Withered Lavenders in my Garden...

Currently Listening to: Panis Angelicus by Charlotte Church


I am feeling a certain feeling now.... a feeling I haven't had in a very long time. Something that I have forgotten and something I dread very much to feel. There is no word for it or perhaps I refuse to give it it's name. For naming it would be labelling myself of it's load. Don't you find it somewhat amusing that feelings can differ in so many ways... and that by experiencing it after such a long halt would bring back so many memories and tastes. I guess you can call the joy of reminiscing. But I guess in this case, it seemed much less sweeter.

So yes, I am feeling rather.... well.... *that*...

And I can tell you one thing for sure, the feeling sucks!

I am somewhat perfectly fine and yet I could feel the inside of my chest clogging up like I am about to burst! Either what I'm feeling is really a little screwed up or the expensive (yet bitter tasting) salad I'm trying to "chow" down now is really getting to me.

I feel like sobbing but at the same time am dried up in the eyes. What can I say.... my body has yet to re-stock from the previous teary melt-down.

I keep feeling it! And now... I feel like there's a load of fat clogging in my heart's major artery and pushing me into a cardiac arrest!

Okay... maybe that's a little too much... but I give myself that kind of pictorial impression (when trying to describe it).. :P

And here I am "chowing" down an expensive salad pulak! So much for being healthy and having a heart attack! LOL! Might as well gobble up McD before I "die" instead.

*Yuck! The bitterness of it!* ----> reffering to salad... haaha...
O Bacon, where art thou??? (Jared and Rawlins, I need you!!!)

Okay... a little side track here... let's talk about the salad now... Once upon time.....there was a generous aunt who loves to bestow lovely things to her niece... Lately, she has taken a peculiar act in placing a nice plastic case (with lotsa golden labels on) with fresh and 'pretty' looking vegetables in it. It wasn't something you usually see in the supermarket or market but more like it was from a fancy restaurant where they charge you the price of meat for it... (meaning the money you pay there for the vege can be enough to buy belony or bacon!) Get my point? Basically, she told me it was for me to "moo" (get the cow hint?) down for my health, talk about me dieting? LOL! And it was so pretty and all that whenever I open the refrigerator... I would just take a moment and admire it... :P Weird I know but it's not everyday you get to see such 'lovely' greenary. Anyway, tonight or should I say lately... I've been feeling really... bumpy. So tonight I've decided to chow some of the 'pretty' vege as it's late and I didn't want to over eat over my dinner and supper....LOL! Yes, when I am not in a good mood... I either tend to feast like an animal or squeeze my tummy. So feeling a little guilty that I already had supper... I decided to 'attack' the vege instead and made myself a simple yet 'pretty' looking salad. But then... so much for expensive, it tasted like pure bitterness! *Lesson... outside cantik tak semestinya dalam menarik* But still I finsihed my salad for the sake of it. :S

And maybe an ounce of my current feelings of *that* is minorly contributed by the salad. Either way, I feel like banging my head on the wall.... (random thought).

Currently Listening to: Tell Me On A Sunday by Marti Webb
(I guess this song pretty much sums out now or what is bound to happen...)

God bless people and take care!

Break Me Into Pieces....

Currently Listening to: I Think I Love You

(OST: Full House)

Life can be a turbulent ride even when all seems fine.

Ain't it peculiar?

How a normal boring and mundane day can churn so many things inside you?

How those many things can affect you ever so heavily eventhough it may be small in measurements?

Maybe it's because you're free and somewhat empty inside that even a drop of pin is audible?

Is this all just a plain.... *can't find the right word for this feeling*?

*BREATHES IN AND OUT!!!!*

I don't like it. I don't like this sucky feeling. This "argh" motion in me.



Maybe some things are just catching up.... Don't you hate it when you're not perfect?

I need my Saviour...!!!!

Bubbling Butterflies

Currently Listening to:

Geu Deh Ji Geum

by

Lim Jung Hee

(OST: Full House)

I am a somewhat troubled inside.

A little.

Maybe just a little teeny weeny bit troubled.... I think.

Or not?

It's been bugging me non-stop, putting me on private emotional fits and fustration just envelopes my emotions all day.

Is that a lot or little?

Cause I keep thinking it's okay (or it's gonna be okay) and it will past soon in time.

But I can't help it... I can't help feeling icky and fustrated.

The feeling is terrible!

And at the same time I feel sad, upset and emotional. I'm pretty sure PMS is way gone and 'I'm fine'. But some things happening lately has just seem to get me in the nerves very badly. Not just one matter but more. And it all turns into a conflicted battle that just drives me crazy! Ripping me apart and tormenting my sanity!

I just wanna run away to my own wonderland and pretend I am a bubbly retard where my world only revolves around rainbows, flowers, butterflies and beautiful weather. And no one can disturb me!

***Cheers to retardedness!***

"Pretend you don't know and just keep on living!"

Don't Rain On My Parade!

I am freaking fustrated, dissapointed, sad and cranky!!

Shaun Boey, I am so so SORRY!!!! Same goes to Meng and Nick!

Really thought I could make it but I guess it was God's will that I didn't.

Still.... it's killing me inside! I REALLY wanna go!

*Sniff* This is gonna haunt me for a long time...

I haven't been this "argh" in a long time. Why o why??? Bohohohoo...!!!

Bite Me!

Whispering voices in my head!

I am an idiot!!!

I am so not okay!

A Teardrop Away...

Currently Listening (current craze too): White Love Story - Coffee Prince OST

I guess the strike of PMS is inevitable! Emotions run wild and tears are only a blink away. Sometimes I don't know if I like it or it's just plain troublemsome. But I very much fancy the feeling, the feeling of having emotions and being able to channel it more outwardly. I guess in a way it makes me human and vunerable to others at times. And sometimes I don't mind that, cause it's not really easy stuffing everything inside a smile and making it work.

Sometimes I "rain" like a storm (mostly at night), sometimes I bite the head of others, sometimes I yakk like a goat (about nothing and everything), sometimes I hug and kiss people (family la) like embracing a big fat cute infant with "rambutan" cheeks and sometimes I become a little cuckoo and start acting weird (making faces to myself in the mirror).

And sometimes I am thankful. For real, for being able to shed tears again from time to time. Sometimes, life seems so dry. My eyes seem so dry. They used to be the broken tap of a water tank and I must confess, the title "cry baby" was always or somehow incorporated into my image. But since "then and there", my eyes became the pits of sand and the "tank of water" dried out and I could not find a reason to fill it anymore.

But PMS gives me the rare rain in "my drought", an oasis in my desert and comfort in being "fleshy". It returns emotion and unleashes the "wild" side. The side in where I am able to shout out loud in my room and confess out loud if I love or hate you (applicable to anyone)! :)

And sometimes it can get a little depressing. Or sometimes a lot. And that's when that happends,

*Bohohohohohoho....!!!*

And that's not just the conventional crying but the ones where you "rain" like a very upset baby.

:P

Like this:

LOL....
And actually, as sad as it seems. It feels good. It feels good to just rain it out. On the other hand, at that moment, I actually felt happy to be miserable at that moment. The rush of emotions and tears just flood inspiration and joy in. :P It makes me happy knowing I am sane, alive and human. It makes me happy that I can feel. That I can feel myself and you.

Thought out Loud:

"....nothing." =D

Dance in the rain.... and dont get striked by lightning.

It's been sometime since I sit in the college computer lab so early in the morning. And I kind of miss the feeling. The feeling of doing whatever I want alone in a huge room full of people I dont know. :)

But this doesn't happen often, for since all of my classes are in the afternoon, this is as good as it gets. It is refreshing here, listening to my MP3, with Pearl Harbour's OST ringing in my ear, giving me the soothness of soul in "Tennesse".

There is so much to be said, so much to be heard and so much to "suck" in....

It is as if my life is blowing up with so many miniature matters that just clustters my head upside down. And I just don't know where to begin...

For starters, I had one of the most horrible dream I had since I was a little girl, I freaked out big time. But I am not going to state what happened, just glad it was a dream.. more like a nightmare!

College is sitll very much hectic. It is only the second week and I am sorta struggling to keep on and understand stuff. My first assignment is a totaly blur, and I might just get zero for it :P But it is only 2.5%..... still, eventhough every mark counts, I just can't seem to bother. I am just so restless and tired inside.

Sometimes I feel like this:

Like just siting in a little cup fit for me....

Just hiding in there and keeping the O-so-cluttered-world away from me.

Maybe I just some sayang la...

I had a refreshing conversation with Jon the other day and some words just struck me, hard. And it was so true, as if everything he said was implemented for me. I cant quote him exactly, but a sentence got me here: "When you kill something in you, a part of your soul dies" (something like that, concept la). And that "something" isnt anything bad la, just not meant to be there at the moment (but essential to us at the same time).

And it got me there, right then. It was a phrase that describe what I was feeling inside.

Since everything.... I just start killing "it" all in me.... sometimes forcefully, bluntly and even reluctantly. All for the sake to be "right in life". And sometimes I feel that if I keep doing that, I am not going to get it back in the near future when it is time for me to embrace it permanantly.

Bottomline, sometimes I refuse to "Kill" it all because I am afraid I would lose the spark in me..... And that spark is the thing that keeps me going most of the time...

Dont get it, nvm. Its personal anyway....

And it is so hard to kill.... would you kill the kitty?

Or maybe give it away???

I guess it ain't my kitty to keep....

"Parting is such sweet sorrow...."

But I suppose it is the Lord's will and everything will fall into place in the right time.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all else shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33)

"Ther right thing in the wrong time is a wrong thing" -Joshua Harris; I kissed dating goodbye

(not direct quote)

I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back....!

Wake up Philee Tan!!! The race has already begun!