Beneath the Storm

My new favourite song...




Storm by Lifehouse

How long have I
Been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

I know everything is alright
Everything's alright

Dancing Sunshine :)

Currently Listening to:

Here I Am

by

Leona Lewis

OKAY....

I know it's been light years since I last blogged but hey sometimes life catches up with you and you just gotta deal with it. And I've dealt with it and hence the absence. :)

But also because some loving people who keeps pestering me to clear the cobwebs in my bloggie, tehee...

So where do I start?

What life has held me recently:

- Final of final exams
- Friends
- More friends
- Vacations
- Outings
- Meetings
- Sleepovers
- Makan to the MAX sessions
- Hang outs
- Movies
- Etc

Pretty busy somehow....tehee....

But most of all, God has been good in my life. :D

I have learned that by God being good in my life does not only meant that it is seen in His blessings, my happiness etc, but also in His grace, mercy, joy, perseverance and peace during hard times. The list above may seem nice (and yes, most of them are) but through them, heartbreaks, tears, suffering and pain drove by. I have to admit, I went through the toughest time in my life this very month. But it is through this time where I experience God the most in my life. I learn to surrender and to abide in Him and He delivered me, sustained me, helped me and comforted me. I knew it was Him for I know I wouldn't have made it without Him. I would have broken to pieces but here I am because He is so real in my life. He showered me with grace, peace, joy and rest despite my thundering storm and I know that my God is real and so awesome!

I've learned 2 very important things through this hard month, which was to:

TRUST AND OBEY

To Obey in His will and know that following Him is the right and best thing to do. Even when you don't feel like it, even when it breaks your heart, even when it is against all odds for when you choose to obey, God sees your heart and honours you back (ten fold). All you have to do is obey and His will will be done in your life (And His will/plan is ultimately the BEST). :)

"His will is not for your consideration but your obedience."

(Pastor Shawn Kong)

To Trust that He has the best interest (that is yet to come) for me, that He'll take care of everything, that He is sovereign and I shall not be left lacking. To trust that He will carry my burdens, my worries, my brokenness, and my past. That He will sustain me, provide, bless and love even when I am not at my best. To trust that as long as I obey, depend and faith in Him, it's all gonna be okay and even great too (trials may befall but the joy of the Lord will sustain me). :)

Though hardships are still not over and are bound to get worse, I want to learn to trust and obey in Him. Even when I can't feel Him, even when I can't see the hope and even when I feel like falling. Because ultimately I know that He is in control and that I can still smile and be joyful in Him. :)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
(James 1:2-4)

I thank Him for His grace and mercy. I know He is prunning me now so that I can bloom.
And I will bloom for Him and His glory. :)

I shall update more soon.... hopefully. Tehee...

Have a blessed week and may the Lord shine upon you. :)

A Blink of Miracles....

Currently Listening to:

The piano playing (in the beginning - opening credits) from the movie The Notebook

The Potato has just finished watching The Notebook and is crying her eyes out and flooding her cheeks with salty tears. They are swollen, puffy and bloody red now. She has not cried like this for quite sometime (bawling her eyes out for joy and sadness) and I guess she has to give the movie credit for really touching her inside out.

It was so beautiful....

It made her realised what she really wanted in life....

And it dawned her that it might not be as she might have it to be..... at least for now...?

Walking Through Light

Currently Listening to:

ARISE!

by

Brendon and Cathie Clancy

Have faith: Hebrew 11-12 :)

"If I believe it, I can receive it!" :D

In trouble times, in suffering times, in tearing times, in sorrowful times, in hard times, have FAITH. Have faith that you are not alone. That God is watching over you, speaking to you and understands your pain. Have faith that through Him, no storm will last forever. That through Him, your sufferings will past. And through Him, you will find peace in moving on.

Have faith.

Have faith that God is way bigger than any problem.

Have faith that whatever you are going through, the Lord will bless you, comfort you and love you. You are never alone.

All things are possible with God.

It may seem surreal.
But once you've tasted His faithfulness, you'll know you will never be the same again!

You just need to have FAITH.

*******

This is for you my beloved friend(s) who's heart, mind and body is burdened (you know who you are). God can change that - just have faith. :)

****

Faith is just not merely proclaiming in believing something, but the act in believing.

When you ask God for patience, do you think He would just give you patience itself? Or would He give you the opportunity to be patient?

the same goes to:

When you ask God for strength to fight temptation, do you think He will give you the strength suddenly by itself? Or the opportunity to be strong and resist when temptation comes?

You may not be strong enough, but God certainly is. You just need to have faith and abide. Don't only have faith only in your lips but in your heart, mind, actions, works and in your life. So when trying times arrive, through God, you will be strong.

God is fair and just. He does not force. He gave us human a CHOICE. A choice to believe, a choice to receive and a choice for a better life in Him.

You can ask God to help you in your addiction, but you have to want to get rid of the addiction yourself. Make a step to change and God will strengthen that step (and the rest to come).

Two farmers are waiting for rain from God for their. One farmer prepares His crops and waits while the other decides only to do so when God rains on them.

Now which farmer do you think will be the one most likely to be blessed with rain? :)

God will work in You when you start working in yourself!

Have FAITH that God is HERE and that He wants to save you, to prosper you and to love you unconditionally.

He is ever here waiting. Just have faith.

God is not a mere idol sitting on top of a praying table. He is so much more than that. He does not need joysticks or food to bless you. God is a loving God, He wants to know you and for you to know Him and have a relationship to bless you.

It is through the decision we make in the hard times that determines who we are. What you decide can either break you or make you.

Which are you?

Honour God and He will honour you.

LIVE in Faith

Believing is Seeing

Currently Listening to:

With All I Am (Jesus I Believe)

by

Hillsong

Strengthen my faith in You my Lord and let me be a testimony for Your glory. Forgive me for my transgressions (thoughts and actions) and deliver me from temptation. Hold me steadfast in You and equip me with ur armour of words. Let not my pride covet my eyes but fill me with wisdom to see Thy will. Come and changed me so that I may be pleasing to you. Use me dear Father and may my lips speak words of praise to you till the end of my days. Cast my fears aside and strengthen my foundation in You. Give me the burden in my heart to love and to seek Thy word and will. Let me not be man concious but God concious. Break my heart Lord so that I may surrender to You not myself. Amen.

I believe that my God is a good God. An awesome God. A loving God. A forgiving God. A great God and an amazing One.

I shall wait on Him for I know He is always there. Always there in my toughest storm. Always there in the silence of the darkness. Always there in every one of my tears. Always there in the sweetest of my joys... He's there.

I BELIEVE IN JESUS! I DO! I DO!!!!

and may my actions, purpose and life scream it way louder than my spoken words.

A Distant Heart....

Currently Listening to:

Never An Absolution

(OST: Titanic)

"Please don't fly away...."

She smiled in me...

Currently Listening to: Awesome God by Hillsongs

It's been a week since I've updated? Internet has been a little draggy lately and the pics of my second post (day 1 part 2) on Cambodia has yet to come back from the shop (who is repairing my camera and memory card - hope the all pics will be saved!) Hence, it'll have to wait a bit...

Anyway, to carry on with life... a new semester is starting this week and I pray that all goes well by the grace of God. May lecturers be nice and assignments be gentle. May I be more hardworking and more attentive to my work. I hope this new semester will bring lots more of joyous memories to my life with my dear friends. And to those away in Perth, you have my love and care! All the best!

Just to scream a little here.... :

Passion World Tour Concert was awesome!!!!!

Oh yeah!!! God is truly amazing! His grace is ever so abundant and I am ever thankful for Him. 'Miracles' took place tonight in the concert and I couldn't smile wider in my heart nor weep enough to re-pay Him of his grace and faithfulness! The unexpected became real and 'Passion' was the indeed the suited word for what I experienced tonight. Indeed.... He is awesome and ever amazing.

I met many people that I haven't seen in aeons and I am glad people in my life be it past, present or future, share the same and wonderous God whom bind us together in Christ. And hence, no matter how far or how long we are apart, we will always re-join back together in Him. I meet friends from HLLC, very OLD friends from HLLC, college people, schoolmates from seconday school, childhood friends and even made a new friend - Teri!!

And this is the first time in a very long time where I saw lots of cute guys (in ONE place in ONE time)...hahah :P Indeed, there were a lot of good looking hunks and that is rare to behold. LOL! Usually, you can't event find one if you spend an entire day walking in the mall. But today, I saw at least 10 and more in one night. Okay...haha, FYI, it is just a statement, nothing more. I am not interested la, just found it interesting to behold (wasn't common to behold such sight ok..lol).

But of course the main reason and focus there was J-E-S-U-S!!! And indeed He was the main event for more than 4000 Campus students! He rocks!!! :D

"I was made by Him for His glory."

"With all that I am now and all that I can do, use me Lord and let me shine for You.

I am Yours."

And I thank You for all that You are and for Your faithfulness that has touched me so much tonight. Jesus, you're amazing! :)

Whatever!

How rotten can you get???!

Life's a ball of butter!

Have you ever experienced those days where you have a zillion feelings, emotions, words and desires caught up inside of you but can't do anything to express it? Where it all just clusters and jumbles in and out of your head and storms the pit of your stomach like a hurricane in a balister? And all you can do is stay numbly stagnant where ever you are and fight the battle silently inside?

Have you?

I bet you have... in a manner of speaking.

We all have.

Sometimes, we pretend it's all okay and try to fix it and sometimes we RIP it all out to the world.

But sometimes, we just stay there and let it make the worse out of us. And we become something else.

Something entirely different....

Side by Side, Heart to heart....

.... We can finish what we start.

Currently Listening to: Far Longer Than Forever by Jeffrey Osborne and Regina Belle (OST The Swan Princess)

Step by step...

I am so tired...

It's going to be a very very long road.

But I know I'll make it through...

I will, I must, I have to.

"Prenez ma main et ne laissez jamais aller".

*******

A Shadow of Tears

Tear away, so that I may find peace and rest....

I wept and I wept

I wept for sorrow to fade away

To drain this heart from night to day

To return my soul to its former gay

For love to once again find its way

I wept and I wept

Not a soul in witness

Nor a sound in silence

Just tears of sadness

With a heart of allegiance

~P~

The Tears Within

Don't cry little girl,

Don't cry.

Don't shed your tears,

Go on, wipe it dry.

Don't weep little girl,

Don't weep.

Don't sob a sniff,

Don't show you're weak.

Don't cry little girl,

Don't cry.

Keep it all in,

It will pass you by.

Don't be sad little girl,

Don't be sad.

Don't forget,

There are no regrets.

~P~

Smile Away the Tears

Hi, It's me again.

(Before you read this, make sure you read the previous entry)

I am posting 15 minutes after my previous post. Yes... indeed its fast. Why you may ask? Well, firstly you'd have to read my previous post in order to understand this one. The main story here is about my one day helium balloon named Horton Penguin Minnisque. I had to post this up asap due to a certain emotion that has just "got me" there and then. As stated previous entry, I would always let go of my (every one of them) helium balloon (s) before they go soft. So tonight, I took Horton down from my music stand (clipped there) and started to write my private message. Then, I proceeded to the porch to "perform" the tradition.

And there it goes.... I let it go.

And it slowly in a frightful way... flew up into sky like a wandering soul.

So lost, so fragile, so dainty....

I stood there in the porch, not letting my eyes off it, bending my neck backwards as I gaze to the "heavens" where my dear Horton was reaching for so aimlessly. And yes, my neck hurt very much back then, but somehow, I couldnt stop doing so. I watched it as it flew higher and higher, consumed by the dark veil of the night. It got smaller and smaller till my eyes could squint no more in gaze of it. I felt as if my heart flew with Horton. I couldnt take my eyes off it. I felt like a mother watching her child leaving her to a far away place, to a better place. It ached for a moment and I felt sad as I watched it disappear into the dark blue sky.

The feeling was soo.... I don't know. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. And despite my previous expression on my emotion then (mother & child analogy), I find it insufficient to depict my entire existence then. In which I so wholely felt standing there as I watch it fly away.

I wish, I dearly wish you could have experienced it with me. The moment Horton and I parted, I felt as if my soul churned to the skies and my heart wept in missing it.

Do I sound like a complete lunatic?
Perhaps I am. And I darely say I feel no shame to it.
For it was a beautiful feeling. Sad but beautiful.

If you've watched Desperate Housewives (cant remember which season was it), I hope you can recall an episode or a scene in where Gabrielle has a miscarriage. Soon then, he convict husband (Carlos) has his in-mate friend console her. The guy took Gabrielle to an open park and handed her a helium balloon, telling her to set it free. The balloon then represented her unborn child and how she had to let it go to move on (cause Gabrielle was in denial then).

This scene came to my head after Horton left my sight. No, I've never had a miscarriage before (LOL), but somehow... it felt sad in letting it go. Like it was something previous. Maybe because of what I wrote on Horton or maybe because of something else, something more.

But the moment, I saw Horton vanished in the deep "ceiling of life", my heart just.... *no word for it*

And now I wonder,
I wonder so much on where it is right now? Which star is watching over it? Is he (yes, btw, its a "he") afraid in loneliness and in the midst of darkness? Are the winds kind to him? Has he found his way?

Gosh, I miss him so much now I could cry...

Thought Out Loud:

When you see a girl helplessly "in love" with a helium balloon, you know either she's gone cuckoo or that the power of PMS is so great that humankind (or in this case, womenkind) takes an evolving leap in emotional life where limits holds no sky (which guys cant, bohoo!) :)

or

Maybe Horton and I did have something together... *sniff sniff*

******

This post is dedicated to Horton Penguin Minnisque. A beloved helium balloon and cherished "son".

~Lost but not forgotten~

I will always love and miss you....

I am sorry I had to let you go...

****Rest in Peace****

A Teardrop Away...

Currently Listening (current craze too): White Love Story - Coffee Prince OST

I guess the strike of PMS is inevitable! Emotions run wild and tears are only a blink away. Sometimes I don't know if I like it or it's just plain troublemsome. But I very much fancy the feeling, the feeling of having emotions and being able to channel it more outwardly. I guess in a way it makes me human and vunerable to others at times. And sometimes I don't mind that, cause it's not really easy stuffing everything inside a smile and making it work.

Sometimes I "rain" like a storm (mostly at night), sometimes I bite the head of others, sometimes I yakk like a goat (about nothing and everything), sometimes I hug and kiss people (family la) like embracing a big fat cute infant with "rambutan" cheeks and sometimes I become a little cuckoo and start acting weird (making faces to myself in the mirror).

And sometimes I am thankful. For real, for being able to shed tears again from time to time. Sometimes, life seems so dry. My eyes seem so dry. They used to be the broken tap of a water tank and I must confess, the title "cry baby" was always or somehow incorporated into my image. But since "then and there", my eyes became the pits of sand and the "tank of water" dried out and I could not find a reason to fill it anymore.

But PMS gives me the rare rain in "my drought", an oasis in my desert and comfort in being "fleshy". It returns emotion and unleashes the "wild" side. The side in where I am able to shout out loud in my room and confess out loud if I love or hate you (applicable to anyone)! :)

And sometimes it can get a little depressing. Or sometimes a lot. And that's when that happends,

*Bohohohohohoho....!!!*

And that's not just the conventional crying but the ones where you "rain" like a very upset baby.

:P

Like this:

LOL....
And actually, as sad as it seems. It feels good. It feels good to just rain it out. On the other hand, at that moment, I actually felt happy to be miserable at that moment. The rush of emotions and tears just flood inspiration and joy in. :P It makes me happy knowing I am sane, alive and human. It makes me happy that I can feel. That I can feel myself and you.

Thought out Loud:

"....nothing." =D

A parting thought for you.... :)

I woke today feeling the worst that I have ever felt in all my 20 years of mornings. I have cried myself to sleep tonnes of times before and I have seens mornings in which I pretended that everything that happened the night before was nothing - and lived my day despite it all.
But this morning, for the first time I felt "sucky" - so bad that I literally never want to wake up anymore. But I did, earlier than I did in a long time. I woke up and the first moment just dawned me that I was alive and everything with me was real. And thats when this excruciating sharp stab just hit me hard and that feeling of losing my concious and conscience was beginning to drown me in.

Of course... it would only be fair to cry when I wake if I cried myself to sleep. It could only get that bad right? I arised, dragged myself to the bathroom despite my heavy head and brushed my teeth. I walked down the stairs of my quiet house wearing my thick glasses and holding my two dear baby bolsters for dear life. As I took each step down, for the first time in my life I knew how a zombie felt. I don't know if I was amazed at myself and was in total denial of my current condition.

I started to watch cartoons. Because it was the decent and normal thing to do then. But the longer I sat there on the couch. the harder I could concentrate on the TV. I was losing my vision slowly and before it got any worse, I dragged myself up back to my room before passing out on my bed.

Do you know how to get a hangover without drinking a drop of alchohol or drug?
I bet you dont do you?

I do....

Just cry a river.....
And when your brain kicks in, you would obtained unimaginable "bengkak" eyes, a terrible migrain, extreme dizziness and before you know it, you pass out - literally!

A "friend" once told me that you can get blind by crying so much.
But that's not the main point here. *snorts*

You may be asking the reason to my current condition. And for once I am not sure. I thought I was given numerous reasons to act so. But to think of it now, none of them made sense at all.

I was always good at pretending, at lying to myself and hence deceiving others in the process. That I was okay, that I could still smile through it all, that I was willing to submit to all those shit and still be patient, that I could handle it, that I didnt mind taking the blame or just agreeing. And for once in my life NOW... I'M DONE!

I'm tired... of doing it all at your way.

A friendship consist of two people - two ways not one. If it has to end, at least provide me a bloody good reason and have the decency to tell it to me yourself! - we are no more in primary school, not even secondary!Can't be that hard, you've done it before several times. I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem in doing it again.

I dont know if I was such a terrible person of a friend or that I just wasnt worth your time.... for you to do it yourself.

I guess in life, no matter what happends we would always care for some people more and would always do. And for my case, I just couldn't stop caring for you. Ironic isnt it? Caring so much for a person and having the complete opposite return of action. It's ok, it is common among people. You cant force it or blame it and I accept it. But this is just too much!

What is so big that it has to end? Please, dont say because of the calls cause that is upright ridiculous! Most of the time I would sms you and asked if it was alright to call and you would say yes. Sometimes you call too. And everything seemed normal. Besides, you could just have said no (I KNOW IT WAS NO PROBLEM FOR YOU TO DO THAT!) or not answer my call.

If you had a problem, just tell me like you always do! You have no problem being rude or so.
So we would argue - big deal! We always do, but it always ends up right. If it ends, at least we would end in a fight, that would be much more comforting!

I am not "E" FROM BEHIND YOUR HOUSE! Where you can just summon and throw away whenever you please! Tell me, did your "friends" ask you to do the same with "E" too? Or is it just me? Cause "E" seemed like a bigger threat compared to me! You have you massive problems now and I am sorry I am not the RIGHT one to comfort you! But that doesn't give you the right to be a JERK all over again!

What hurts the most wasnt the breaking off, but how you decided you want me to know and all those bloody reasons that just dont make sense. With your council of "friends" telling you what to do and judging me without knowing an ounce of it. I dont deserve that, you damn well know I dont!

IF YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF CONSCIENCE AND APPRECIATION FOR THOSE TIMES WE'VE GONE THROUGH, YOU WOULD CALL!!! AND TELL ME YOURSELF WHY!!! WHY ALL OF THE SUDDEN - NOW!? EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE BEFORE! PLEASE DO TELL ME!!! CAUSE YOUR POSTMAN FAILED TO CONVINCE ME WITH THOSE "GOOD" ENOUGH REASONS! FOR ONCE BE HONEST TO ME AND TELL ME IF THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT!!!

YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH!!!!!!!!

AND IM SORRY I HAD TO POST IT IN MY BLOG!!! FORGIVE ME, I CANT LOOK OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR REPUTATION AND YOUR WORRIES/PROBLEMS WHILE YOU ARE CHOKING ME HERE!!!

Have a happy life "friend", please do! I wish it for you with all my heart!!!

And I hope you can sleep from now on and may all your worries subside!

"I can't tell you how much I bloody LOVE YOU right now!!!!"

People:

No questions

No comments

No sympathy

PLEASE LAY OFF!!!!

As you were...

~ What a beautiful time to go and watch the King and I musical. Of all days....