In the absence of the moon....

Currently Listening to:

Winner Takes It All

by

Il Divo

I feel like a ROTTEN POTATO....

Because

The POTATO feels ROTTEN....

Forgive me.

Please forgive me....

Dust and Me

Currently Listening to:

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

by

Micheal Buble

Have you ever felt like days are just crumbling altogether on you and you're just so heavy and layden with mental anguish that breathing has just become a constant struggle? Where emotions can't be delivered coherently and you wonder if your own sanity is stalking you?

Well, sometimes I feel like that....

Non-existant matters start to jab me from every angle and I just can't seem to tell what's going on with myself. I'm not sure of my own character and nonchalant feelings are only an illusion to what my reluctant inner self tries to conceal. But what does it really harbour???

Let me tell you this, I don't really know myself nor do I really want to know.

I'm afraid to open a door and find that petty dust are all that adorns the wailing walls of it. Dust of memories, crumbling dust of thoughts, fine dust of hearty feelings and whimpering dust tears.

And I'm allergic to dust BIG TIME!

Do you know what I need? I need some quiet time - alone? I need to feel the wind on my face, the cool breeze to calm my soul and wintry scent to hide my aches. I need to cuddle with my bolsters and pretend that they were hugging me back. I need.... a hug.... :(

A big and long teddy-wuddy-grizzly-warm huggily cuddle. Preferbly from some bigger size (i need some security)-warm-comfortable-loving-caring human being.

*Self Aawwww....*

Where's my imaginary Mr.Tookie-tookie when I need him?

SMILE PEOPLE! JUST SMILE!

SMILE!!!!

Cause I need it.

Bittersweet Symphony

Currently Listening to:

I Still...

by

Backstreet Boys.

It's okay... It will be okay.

I promise...?

Living Waters

Through His grace

My Lord has not forsaken me.

It is by His grace that through my weaknesses, His power can be seen.

Emotions may crumble, feelings may rumble but I am not alone.

He was there.

He is here.

He will always be here and there.

Handling my feelings

Into the blue....

Stop with the MENTAL WHIPLASH!!!

I'm cracking here!!!

Truth of the Bold

Something in me SNAPPED OUT....

I couldn't identify it at first, for it felt common but yet so foreign at an unexpected time. Am I making sense? I know I didn't then, but when it dawned me, I realised I was being something I didn't know I could be let alone something I didn't want to be.

Surprise strangled me and I was my worse nightmare.

A nightmare I didn't know existed - and it was happening to me!

And I had to KILL it 'again'....

HELP!

And I`m sorry you had to witness it. And I am even more sorry that you couldn't accept it. It's not about you and it's not your fault. It's not you. It's me.

When Doves Cry....

Currently Listening to:

Kissing You

by

Des'ree

Love theme of Romeo and Juliet (1996).

My current favourite song - jiwangness to the max! :P

Available on my blog's music playlist (first song).

I watched Romeo and Juliet (1996) today (for the gazilion-th time).

And for a moment, I felt 'magic' stirring in my heart again (after so long).

And before I knew it, she started tingling inside of me, beaconing me....

As if she had something to tell me.

That's when the wheel of dreams started churning within me.

And I began to remember what it felt like to want again....

Please don't blow the summer wind away....

Currently Listening to:

Won't Let You Fall

by

Fergie

(OST: Poseidon)

I don't mean to be a MELODRAMATIC princess here but I mean every detail when I say that I am really having a tough week. More like tough month! But then again, this week is the worst.


Sick - have been for more than a week! (sore throat, flu, cough, phlegm, headaches) + endless stress + tiredness + group assignment meetings + campaign management major end project + TVC final assignment (CAN'T focus now!) + upcoming TVC final exam (YET to study!)+ very dried up = I NEED SOME SERIOUS LOVE!!!!




I don't really know how to handle stress well cause naturally I am not a stressful person nor do I get stressed easily (and usually I don't let it get to me). If you know me well, I'm basically a mellow person who does not take herself too seriously (in other words, I'm not a critical person - which is why I am always so smiley and cherry). Hence.... if I say I'm stressed, means its a big deal (for me at least) and I'm really cracking out!


Lord I need You!!! I needs Your peace, wisdom, understanding, knowledge, strength and joy. Take all that is ill and sick away from my body in Jesus name and grant me a clear mind to think for my studies.



p/s: To dearie Alexis Lim Ying Hui.... thank you for being such a blessing to me. Your care, encouragement and support sustained me through my trying moments. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Heart ya lots!

Never An Absolution....

Currently Listening to:

And I Kiss Him

from

Pearl Harbour

(OST)

Suddenly, her heart felt so lost....

As if the winds of change have begun to churn, stripping all that was there....

Beautiful Soul

Currently Listening to:

Here In My Life

by

Hillsong United

"I miss my daddy...."

A Promise of Blessings

Currently Listening to:

Lover's Tears

by

Poon Sow Keng

I feel so jiwang but at the same time kinda trying to be cheerful. It's like despite my jiwang-ness, I am still able to look at the future 'cherry blossoms' awaiting me. I guess that's a good thing, at least I won't get all jiwang-ed completely and fall into a state of depression and self pity. Hehehe, all thanks to Him of His faithfulness, the blessings (friends) he has given me and the promise that I was chosen for greatness in Him (you too)! I'm so blessed. :D

p/s: Fish, hehe... looks like I'm addicted to the 'jiwang' word....hehehe. All credits to you. Love ya babes!

O the Jiwang-ness of Me!

Currently Listening to:

I Want To Spend My Life Time Loving You

by

Marc Anthony and Tina Arena

(OST: Zorro)

Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! (period!)

Dah la macam ni, nak jiwang lagi!?

(Freaking PMS!)

A Bouquet of Wild Daisies

Currently Listening to: Lahaina by The Volcanos (Lilo and Stitch: Island Favourites)


I am blogging again.... yeap. What can I say? It's gotta be PMS or that I am just so freakingly bored and lame. But who cares, sick people have all the time of the day when they not sleeping their heads off. I still can't bring myself to have the motion to blog about my 5th day in Cambodia. Maybe I am still lazy in editing and uploading the pictures but I hope I'll finish it when the 'Strawberry storm' has past.

I feel kinda emo and self concious lately. And yes, you all must know PMS is my constant shadow lately. And maybe that's why my sense of sensitivity has ascended majorly. And I can't help feeling like a pregnant woman with lotsa hormones. I start to get over upset for the tiniest things and tend to over-react inside with over thinking of problems that doesnt exist or shouldn't be. It sucks. A lot. So guys, love your girlfriends more and know you're not the only one suffering and facing the annoyance of PMS (when they throw bitch-fits). It's just the hormones and just so you know, it's what drives you crazy over them too. So all is fair.

Looks like I am going to be on problematic future girlfriend huh? Tehee.... let's hope I will be blessed with one super understanding and loving boyfriend to tolerate me then. LOL!

I despise PMS... it's a 'rotten pumpkin' and I am a constant slave to it... Can't imagine how I'll be when I'm pregnant instead. LOL! Note to self in 5 years time (5 years? who am I kidding?)... Love my husband MORE (Please let me be married then!!! - again, who am I kidding? :P)! LOL!

I am so craving for seaweed now... lotsa crispy Korean or Japanese seaweed... Hmmm mmm...!

Soup too, lotsa nice sweet seaweed soup.... like the one my granny makes. My mouth or should I be more specific, throat; is tasting like some weird stinking anti-biotic and I seriously need some ajinamoto...LOL!

I just finished watching Grey's Anatomy and Cashmere Mafia and it was great, love it. Totally superb for a PMS night and it got me all high up and preppy thinking that I might have a chance of making my life into a soap opera. But hey, all I'm lacking if a McDreamy of a boyfriend and a Cashmere coat... or maybe just some elegance in my life.

I think I kinda sound like a sour drama queen. Maybe so, but just for this moment. For once, I wanna bask in my own prima donna-ness... so sue me! But then again, I have this icky feeling that the whole world already hates me for some bitchy reason. :P PMS? You tell me...



You know what I want? What I really really want?

I want someone I can securely cuddle up to and leave all my stuffs behind. Someone who'll give me enough comfort to strip away all my insecurities and just let me be myself wholely in his arms. Someone who knows me, understands me, holds no judgement against me, accepts me and just truly loves me. And me to him. Someone like my.....

my hubby bubby pink bolster!!!!!! :D

Yeap, that's my sayang... for now.
And someday, God's gonna bless me with a real man instead. :)
And I shall wait for that beautiful day to come. :D

"....and then, her PMS just faded away for the night, in sweet thought of His promise to her."

For whom does the wind cry for?

A little depressed....

.... just a little.

O the Strawberry-ness of Me!

Currently Listening to: Let Me Lie by Hayley Westenra.

The Potato seems rather reluctant to start blogging and posting pictures of her 5th day in Cambodia. Perhaps, it's her laziness to edit the sizes of the photos? The nonchalant manner in trying to upload them? The divided views in whether to put them in parts? The little dizziness that has lingered in her left temple since yesterday? Or just PMS???

Don't mess with the 'kitty'!

I know PMS is a very common trade among girls and women and expecially me as it never seem to ever leave me alone every month. Emo-ness, cramps, back aches, lethargicness...etc. It seems to be a bl**dy annoying cycle.... wait, it's more than a cycle! It's an evolving cycle that gets worst. I recall the first PMS I had to go through when I first started to "age biologically".

First was cramps... VERY BAD cramps, in my early teens. Then 'heaviness' (lack of energy) came in... making me feel like a slug in school then whenever 'strawberry' came. In mid teen, emotions ran wild and that's when life is suddenly a big soap opera. And before I knew it... after the teen phrase (when the big 2-0 age comes to the picture), back aches start to attack as if osteoperosis jacked my spine. And now... in this very month, I've just discovered a new symptom...a very annoying one at that... headaches!!! Plus them altogether and you'll get a circus of disasters ni ya!

I never knew that headaches were a form of PMS cause I never had it nor knew anyone who did. Most girls I know commonly and usually only have cramps and emo-ess but on my case... it just keeps piling up. I have an annoying case of dizziness and head roller-coaster yesteryday noon and thought that maybe it was due to my contact lenses of something else. The fact that it was PMS never crossed my mind till Mdm Yiang told me. Hmmm.... I couldn't think about it much then for as I returned home, I immediatly dropped 'dead' on the bed and zero-ed out for the next 5 hours. Actually, it didn't really zzzz for real but just half concious lying on the bed as the headache did not permit me to doze off. It was wrecky!

And today... my head is giving me the same knocking on my temples. So get it all straight, I went online to search for the answers. And guess what, it is a PMS symptom. And I learned more... that PMS does 'evolve' and adds on more symptoms in life as you grow/age. Which freaking explains, why each phase of my life seems to be getting worse during 'strawberry'. So much for cramps, emo-ness, back aches, and a sluggy body... now I have to as headaches to the list!!! Darn! But at least I'm not that bad.... errr.. am I? I found out there are a lot more PMS symptoms and thankfully I'm not having them (YET????)... but as it states, it does pile up as you age. A few of them are acne (walau), bloating and tender breasts... which errr.. I don't think I have (nor want to have - sekarang also pening d every month).

Girl's rules and rocks but it isn't easy being one...

For reference and more:

http://health.yahoo.com/women-overview/premenstrual-syndrome-pms-topic-overview/healthwise--hw139442.html

O the Darling-ness of Me!

"Yellow me away...."

I need my RUBBER DUCKIE!

The Blood of a Butterfly....

Currently Listening to:

Navras

(ending theme of Matrix Revolution)

by

Juno Reactor Vs Don Davis

I woke up feeling like a tuna fish that was about to be canned!

I felt horrible and the lingering of my previous night dream or should I say 'nightmare' still grasped me right to my bones. Yes, I had a 'nightmare'. A horrid and somewhat similiar nightmare that I constantly have. But nay, today's was far worst and I could still taste the bitterness of my dreams even in my awakening. I hate the feeling. I hate this feeling. This feeling which others may perceive to be 'sadness' but to me something much more. Something I can't put words into but only feel and suffer it in me. It's been a very long time since I felt like this and to be honest I hated it. I hate this feeling. I knew life would bring me back here again to experience this but I didn't know that time was so hasty.

It sucks! Big time. I feel as if my insides were infected with depression parasites and my heart numb from all that it took in fighting it. I want to block it all away. I want to fight it and eliminate it. But at the same time I just want to stand by there and watch it ALL DIE (along with her) !

Let His will be done...

Sunsets On My Window

Currently Listening to:

Somewhere Out There

by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram

(OST: An American Tail)


Drama.... it's a daily thing in life. You can either be a dramatic person or just have tonnes of it in your life. So which are you? Do you exaggerate most of the time? Or do you just have lots to put up with for real? I hate drama. It's one thing to watch it on TV and another to experience it. Drama, drama, drama. But it is a part of life. It is life... we experience it all the time. So what's the big deal about it? Don't need to be dramatic right? But what about intenal drama? What do you think of it? What of it? How of it? Is it worse than the other dramas? Far more suffering? Or just too dramatic for words or expression?

Internal drama. It kills you inside and leave you molting without anyone seeing or noticing it. It is the perfect killer, the optimum assasin without a trace of evidence. It rots you, rips you apart and sometimes it poisons your very mind. And before you know it, you've lost it. It is the battle within and sometimes you just don't know which stand you are to take. The war rages and before you can tell, little things inside starts perishing, dragging you slowly with it. Very slowly, it withers away in the night, leaving you bare and incomplete. How can two opposite sides co-exist in one mind? Has it come to the point of insanity? How can so much drama be conjured up in one thought?

Who are you? Who am I? Why are you torturing her so badly? Do you not feel tired? Why are you storing so much anger? Ill thoughts and pain? Let not it be harboured for destruction will come swiftly. It is near the corner. Yes, it is knocking on ones door.... Leave, please let it leave. Push it away. Send it away. Leave it. Abandon it. Her soul is weary. Let it loose. Let it fade away. I beg you. O I beg you... kill it. Destroy it, burn it! Let it rip with pain! Let it suffer till it ends! No mercy... no mercy... For she has none to give.

Petals of my Heart and a Garland of Memories

Currently Listening to: The Prayer by Charlotte Church and Josh Groban.

Suddenly, I was reminded of my old (but short-term) blog in Tabulas. Not many of you know about it, as a matter of fact, I doubt any of you do (except a trustworthhy estranged friend). It was secret blog then... something I wanted to tell the world but at the same time bring to my very grave. After getting blogspot and trying to once again open my thoughts (general) to the public, I've then totally forgotten about my Tabulas blog. But today, I suddenly thought about it and hence went back in to view it. As a matter of fact, I managed to log in too.

Looking at it brought back many memories. Some which may have passed me by, some which is still very much fresh in me and some still lingering in my everyday thoughts. Funny how you read stuffs about yourself long time ago which you don't know now or didn't want to know then. I kept reading the Tabulas blog on and on and somehow despite the lengthy period of abandoning it, I could still see the freshness of the past tears and hearty words in it... it was all still the same. "Laying" there intact, away from the world, from people... just waiting for me there in silence. Waiting for me to claim a part of my heart back.



As I scroll through the webpage, I could still "smell" the feelings, the heartaches, tears and smiles back then. It was so real, so sweet, so fresh. It was as if it never left and I was stagnant all the time with it without noticing that I had blinded myself to what really mattered to me. Sure, Blogspot served a pretty sweet place for me to input my random and personal thoughts be it in pictures of words. But as simple and plain as Tabulas was, it was the only place which published my heart's desires. When I say published, meaning it was out in the world, for the world to see. It was in an open-wide webpage, written raw and naked. But I guess the world wasn't meant to see it for I gave no desire in exposing its link or source. I was "alone" then and because of that, I made Tabulas suffer the same fate too. I was "attacked" so much then that I couldn't display my wounds out to heal but to let it linger alone in hopes that someone might find it and save me.

But here I am again... looking at it, wondering how I saved myself. How I salvaged the bits and parts of me then to continue breathing, to go on, to survive and to make it through all alone. Reading Tabulas made me realise how honest I was to myself back then. How passionate a person I could be or once was. How I was willing to fight for what really mattered to me and to stand firm despite the world opposing me. It reminded me that I wasn't as weak as I make myself feel now and that I could withstand what others would deem impossible or would only dream of doing. It made me realised that the girl back then was who I truly was and wanted to be for real. Without the world or people around me telling me what should or shouldn't be.



I miss Tabulas and I miss the girl who used to scribble in it. I miss her so much. Sometimes I could still feel her in me. Feel her knocking on my heart's door and begging me to let her in before the "cold" took every inch of her away... I want her back. I want me back....

"Tough luck baby, GO DIE!"

I'm fine now I can still walk alone.

I'm the bunny on the moon!

YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!

When you choose a liability over an asset, you're an idiot.

When you expect something out of liability, you're an idiot.

When you wait on a liability, you're an idiot.

When you believe in a liability, you're an idiot.

When you trust a liability, you're an idiot.

When you invest in a liability, you're an idiot.

When you defend a liability, you're an idiot.

When you care for a liability, you're an idiot.

When you make a liability matter, you're an idiot.

When you love a liability, you're an idiot.

When you're sitting here, in your baby tee and shorts along with your old worn out comfy cardigan and drop down gangling hair at 3am, blogging out of idiocrisy, you know that you're a big time idiot!

It's random, it's idiotic and it's just me now... but it's ok, cause I'm an idiot!

And so are all you people! You're a whole bunch of idiots!!! Yup, you heard me, IDIOTS!

IDIOTS!!!