Currently Listening to: The Prayer by Charlotte Church and Josh Groban.
Suddenly, I was reminded of my old (but short-term) blog in Tabulas. Not many of you know about it, as a matter of fact, I doubt any of you do (except a trustworthhy estranged friend). It was secret blog then... something I wanted to tell the world but at the same time bring to my very grave. After getting blogspot and trying to once again open my thoughts (general) to the public, I've then totally forgotten about my Tabulas blog. But today, I suddenly thought about it and hence went back in to view it. As a matter of fact, I managed to log in too.
Looking at it brought back many memories. Some which may have passed me by, some which is still very much fresh in me and some still lingering in my everyday thoughts. Funny how you read stuffs about yourself long time ago which you don't know now or didn't want to know then. I kept reading the Tabulas blog on and on and somehow despite the lengthy period of abandoning it, I could still see the freshness of the past tears and hearty words in it... it was all still the same. "Laying" there intact, away from the world, from people... just waiting for me there in silence. Waiting for me to claim a part of my heart back.
As I scroll through the webpage, I could still "smell" the feelings, the heartaches, tears and smiles back then. It was so real, so sweet, so fresh. It was as if it never left and I was stagnant all the time with it without noticing that I had blinded myself to what really mattered to me. Sure, Blogspot served a pretty sweet place for me to input my random and personal thoughts be it in pictures of words. But as simple and plain as Tabulas was, it was the only place which published my heart's desires. When I say published, meaning it was out in the world, for the world to see. It was in an open-wide webpage, written raw and naked. But I guess the world wasn't meant to see it for I gave no desire in exposing its link or source. I was "alone" then and because of that, I made Tabulas suffer the same fate too. I was "attacked" so much then that I couldn't display my wounds out to heal but to let it linger alone in hopes that someone might find it and save me.
But here I am again... looking at it, wondering how I saved myself. How I salvaged the bits and parts of me then to continue breathing, to go on, to survive and to make it through all alone. Reading Tabulas made me realise how honest I was to myself back then. How passionate a person I could be or once was. How I was willing to fight for what really mattered to me and to stand firm despite the world opposing me. It reminded me that I wasn't as weak as I make myself feel now and that I could withstand what others would deem impossible or would only dream of doing. It made me realised that the girl back then was who I truly was and wanted to be for real. Without the world or people around me telling me what should or shouldn't be.
I miss Tabulas and I miss the girl who used to scribble in it. I miss her so much. Sometimes I could still feel her in me. Feel her knocking on my heart's door and begging me to let her in before the "cold" took every inch of her away... I want her back. I want me back....
"Tough luck baby, GO DIE!"
I'm fine now I can still walk alone.
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