want me back....

"Tough luck baby, GO DIE!"

I'm fine now I can still walk alone.

I'm the bunny on the moon!

YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!

When you choose a liability over an asset, you're an idiot.

When you expect something out of liability, you're an idiot.

When you wait on a liability, you're an idiot.

When you believe in a liability, you're an idiot.

When you trust a liability, you're an idiot.

When you invest in a liability, you're an idiot.

When you defend a liability, you're an idiot.

When you care for a liability, you're an idiot.

When you make a liability matter, you're an idiot.

When you love a liability, you're an idiot.

When you're sitting here, in your baby tee and shorts along with your old worn out comfy cardigan and drop down gangling hair at 3am, blogging out of idiocrisy, you know that you're a big time idiot!

It's random, it's idiotic and it's just me now... but it's ok, cause I'm an idiot!

And so are all you people! You're a whole bunch of idiots!!! Yup, you heard me, IDIOTS!

IDIOTS!!!