Beneath the Storm

My new favourite song...




Storm by Lifehouse

How long have I
Been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

I know everything is alright
Everything's alright

Beyond the Stormy Clouds

Lift Me Up by Kate Voegele





This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle I've seen high and I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up, to pack up and leave town

Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me, yeah

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames‘
Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Somewhere, every body starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer,
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It taught me to outrun my fears
Everything worth having, oh
Comes with trials worth withstanding

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames‘
Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up
Oh, Lift me up

Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above
So can you lift me up

Turn the ashes into flames‘
Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Oh, oh, oh, just begun
Lift me up, yeah, oh, oh, oh, yeah, now
Oh, oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up

God Bless the Broken Road

Broken by Lifehouse.
Original Soundtrack of the motion picture movie "The Time Traveler's Wife".





The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name
I find meaning
I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

If you are broken, I know a Healer who can take away your pain, mend your wounds, repair your brokenness, fill your emptiness and make you whole again. Let me know, I'll love to introduce Him to you. He is always available. :)

Are you broken today?

Dancing Sunshine :)

Currently Listening to:

Here I Am

by

Leona Lewis

OKAY....

I know it's been light years since I last blogged but hey sometimes life catches up with you and you just gotta deal with it. And I've dealt with it and hence the absence. :)

But also because some loving people who keeps pestering me to clear the cobwebs in my bloggie, tehee...

So where do I start?

What life has held me recently:

- Final of final exams
- Friends
- More friends
- Vacations
- Outings
- Meetings
- Sleepovers
- Makan to the MAX sessions
- Hang outs
- Movies
- Etc

Pretty busy somehow....tehee....

But most of all, God has been good in my life. :D

I have learned that by God being good in my life does not only meant that it is seen in His blessings, my happiness etc, but also in His grace, mercy, joy, perseverance and peace during hard times. The list above may seem nice (and yes, most of them are) but through them, heartbreaks, tears, suffering and pain drove by. I have to admit, I went through the toughest time in my life this very month. But it is through this time where I experience God the most in my life. I learn to surrender and to abide in Him and He delivered me, sustained me, helped me and comforted me. I knew it was Him for I know I wouldn't have made it without Him. I would have broken to pieces but here I am because He is so real in my life. He showered me with grace, peace, joy and rest despite my thundering storm and I know that my God is real and so awesome!

I've learned 2 very important things through this hard month, which was to:

TRUST AND OBEY

To Obey in His will and know that following Him is the right and best thing to do. Even when you don't feel like it, even when it breaks your heart, even when it is against all odds for when you choose to obey, God sees your heart and honours you back (ten fold). All you have to do is obey and His will will be done in your life (And His will/plan is ultimately the BEST). :)

"His will is not for your consideration but your obedience."

(Pastor Shawn Kong)

To Trust that He has the best interest (that is yet to come) for me, that He'll take care of everything, that He is sovereign and I shall not be left lacking. To trust that He will carry my burdens, my worries, my brokenness, and my past. That He will sustain me, provide, bless and love even when I am not at my best. To trust that as long as I obey, depend and faith in Him, it's all gonna be okay and even great too (trials may befall but the joy of the Lord will sustain me). :)

Though hardships are still not over and are bound to get worse, I want to learn to trust and obey in Him. Even when I can't feel Him, even when I can't see the hope and even when I feel like falling. Because ultimately I know that He is in control and that I can still smile and be joyful in Him. :)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
(James 1:2-4)

I thank Him for His grace and mercy. I know He is prunning me now so that I can bloom.
And I will bloom for Him and His glory. :)

I shall update more soon.... hopefully. Tehee...

Have a blessed week and may the Lord shine upon you. :)

The Light in my darkness

Currently Listening:

White Horse

by

Taylor Swift

I am so scared.

So so scared.

I feel like my lungs are tightening and choking my heart.

I can't breathe.

I want to scream.

I want to cry....

But I can't do anything.

I feel tired.

I feel sick.

I feel lost.

I feel so numb.

****

I need you Lord....

I know I am unworthy

But please take me in, do not abandon me.

Forgive me and give me peace for Your will.

Lead me to Your ways and strengthen my heart and faith in You.

Living Waters

Through His grace

My Lord has not forsaken me.

It is by His grace that through my weaknesses, His power can be seen.

Emotions may crumble, feelings may rumble but I am not alone.

He was there.

He is here.

He will always be here and there.

Handling my feelings

Rest in the buds of May....

Currently Listening to:

At the Cross

by

Hillsong

only You....

Steps in my Leap....

Currently Listening to:

Someday We'll Know

by

Mandy Moore and Jonathan Foreman

When you let it go, it goes.

So be gone.

The Bubbles of my Dream

Currently Listening to:

Lover, Come Back To Me!

by

Barbara Streisand

"I had a beautiful dream this morning....

.... but a horrible 'revelation' in the evening."

Dreams to Dreams....

Currently Listening to:

You'll Be In My Heart

by

Phil Collins

(OST: Disney Original Movie: Tarzan)

"What'cha gotta say??"

The Blood of a Butterfly....

Currently Listening to:

Navras

(ending theme of Matrix Revolution)

by

Juno Reactor Vs Don Davis

I woke up feeling like a tuna fish that was about to be canned!

I felt horrible and the lingering of my previous night dream or should I say 'nightmare' still grasped me right to my bones. Yes, I had a 'nightmare'. A horrid and somewhat similiar nightmare that I constantly have. But nay, today's was far worst and I could still taste the bitterness of my dreams even in my awakening. I hate the feeling. I hate this feeling. This feeling which others may perceive to be 'sadness' but to me something much more. Something I can't put words into but only feel and suffer it in me. It's been a very long time since I felt like this and to be honest I hated it. I hate this feeling. I knew life would bring me back here again to experience this but I didn't know that time was so hasty.

It sucks! Big time. I feel as if my insides were infected with depression parasites and my heart numb from all that it took in fighting it. I want to block it all away. I want to fight it and eliminate it. But at the same time I just want to stand by there and watch it ALL DIE (along with her) !

Let His will be done...

Withered Lavenders in my Garden...

Currently Listening to: Panis Angelicus by Charlotte Church


I am feeling a certain feeling now.... a feeling I haven't had in a very long time. Something that I have forgotten and something I dread very much to feel. There is no word for it or perhaps I refuse to give it it's name. For naming it would be labelling myself of it's load. Don't you find it somewhat amusing that feelings can differ in so many ways... and that by experiencing it after such a long halt would bring back so many memories and tastes. I guess you can call the joy of reminiscing. But I guess in this case, it seemed much less sweeter.

So yes, I am feeling rather.... well.... *that*...

And I can tell you one thing for sure, the feeling sucks!

I am somewhat perfectly fine and yet I could feel the inside of my chest clogging up like I am about to burst! Either what I'm feeling is really a little screwed up or the expensive (yet bitter tasting) salad I'm trying to "chow" down now is really getting to me.

I feel like sobbing but at the same time am dried up in the eyes. What can I say.... my body has yet to re-stock from the previous teary melt-down.

I keep feeling it! And now... I feel like there's a load of fat clogging in my heart's major artery and pushing me into a cardiac arrest!

Okay... maybe that's a little too much... but I give myself that kind of pictorial impression (when trying to describe it).. :P

And here I am "chowing" down an expensive salad pulak! So much for being healthy and having a heart attack! LOL! Might as well gobble up McD before I "die" instead.

*Yuck! The bitterness of it!* ----> reffering to salad... haaha...
O Bacon, where art thou??? (Jared and Rawlins, I need you!!!)

Okay... a little side track here... let's talk about the salad now... Once upon time.....there was a generous aunt who loves to bestow lovely things to her niece... Lately, she has taken a peculiar act in placing a nice plastic case (with lotsa golden labels on) with fresh and 'pretty' looking vegetables in it. It wasn't something you usually see in the supermarket or market but more like it was from a fancy restaurant where they charge you the price of meat for it... (meaning the money you pay there for the vege can be enough to buy belony or bacon!) Get my point? Basically, she told me it was for me to "moo" (get the cow hint?) down for my health, talk about me dieting? LOL! And it was so pretty and all that whenever I open the refrigerator... I would just take a moment and admire it... :P Weird I know but it's not everyday you get to see such 'lovely' greenary. Anyway, tonight or should I say lately... I've been feeling really... bumpy. So tonight I've decided to chow some of the 'pretty' vege as it's late and I didn't want to over eat over my dinner and supper....LOL! Yes, when I am not in a good mood... I either tend to feast like an animal or squeeze my tummy. So feeling a little guilty that I already had supper... I decided to 'attack' the vege instead and made myself a simple yet 'pretty' looking salad. But then... so much for expensive, it tasted like pure bitterness! *Lesson... outside cantik tak semestinya dalam menarik* But still I finsihed my salad for the sake of it. :S

And maybe an ounce of my current feelings of *that* is minorly contributed by the salad. Either way, I feel like banging my head on the wall.... (random thought).

Currently Listening to: Tell Me On A Sunday by Marti Webb
(I guess this song pretty much sums out now or what is bound to happen...)

God bless people and take care!

Whatever!

How rotten can you get???!

Tit Bits of Her....

Currently Listening to:

Kau Ada Dia

by

The Lima

(OST: Sepi)

"Don't you just hate it when your heart betrays you?"

Life's a ball of butter!

Have you ever experienced those days where you have a zillion feelings, emotions, words and desires caught up inside of you but can't do anything to express it? Where it all just clusters and jumbles in and out of your head and storms the pit of your stomach like a hurricane in a balister? And all you can do is stay numbly stagnant where ever you are and fight the battle silently inside?

Have you?

I bet you have... in a manner of speaking.

We all have.

Sometimes, we pretend it's all okay and try to fix it and sometimes we RIP it all out to the world.

But sometimes, we just stay there and let it make the worse out of us. And we become something else.

Something entirely different....

Petals of my Heart and a Garland of Memories

Currently Listening to: The Prayer by Charlotte Church and Josh Groban.

Suddenly, I was reminded of my old (but short-term) blog in Tabulas. Not many of you know about it, as a matter of fact, I doubt any of you do (except a trustworthhy estranged friend). It was secret blog then... something I wanted to tell the world but at the same time bring to my very grave. After getting blogspot and trying to once again open my thoughts (general) to the public, I've then totally forgotten about my Tabulas blog. But today, I suddenly thought about it and hence went back in to view it. As a matter of fact, I managed to log in too.

Looking at it brought back many memories. Some which may have passed me by, some which is still very much fresh in me and some still lingering in my everyday thoughts. Funny how you read stuffs about yourself long time ago which you don't know now or didn't want to know then. I kept reading the Tabulas blog on and on and somehow despite the lengthy period of abandoning it, I could still see the freshness of the past tears and hearty words in it... it was all still the same. "Laying" there intact, away from the world, from people... just waiting for me there in silence. Waiting for me to claim a part of my heart back.



As I scroll through the webpage, I could still "smell" the feelings, the heartaches, tears and smiles back then. It was so real, so sweet, so fresh. It was as if it never left and I was stagnant all the time with it without noticing that I had blinded myself to what really mattered to me. Sure, Blogspot served a pretty sweet place for me to input my random and personal thoughts be it in pictures of words. But as simple and plain as Tabulas was, it was the only place which published my heart's desires. When I say published, meaning it was out in the world, for the world to see. It was in an open-wide webpage, written raw and naked. But I guess the world wasn't meant to see it for I gave no desire in exposing its link or source. I was "alone" then and because of that, I made Tabulas suffer the same fate too. I was "attacked" so much then that I couldn't display my wounds out to heal but to let it linger alone in hopes that someone might find it and save me.

But here I am again... looking at it, wondering how I saved myself. How I salvaged the bits and parts of me then to continue breathing, to go on, to survive and to make it through all alone. Reading Tabulas made me realise how honest I was to myself back then. How passionate a person I could be or once was. How I was willing to fight for what really mattered to me and to stand firm despite the world opposing me. It reminded me that I wasn't as weak as I make myself feel now and that I could withstand what others would deem impossible or would only dream of doing. It made me realised that the girl back then was who I truly was and wanted to be for real. Without the world or people around me telling me what should or shouldn't be.



I miss Tabulas and I miss the girl who used to scribble in it. I miss her so much. Sometimes I could still feel her in me. Feel her knocking on my heart's door and begging me to let her in before the "cold" took every inch of her away... I want her back. I want me back....

"Tough luck baby, GO DIE!"

I'm fine now I can still walk alone.

Dancing Flames In My Heart!

It says:

Cruelty is the absence of kindness.

They say:

Being kind can be a form of cruelty.

Some say:

You have to be cruel to be kind.

Others say:

Cruelty and kindness come hand in hand.

I say:

Cruelty and kindness are pretty much the same!

A parting thought for you.... :)

I woke today feeling the worst that I have ever felt in all my 20 years of mornings. I have cried myself to sleep tonnes of times before and I have seens mornings in which I pretended that everything that happened the night before was nothing - and lived my day despite it all.
But this morning, for the first time I felt "sucky" - so bad that I literally never want to wake up anymore. But I did, earlier than I did in a long time. I woke up and the first moment just dawned me that I was alive and everything with me was real. And thats when this excruciating sharp stab just hit me hard and that feeling of losing my concious and conscience was beginning to drown me in.

Of course... it would only be fair to cry when I wake if I cried myself to sleep. It could only get that bad right? I arised, dragged myself to the bathroom despite my heavy head and brushed my teeth. I walked down the stairs of my quiet house wearing my thick glasses and holding my two dear baby bolsters for dear life. As I took each step down, for the first time in my life I knew how a zombie felt. I don't know if I was amazed at myself and was in total denial of my current condition.

I started to watch cartoons. Because it was the decent and normal thing to do then. But the longer I sat there on the couch. the harder I could concentrate on the TV. I was losing my vision slowly and before it got any worse, I dragged myself up back to my room before passing out on my bed.

Do you know how to get a hangover without drinking a drop of alchohol or drug?
I bet you dont do you?

I do....

Just cry a river.....
And when your brain kicks in, you would obtained unimaginable "bengkak" eyes, a terrible migrain, extreme dizziness and before you know it, you pass out - literally!

A "friend" once told me that you can get blind by crying so much.
But that's not the main point here. *snorts*

You may be asking the reason to my current condition. And for once I am not sure. I thought I was given numerous reasons to act so. But to think of it now, none of them made sense at all.

I was always good at pretending, at lying to myself and hence deceiving others in the process. That I was okay, that I could still smile through it all, that I was willing to submit to all those shit and still be patient, that I could handle it, that I didnt mind taking the blame or just agreeing. And for once in my life NOW... I'M DONE!

I'm tired... of doing it all at your way.

A friendship consist of two people - two ways not one. If it has to end, at least provide me a bloody good reason and have the decency to tell it to me yourself! - we are no more in primary school, not even secondary!Can't be that hard, you've done it before several times. I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem in doing it again.

I dont know if I was such a terrible person of a friend or that I just wasnt worth your time.... for you to do it yourself.

I guess in life, no matter what happends we would always care for some people more and would always do. And for my case, I just couldn't stop caring for you. Ironic isnt it? Caring so much for a person and having the complete opposite return of action. It's ok, it is common among people. You cant force it or blame it and I accept it. But this is just too much!

What is so big that it has to end? Please, dont say because of the calls cause that is upright ridiculous! Most of the time I would sms you and asked if it was alright to call and you would say yes. Sometimes you call too. And everything seemed normal. Besides, you could just have said no (I KNOW IT WAS NO PROBLEM FOR YOU TO DO THAT!) or not answer my call.

If you had a problem, just tell me like you always do! You have no problem being rude or so.
So we would argue - big deal! We always do, but it always ends up right. If it ends, at least we would end in a fight, that would be much more comforting!

I am not "E" FROM BEHIND YOUR HOUSE! Where you can just summon and throw away whenever you please! Tell me, did your "friends" ask you to do the same with "E" too? Or is it just me? Cause "E" seemed like a bigger threat compared to me! You have you massive problems now and I am sorry I am not the RIGHT one to comfort you! But that doesn't give you the right to be a JERK all over again!

What hurts the most wasnt the breaking off, but how you decided you want me to know and all those bloody reasons that just dont make sense. With your council of "friends" telling you what to do and judging me without knowing an ounce of it. I dont deserve that, you damn well know I dont!

IF YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF CONSCIENCE AND APPRECIATION FOR THOSE TIMES WE'VE GONE THROUGH, YOU WOULD CALL!!! AND TELL ME YOURSELF WHY!!! WHY ALL OF THE SUDDEN - NOW!? EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE BEFORE! PLEASE DO TELL ME!!! CAUSE YOUR POSTMAN FAILED TO CONVINCE ME WITH THOSE "GOOD" ENOUGH REASONS! FOR ONCE BE HONEST TO ME AND TELL ME IF THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT!!!

YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH!!!!!!!!

AND IM SORRY I HAD TO POST IT IN MY BLOG!!! FORGIVE ME, I CANT LOOK OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR REPUTATION AND YOUR WORRIES/PROBLEMS WHILE YOU ARE CHOKING ME HERE!!!

Have a happy life "friend", please do! I wish it for you with all my heart!!!

And I hope you can sleep from now on and may all your worries subside!

"I can't tell you how much I bloody LOVE YOU right now!!!!"

People:

No questions

No comments

No sympathy

PLEASE LAY OFF!!!!

As you were...

~ What a beautiful time to go and watch the King and I musical. Of all days....