Complications of the heart

I am freaking fustrated!!!!

Very fustrated!

Ultimately frustrated!

I feel like banging my head unto the wall and scream my heart out!!!

Nay, more like jumping off a cliff or eating someone up - bites off the head!

I'm pretty upset, quite upset or more like seriously upset.

Not because of anything or anyone but because of myself.

I am a terrible person! A very big one!

Let's just say, I am far from being proud of myself today.

I shall not linger in explanations but just wanting to express my "argh-ness".

I think I need to be locked up somewhere deep from "normal" people, maybe somewhere nice. Like a convent or an abbey or a castle or a mansion or a manor on the mountain or hill top. (think Sound of Music)

Where I can get away from everyone I know and be someone I want to be for real.

Just to calm my soul and to seek solitude of repentance. To cleanse my disgusting and wrecked self and just to flee away from my current life.

Sometimes I feel like I am being torn apart inside and its splitting me to be someone I don't want to be. I feel so tired and restless.

Sometimes I just wanna let it all out and just do as I please.

Be an uncivilised person and turn into the animal inside of me. Sounds vile?

Or just be an angel and keep it that way!

I feel like screaming so bad.... But no matter how much I tried I couldnt, the neighbours would hear :P

And I don't want the police or security to get to my place. *Cuckles*

But seriously, I am desperate to just let it all out of my lungs.

But then again, who would hear it?!

Who to truly hear the cry of my heart?

Sometimes I feel like a concious person living in a vegetable form. It's like I am wide awake but my body is just not reacting to it. Like I am screaming to get out but no one sees it as this shell only response to nothing!

Like just being let out of GM or anestatic (o_O)? - Experience it before after my 2004 surgery when I was pushed out of the operating room. Where you are concious of things around you but you just cant move or react to it? Like your body is not your own. It's like you can hear the doctors and your family members talking but you can't even move a finger to react?

That's my point, that's how I feel sometimes. I know and I feel ever so real. But I cant seem to convey it out. Like my body is not my own and no one seems to notice. Just like how my mum couldnt hear me when I called out to her in the hospital room. Cause in real life then, I was just lying "dead" on the bed not moving.

Maybe somethings are not meant to be let out.

But it is as said - tearing me apart!

It's like I am keeping so much inside but I cant let out. And it is killing me inside.

Sometimes it feels like I'm in limbo! Ouch!

And I don't want to be lukewarm...

I want to be ME!!! And a very good one too!

I want to wake up and know that everything is alright!

I want to be happy again!

I am pathetically desperate for it!

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~Let Your will be done~

"Lord, grant me the peace of mind to deal with matters wisely. Give me the spirit of understanding, wisdom and knowledge. Guard my heart and mind to do what is right in Your eyes and forgive me of my imperfections."

Amen