Under His Wings

The Potato is giving all praise and credit to the Lord God Almighty!!!
For He is worthy in everyway!!!

His faithfulness is awesome, His peace is so transending, And His grace is more than sufficient!

If you've read my previous post, you will know that I suffered a minor panic attact for a moment. Headache, urge to vomit, difficulty in breathing (more like hyperventilating), drumroll of hearbeats like mad and wanting to pass out...

It was not a nice experience. It was panic + scared to the max!

But in that dark hour, I cried out to Him. Surrendering all and just seeking Him for His grace and mercy.

And Lo' Behold!

His faithfulness became real. So real. So true.

I felt peace. Joy. And strength. All that was caging me before disolved and melted away. And suddenly I knew that it was not me, but Him.

It was an amazing moment.

The Lord was there, He was real and He showed me that it was going to be okay.

I am so blessed and thankful to have such an awesome God.

His faithfulness is beyond anything else!

Thank you Lord!!!!!!

The Light in my darkness

Currently Listening:

White Horse

by

Taylor Swift

I am so scared.

So so scared.

I feel like my lungs are tightening and choking my heart.

I can't breathe.

I want to scream.

I want to cry....

But I can't do anything.

I feel tired.

I feel sick.

I feel lost.

I feel so numb.

****

I need you Lord....

I know I am unworthy

But please take me in, do not abandon me.

Forgive me and give me peace for Your will.

Lead me to Your ways and strengthen my heart and faith in You.

To infinity and beyond~!

Currently Listening to:

The buzzing sounds of KDU Square cafetaria at 8am in the morning.

It's the first day of my finals exams. The beginning of the end.

And here I am sitting here with my Princess Coconut laptop (need it to study, all my notes are softcopy!) trying to study for my upcoming Communication & Conflict Management final exam at 9am (an hours time). But alas! I am not studying, rather blogging my morning through as my head is neither here nor there.

I have not finished studying yet *screams* and yes I know it's an hour away, yet I feel so un-needed to do so. Am I plunging myself into a serious abyss of doom? Or am I just too over-mellow to realise that my neck is on the line for this exam?

I feel peace.

But yet my conciousness is screaming "You're dead!"

I am awfully terrified and yet feeling like my soul is flying to Candyland where the Candy Clown is welcoming me like sugar and butter before devouring me whole (watch IT?)

So I am 'chilling' now while knowing later I am 'doomed'!

Btw, note to self, great analogy, gotta use it often (lame I know).

I wanna scream help but at the same time know that I was in the process of 'cari mati sendiri' cause I am not studying!

And to make matters worse, I barely slept last nite. What did I do then?

Was trying and struggling to study!!!

I gave up bout 4am something and knock myself dead on the bed and then started to realise half way through that I kept waking up non-stop cause my mind was just too worried and gila to sleep. Now ladies and gentleman, sleeping has never been a problem for me before. Even during past exams, I slept like a rock, nay, like a grizzly bear during winter!

But now, all I can think about is the exam and how to study for it (which I am still failing to do now). It's like I am so conflicted and pulled-apart! Argh! So drama! :P

Okay, I think I gtg now. Need to try to study and pray!

"Lord I submit today's paper to You. Let it be Thy will. Forgive me for my sins of laziness, procastination and disobediance. Thank you for Your forgiveness, love, grace and mercy. I am Yours. Grant me the spirit of wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Bless me with a peace of mind and an attentive spirit. Go ahead of me and may Your favour be upon me. I commit my exams unto You in Jesus's name, Amen!" :D

The Prologue of My Smiles

Currently Listening to:

Just Arond the River Bend

by

Pocahontas

The Potato is certified to the max as the most

MANJA and SAYANG - needed girl in the entire world of hunny-bunnies, huggy-buggies, kissy-mushies, snuggles-wuggles and sayang-mayangs~!

PERIOD!

:D

Would you contest that?

If no, then what are you waiting for???

SAYANG her la~!!! :)

Please don't blow the summer wind away....

Currently Listening to:

Won't Let You Fall

by

Fergie

(OST: Poseidon)

I don't mean to be a MELODRAMATIC princess here but I mean every detail when I say that I am really having a tough week. More like tough month! But then again, this week is the worst.


Sick - have been for more than a week! (sore throat, flu, cough, phlegm, headaches) + endless stress + tiredness + group assignment meetings + campaign management major end project + TVC final assignment (CAN'T focus now!) + upcoming TVC final exam (YET to study!)+ very dried up = I NEED SOME SERIOUS LOVE!!!!




I don't really know how to handle stress well cause naturally I am not a stressful person nor do I get stressed easily (and usually I don't let it get to me). If you know me well, I'm basically a mellow person who does not take herself too seriously (in other words, I'm not a critical person - which is why I am always so smiley and cherry). Hence.... if I say I'm stressed, means its a big deal (for me at least) and I'm really cracking out!


Lord I need You!!! I needs Your peace, wisdom, understanding, knowledge, strength and joy. Take all that is ill and sick away from my body in Jesus name and grant me a clear mind to think for my studies.



p/s: To dearie Alexis Lim Ying Hui.... thank you for being such a blessing to me. Your care, encouragement and support sustained me through my trying moments. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Heart ya lots!

Torns in my head!

Currently Listening to: Because I'm A Girl by Kiss

Squeeze me please!!!

End my agony....

Dreams to Dreams....

Currently Listening to:

You'll Be In My Heart

by

Phil Collins

(OST: Disney Original Movie: Tarzan)

"What'cha gotta say??"

O the Strawberry-ness of Me!

Currently Listening to: Let Me Lie by Hayley Westenra.

The Potato seems rather reluctant to start blogging and posting pictures of her 5th day in Cambodia. Perhaps, it's her laziness to edit the sizes of the photos? The nonchalant manner in trying to upload them? The divided views in whether to put them in parts? The little dizziness that has lingered in her left temple since yesterday? Or just PMS???

Don't mess with the 'kitty'!

I know PMS is a very common trade among girls and women and expecially me as it never seem to ever leave me alone every month. Emo-ness, cramps, back aches, lethargicness...etc. It seems to be a bl**dy annoying cycle.... wait, it's more than a cycle! It's an evolving cycle that gets worst. I recall the first PMS I had to go through when I first started to "age biologically".

First was cramps... VERY BAD cramps, in my early teens. Then 'heaviness' (lack of energy) came in... making me feel like a slug in school then whenever 'strawberry' came. In mid teen, emotions ran wild and that's when life is suddenly a big soap opera. And before I knew it... after the teen phrase (when the big 2-0 age comes to the picture), back aches start to attack as if osteoperosis jacked my spine. And now... in this very month, I've just discovered a new symptom...a very annoying one at that... headaches!!! Plus them altogether and you'll get a circus of disasters ni ya!

I never knew that headaches were a form of PMS cause I never had it nor knew anyone who did. Most girls I know commonly and usually only have cramps and emo-ess but on my case... it just keeps piling up. I have an annoying case of dizziness and head roller-coaster yesteryday noon and thought that maybe it was due to my contact lenses of something else. The fact that it was PMS never crossed my mind till Mdm Yiang told me. Hmmm.... I couldn't think about it much then for as I returned home, I immediatly dropped 'dead' on the bed and zero-ed out for the next 5 hours. Actually, it didn't really zzzz for real but just half concious lying on the bed as the headache did not permit me to doze off. It was wrecky!

And today... my head is giving me the same knocking on my temples. So get it all straight, I went online to search for the answers. And guess what, it is a PMS symptom. And I learned more... that PMS does 'evolve' and adds on more symptoms in life as you grow/age. Which freaking explains, why each phase of my life seems to be getting worse during 'strawberry'. So much for cramps, emo-ness, back aches, and a sluggy body... now I have to as headaches to the list!!! Darn! But at least I'm not that bad.... errr.. am I? I found out there are a lot more PMS symptoms and thankfully I'm not having them (YET????)... but as it states, it does pile up as you age. A few of them are acne (walau), bloating and tender breasts... which errr.. I don't think I have (nor want to have - sekarang also pening d every month).

Girl's rules and rocks but it isn't easy being one...

For reference and more:

http://health.yahoo.com/women-overview/premenstrual-syndrome-pms-topic-overview/healthwise--hw139442.html

A Puzzle of Thoughts....

Currently Listening to:

Amazing Grace (My Chains Have Gone)

by

Chris Tomlin

(OST: Amazing Grace the movie).

Currently Doing:

- Downloading manga... (titled: Birthday Songs 4/1)

- Browsing through mangafox.com for new manga to read...

- Reading Maimiko Touko no Jikenbo manga...

- Thinking if I'm getting really addicted to manga and if I'll survive on... :P

- Having a minor brain tension which should be cured with some peace and slumber...

- Mentally jumble-ed up and needs a good old teddy bear hug...

- Contemplating randomly in an insane way on whether I should shave my head bald to 'balance myself'...

- Wondering what a hocus pocus-ly horrible person I am and needs to be send to a locked up tower in a convent high up a mountain for some life reflection with God. I'm feeling like a guilty rat now against crimes to myself and Him....

- Need to depend on Him more!!! PRAY!!

- Sulking in my own way and realising I need to think and wonder less in life... I need action and determination!

Have a blessed weekend people!

Bubbling Butterflies

Currently Listening to:

Geu Deh Ji Geum

by

Lim Jung Hee

(OST: Full House)

I am a somewhat troubled inside.

A little.

Maybe just a little teeny weeny bit troubled.... I think.

Or not?

It's been bugging me non-stop, putting me on private emotional fits and fustration just envelopes my emotions all day.

Is that a lot or little?

Cause I keep thinking it's okay (or it's gonna be okay) and it will past soon in time.

But I can't help it... I can't help feeling icky and fustrated.

The feeling is terrible!

And at the same time I feel sad, upset and emotional. I'm pretty sure PMS is way gone and 'I'm fine'. But some things happening lately has just seem to get me in the nerves very badly. Not just one matter but more. And it all turns into a conflicted battle that just drives me crazy! Ripping me apart and tormenting my sanity!

I just wanna run away to my own wonderland and pretend I am a bubbly retard where my world only revolves around rainbows, flowers, butterflies and beautiful weather. And no one can disturb me!

***Cheers to retardedness!***

"Pretend you don't know and just keep on living!"

Life's a ball of butter!

Have you ever experienced those days where you have a zillion feelings, emotions, words and desires caught up inside of you but can't do anything to express it? Where it all just clusters and jumbles in and out of your head and storms the pit of your stomach like a hurricane in a balister? And all you can do is stay numbly stagnant where ever you are and fight the battle silently inside?

Have you?

I bet you have... in a manner of speaking.

We all have.

Sometimes, we pretend it's all okay and try to fix it and sometimes we RIP it all out to the world.

But sometimes, we just stay there and let it make the worse out of us. And we become something else.

Something entirely different....

A Teardrop Away...

Currently Listening (current craze too): White Love Story - Coffee Prince OST

I guess the strike of PMS is inevitable! Emotions run wild and tears are only a blink away. Sometimes I don't know if I like it or it's just plain troublemsome. But I very much fancy the feeling, the feeling of having emotions and being able to channel it more outwardly. I guess in a way it makes me human and vunerable to others at times. And sometimes I don't mind that, cause it's not really easy stuffing everything inside a smile and making it work.

Sometimes I "rain" like a storm (mostly at night), sometimes I bite the head of others, sometimes I yakk like a goat (about nothing and everything), sometimes I hug and kiss people (family la) like embracing a big fat cute infant with "rambutan" cheeks and sometimes I become a little cuckoo and start acting weird (making faces to myself in the mirror).

And sometimes I am thankful. For real, for being able to shed tears again from time to time. Sometimes, life seems so dry. My eyes seem so dry. They used to be the broken tap of a water tank and I must confess, the title "cry baby" was always or somehow incorporated into my image. But since "then and there", my eyes became the pits of sand and the "tank of water" dried out and I could not find a reason to fill it anymore.

But PMS gives me the rare rain in "my drought", an oasis in my desert and comfort in being "fleshy". It returns emotion and unleashes the "wild" side. The side in where I am able to shout out loud in my room and confess out loud if I love or hate you (applicable to anyone)! :)

And sometimes it can get a little depressing. Or sometimes a lot. And that's when that happends,

*Bohohohohohoho....!!!*

And that's not just the conventional crying but the ones where you "rain" like a very upset baby.

:P

Like this:

LOL....
And actually, as sad as it seems. It feels good. It feels good to just rain it out. On the other hand, at that moment, I actually felt happy to be miserable at that moment. The rush of emotions and tears just flood inspiration and joy in. :P It makes me happy knowing I am sane, alive and human. It makes me happy that I can feel. That I can feel myself and you.

Thought out Loud:

"....nothing." =D

Complications of the heart

I am freaking fustrated!!!!

Very fustrated!

Ultimately frustrated!

I feel like banging my head unto the wall and scream my heart out!!!

Nay, more like jumping off a cliff or eating someone up - bites off the head!

I'm pretty upset, quite upset or more like seriously upset.

Not because of anything or anyone but because of myself.

I am a terrible person! A very big one!

Let's just say, I am far from being proud of myself today.

I shall not linger in explanations but just wanting to express my "argh-ness".

I think I need to be locked up somewhere deep from "normal" people, maybe somewhere nice. Like a convent or an abbey or a castle or a mansion or a manor on the mountain or hill top. (think Sound of Music)

Where I can get away from everyone I know and be someone I want to be for real.

Just to calm my soul and to seek solitude of repentance. To cleanse my disgusting and wrecked self and just to flee away from my current life.

Sometimes I feel like I am being torn apart inside and its splitting me to be someone I don't want to be. I feel so tired and restless.

Sometimes I just wanna let it all out and just do as I please.

Be an uncivilised person and turn into the animal inside of me. Sounds vile?

Or just be an angel and keep it that way!

I feel like screaming so bad.... But no matter how much I tried I couldnt, the neighbours would hear :P

And I don't want the police or security to get to my place. *Cuckles*

But seriously, I am desperate to just let it all out of my lungs.

But then again, who would hear it?!

Who to truly hear the cry of my heart?

Sometimes I feel like a concious person living in a vegetable form. It's like I am wide awake but my body is just not reacting to it. Like I am screaming to get out but no one sees it as this shell only response to nothing!

Like just being let out of GM or anestatic (o_O)? - Experience it before after my 2004 surgery when I was pushed out of the operating room. Where you are concious of things around you but you just cant move or react to it? Like your body is not your own. It's like you can hear the doctors and your family members talking but you can't even move a finger to react?

That's my point, that's how I feel sometimes. I know and I feel ever so real. But I cant seem to convey it out. Like my body is not my own and no one seems to notice. Just like how my mum couldnt hear me when I called out to her in the hospital room. Cause in real life then, I was just lying "dead" on the bed not moving.

Maybe somethings are not meant to be let out.

But it is as said - tearing me apart!

It's like I am keeping so much inside but I cant let out. And it is killing me inside.

Sometimes it feels like I'm in limbo! Ouch!

And I don't want to be lukewarm...

I want to be ME!!! And a very good one too!

I want to wake up and know that everything is alright!

I want to be happy again!

I am pathetically desperate for it!

*************************************

~Let Your will be done~

"Lord, grant me the peace of mind to deal with matters wisely. Give me the spirit of understanding, wisdom and knowledge. Guard my heart and mind to do what is right in Your eyes and forgive me of my imperfections."

Amen