Vanity

What is it?

Is it something I lack?

Or something I need more?

In my account? BOTH!

o_0" ???

I wish I was vain-ner. As in more vain??

Yes, you heard me. I would like to be a VAIN POT!

Why? Maybe it would make my life easier.

How so?

- My mum and aunt would nag me less on "prepping up" my appearance.

- I wouldn't always feel insecure around other girls.

- I could be confident. And be HAPPY!

- I would have no problem looking at my own pictures and videos.

- I wouldn't worry so much on how I look all the time (knowing I look good).

But I would also prefer my life to be LESS vain... more like no sense of self-appearance at all!

Why so?

- I could care less of what people think.

- I can be lazy and not take effort or time to doll up.

- I don't need to worry about how I look.

- I can just buy cheap clothes and stuff and look normal.

- It's not that I am in "the market".

- Not pretty, means not pretty la.... being less of a vain person would make it easier to accept.

OKAY, you must think this is a cynical entry.

I think so too? But lately, cynical is all I am.

Or maybe my SE level has just decreased suddenly due to PMS?

(SE: self-esteem)

It is bad enough I am not THAT smart in a little "retarded" :P

But now I have to feel like a disfigured pumpkin? Yes, that is the new word I use to define myself now. And nope, I didn't use the word "potato" because I dont even think I am worthy of using it! :P

*SIGH*

In case you are wondering, Graduation Ball was okay... most of us end up "camwhoring" (as what Meng would call it) all night

There are LOADS of pics, but because of my current condition, I cant find it in me to post them up!

On the day itself, Miss Yiang and I headed to 1 Utama to "doll up".

We had our hair done in Monsoon ID (curls) and make-up in CHRSTIAN DIOR!

Needless to say, everything WASN'T cheap but it wasnt often the both of us put "gunk" on our hair and face. (We couldn't do the make up ourselves cause the both of us are "buta make-up")

Ella said she couldnt recognise us because of the make-up (we barely apply it ever - so no surprise tak kenal la).

I had my Korean champagn satin dress on with my 6 inche (I think so) white heel on (which almost killed me at the end of the night).

For once in a long time, I actually felt pretty like a princess :)

And it felt real good.

But I guess pictures dont show it do they (kinda obvious I am not photogenic - so sad)? Or was I just prasan in the first place? :(

Regardless, I am not posting any pictures of the ball YET. Or at least till my SE level go up and maybe after a little editing?

*DOUBLE SIGH*

So yes, I wish I was less vain - so I couldnt care less and just post it all up.

But I also wish that I could be a vain pot so I can "take care" of myself better....

Here's the thing, I nak cantik, tapi I wont go through lengths to look good.

Yes I am vain, but NOT THAT vain.

I would never STARVE myself just to lose a pound and I would never bother to put more than normal cleanser on my face to have toner - or what ever it is - pretty skin!

So being a mediocre and in the middle in things arent really all that good sometimes.

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Let me tell you a story, a story of DIET!

Firstly, I dont diet, never did and dont intend to.

Yesterday, my aunt came to me with a diet plan printed neatly on a white piece of paper. She told me to go for it...yada yada.... get it la...

She literally forced me to take it in which it just ended up on the coffee table - waiting to be cleard by the maid.

Yes..... I know... I am so ignorantly mean. But the moment she told me about it, the first thing that whacked my head inside was - What? No! *END*

The next day - today: I saw it "stucked" on the refrigerator!

And at the end of the day during dinner, she asked me.... hows your diet???

0_o" ????

What? She actually thought I would go for it when it didnt even crossed my "shallow" mind!

I told her I didnt do it. And sat at the table ready to eat my dinner!

She on the other hand stood right by the diet!

Anyway, I had potato soup with rice. No lauk pauk for me because I like me rice to be in the soup (like baby food) and of course my maid would ensure I had lots of potato in my bowl!

The moment my aunt saw what I was eating, the very rutine and regular phrase come out:

"Potato again?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES THEY HAVE??!!"

And let's not start with the 'fat story' here... there is so much I can blog about without vomitting my dinner out!

So anyway... I didnt really eat it all - the dinner. I left it on the table and walked out saying I am full (it is hard to eat in front of my aunt! she would count the calories as I put the spoon in my mouth, lol) while she was telling me how she was sticking to our - her diet!

So later on while I was talking to her and mum, she told me she gave my unfinished dinner then to the maid!!! So I takde makan apa la. In which it was okay! Because thankfully after class today, Yiang and I went for a little shopping in Ikano. We also bought some food in KFC - I bought whipped potato and wedges (been craving them for so long). Hence I am not that hungry.

After my mum and aunt found out I had a pre-KFC dinner, let's just say another round of "fat story" la... - shall not go into it!

I had to roll my eyes INSIDE because I couldnt care less!!!

Yes, I want to be slim and pretty, but I am not going to deny myself good food for it.

Sad to say, for me - eat then worry. It's not like I am really FAT in reality, I am just not thin. That's all. Sure, I may have my insecure moments - like now. But I am not going to starve just to justify my looks!

Again, the same point, vain but not vain enough.

I am a true Malaysian - I like to eat. Period.

Okay, back to the story....

My aunt start talking and "complaining" about my "tummy" saying "yada yada..." :P

Let's just say I wasnt really sinking it in ....

Not to mention my mum too, beside there "shooting" me with all the "physical comments" yada yada...

You wanna know something "amazing"?

My aunt has this "gift" in telling when I gain weight and when I lose it. She is like this human weighing machine. And most of the time she would tell me where I put on some extra "skin".

Which btw.... no one else can NOTICE!

Usually, kalau lama tak jumpa then can notice la... I mean there is comparison from the previous look ma....but seeing me everyday, she can tell even by an mm. 0_o"

Okay, I may not be thin or have a washboard tummy, but I am certainly not FAT

In mean sense, I am just a little judgy or berisi.

And according to my grandmother, that is real good. :)

Anyway, I am not really criticising my family, I love them to bits. Its just some people have their own opinions and when you are the youngest, you just have to bare it all in.

*SIGHS*

I wish I was slim,

I wish I was pretty,

I wish I could eat it all
And still feel so dainty.

But I thank the Lord through it all for what He has blessed me with. I am very much more fortunate than others and I appreciate the joys and things He has bestowed upon me. I may not be perfect but I know I am deeply loved by Him.

I am created in His image and beautiful in everyway - I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder - and I shall try to "hold it. I may not feel "up" now. But I know I aint all that bad. And if I were, I am sure the "light of Him" in me will shine through. :) Amen....

So Philee, it is okay if you're not pretty or thin... As long as you keep smiling for real and keep it in you, I am sure "inner beauty" will come through....

(self comforting :P)

To God, here are my worries and my life. Do as you please.

Bonjour!!

A little update...

Sadly no pictures STILL even when my camera is full of em - argh to cable!

But words will do for now.

1. Tomorrow is the Diploma Graduation Ball!!!!

Yeah baby!

Actually, this is my first Ball ("pai seh, yes!") and I am uhhh...don't know la. For a normal girl, I am suppose to be excited. But I am not exactly roller-coaster thrilled. Maybe because it isnt THAT fancy like high school where everyone you know will be there? For college is different, you'd barely know anyone else besides your own course or department.

Or maybe because there won't be a romantic DATE to take me?

Super LOL!

If you are a typical and highly normal girl (-_-") I am sure if you were to get ALL dressed up and looking pretty, you would want to attend a Ball with your boyfriend, crush...etc right?

But no, I wont be having a fairy tale evening tomorrow.

AND IT IS OKAY!

LOL!

For that's what single friends are for!!!

Amen to Meng and Yiang!! We are the only three STOOGES who are NOT attending their own convocation but going for the ball only.

Yes, we are infamous for it (too much? lol)....

Well, those from the busary and service centre department seem to think so. I have heard "Wah, only the three of you going for the ball without with convocation..." so many times.

LOL!

But it is a smart move. Cause the convo is SO expensive! And besides, we have degree coming. :)

So anyway... there are many turn-off points for the Ball tomorrow:

- I have yet to decide on a dress!

I have lots of evening gowns but I am a little indecisive as always.

- I LOOK PUDGY!

I put on weight..... :P

- Acne!

A stupid big RED acne just have to pop up yesterday when I woke up..... ARGH! Right on my chin...!!! I hope foundation can COVER it!

- Camera out of batteries!

Remember to buy tomorrow.... Besides, cable pun rosak... no point la... try la.

- Make-up and hair!!!

Yiang and I are going to 1 Utama tomorrow to do our hair and make-up in the saloon. But suddenly mummy say that it is more expensive than expected. Gulp?!

- PMS alert!!!!

My monthly strawbery cycle is coming..... ahem* O My Darling!!! Please dont get strawberry tomorrow!!! Or at least not CRAMPS!!!!

- I'm worried I am not going to enjoy the Ball....

Its a personal thing.... just not all "EEEeeee" into it. :(

I am currently feeling like this now.... and I hope I don't look like this tomorrow night!

2. I just watched Evan Almighty again (on DVD) and it is funny...hehehe.... just wanna share this quote with you guys:

God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

It sinks in slowly..... absorb it!

3. Let His will be done....

Suddenly, recently, an old hym just hit me.

It was called "Trust and obey"

I cant remember the whole song but the chorus went like this:

Trust and obey,

For there is no other way.

To be happy in Jesus,

But to trust and obey.

And it is true.... VERY true and important. I am not going to elaborate much on it for everything is just so vivid. But I guess it take time and patience before it all sinks in according to His will. I suppose we just have to take a step of faith and follow Him.

"TRUST AND OBEY!!"

ATTENTION!!!!

Disclaimer:

This entry/post may be overrated, vain, prasan-ted...whatever it is, bla bla bla...(according to your mind and how big ur capacity at looking at the "bigger picture"). And it may be rather offending and disturbing. Especially to males/boys/men/jantans...etc. who are too prasan-ted, insecure and desperate. :D

You can choose to not read, or have some balls and take it in like a man. (Apologies for the vivid description)

The "you" mentioned are directed to several guys out there (siapa makan cili, dialah yang pedas)!

I rather not post this entry and end up ticking off some people. I dislike deeply to be rude or to scar one's emotions but for the better sake of everyone, I think it is best I speak my mind honestly and avoid any misunderstandings (with me).

Fact one with Philee:

- I am a nice person in nature and I like to be one. It makes me feel good, not for some prideful and bitchy reason but because it gives me a bigger heart to be patient, understanding and to let go of anger and resentment easily. To sum it all, I can "let it go"(what most of you people cant) and still be be cheerful. I don't mind taking the rougher road or taking the blame...etc. Some may say, I am just being soft, innocent and timid or MEAK. Whatever it is, I don't see the problem. I just like being nice. Not to impress you, or to get your attention or yada yada yada....

I am nice FOR MYSELF and nothing else! I don't have ulterior motives, I am just being myself.

Hence:

When I am NICE to you, that DOESN'T mean I LIKE you!!!

Please don't be so sensitive and prasan! If being nice to someone means liking someone, then nuns wouldn't be nuns and monks wouldn't be monks! :P GET IT?!

I am sorry if you got the wrong signals...bla bla bla... But I assure you firmly, my kindness and nice-ness do not bear anything else in it. I don't flirt generally and prefer not to and believe it or not, I dont like doing it - except to my future boyfriend.

And believe this, I do not like the attention unlike most girls. Yes I am blowing my own horn here and a rather unusual one, but it is a mere fact and you may call me abnormal. But I get disgusted when a guy gets mushy with me even in mere words. Normally, girls would like it even when they are attached but not me. I am very single but highly NOT available!

Once upon a time in teen girly land, I may enjoy it. Being liked and adored and all. But NOW, back off! I get "ewwww-y" and yucky chills when you get "sweet".

Main point: (Read the BIG sentence up there) and FYI, I am not a lesbian :P I am 100 percent boy crazy, but only to 1 boy in a long period of time and hence I don't entertain anyone else.

Fact two with Philee:

- I appreciate and cherish friendships (after hard trials) and I am please to be a friend. I believe a guy and a girl can be friends without complications if there is mutual sincerity and respect.

But ONLY as friends and nothing else! Anything ELSE doesn't even come close to my mind!

Most of my guy friends are like buddies to me... "ji muis" that dont wear skirts. Or just good old brothers... NOTHING else!

Hence, If you are seeking anything MORE out of this friendship or have ulterior motives I suggest you back off! To save yourself a heart break and my guilt for losing a friend.

I know you are just being my friend because you want something more. Well, guess what? To me, if you're not a real friend, you are nothing more! Don't waste my time and yours.

I dont entertain "girlfriend finders".

Let's be CLEARER if it is STILL fuzzy for you. I am nice because I believe in a real friendship and I am under the impression that thats the only thing. But if you regard it as a "chance" to move "deeper" or yada yada (however you wanna put it), then I am sure we are NOT in the same track.

I am not misleading you, I didn't say I like you nor give mixture signs. As a matter of fact, if I feel you are getting "too close", I tend to back step back. Hence, open your eyes, I have been inserting cold and ignoring messages in between that a pig would know how to back off!!! And they say girls are sensitives - talk about big time prasan-ted men!

Don't blame me if you are desperate and in need of female attention. I can be there as a friend sincerely but anything more, piss off!

You wanna flirt, I am sure there are plenty of pretty girls out there who will gladly flirt with you. But with me, just be nice in a good way and stay that way. If you can't I can show you the exit.

Lots of people are nice and nice is common. But it does not define people. So don't fall for nice people for you are seeking only the surface of something that might dissapoint you.

Fact three with Philee:

- When you say you like me... bla bla bla... I miss you....ETC?

The first thing that comes to my mind is.... "BULLSH*T"!!!!

And nothing else. You don't even know me let alone like me! Heck, I don't think you remember how I look like! Again, NICE is just a personality and attitude. It doesn't say much of who I really am!

For all you know, I can freak you away big time if I want!

It may be "romantic" for a girl to hear it but everything just get "tapis" through my octopus head and comes out like you've just cursed!

I am not who you think I am. FYI, the "Philee" you like may just NOT be me!

I am nice, yes. But among those who know me, I can be freaky.

Btw, dont think you know me... you have no idea.... so to save your time:

When I am nice to you, it means I don't like you (in that BGR way)!!!

Cause when I do like you (in a BGR way), I would be far from NICE! :P

So if you want to be a friend and nothing more, you are welcome in my life. But anything else, I am sorry, I am far from interested.

So I guess all your efforts in being "sweet" and mushy to me has been in vain for I am far from impressed - more like disgusted. Hence I ask you to stop and find another "friend".

"I am sorry, I can not give you what you seek."

"I am NOT your future potential girlfriend!"

"I am not perfect and definitely NOT the nicest girl around."

"You want to flirt and get some female attention, get hospitalized! I am sure the nurse is kind enough to give you that!"

"I am nice to you because it is who I am and I choose to be for the right reasons. It has no affiliations whatsoever with your male ego and desires. I do not enjoy your "sweetness" and undivided attention. I only ask for the fair nice treatment of a friend and nothing more. So if you think you got a "shot" or whatever it is... sorry la, you balik kampung tidur la!"

"If you are my friend for other reasons than the most fundamental reason (of just being a friend), the I suggest you leave. Don't waste my time and yours. I do not fancy you and is no where in the near future am going to do so."

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Okay, that ia a CRUEL and RUDE entry. And I AM SORRY for posting it. But I had to let it out and make it known that I am uncomfortable with some advances made by certain male friends. I do not want to mislead you with my nice-ness, hence I am stopping you now.

And mostly, I want to save my time in "entertaining a false friendship" and your time in seeking something that won't happen.

It just hit me that some of you are only being my a friend to seek something more... And I am disturbed by it. For I take friends for real. You want a girlfriend? Well, you've come to the wrong place. Nice knowing you, good bye.

People, don't ask me to NOT be NICE and all. I am not going to change myself (a good part in which I fancy and take joy in) just because some guys lack security and are just desperate.

FYI, if you still want to argue, then guys dont be so good also la. Dont be a hero, for girls easily fall for them. Dont help others and be bad la. Eg. Save the distressed, True gentleman....etc

If a guy opens a door for you or acts polite, that doesnt really mean he like you la! He may just be NICE in nature and you cant ask him not to just because you might like him right?

If so then there would be MORE rude and violent people and only FEW NICE people who are only nice to their own pleasurable account.

You have a problem with me, deal with it yourself. It ain't mine to bear. You can't tahan my nice-ness, I can introduce a few friends who can "rude" you up!

Again, I am VERY sorry for this disturbing and offending entry. I just want to clear things up and not stay in mirky false friendships!

Do have a nice day and God bless....

I got tagged! :)

I got tagged by Mr. EmKay and had no idea all this time....hahaha.
So ermmm.... since I am a little bored here, I shall do the tag.... :P

a) YELLOW are the statements that are true to you.
b) GREEN the statements that you WISH are true.
Then, tag 5 people to do the same test...

1) I miss somebody right now.
2) I do not watch tv these days.
3) I wear glasses or contact lenses.
4) I love to play video games.
5) I have tried marijuana.
6) I have been in a threesome.
7) I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
8) I have changed mentally over the last year.
9) I curse.
10) I’m totally smart.
11) I’ve broken someone’s bones.
12) I’m paranoid sometimes.
13) I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
14) I need money right now.
15) I love sushi.
16) I talk really, really fast.
17) I have long hair.
18) I have lost money in Las Vegas.
19) I have at least one sibling.
20) I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
21) I couldn’t survive without Caller ID.
22) I like the way I look.
23) I am usually pessimistic.
24) I have a lot of mood swings.
25) I have a hidden talent.
26) I’m always hyper.
27) I have a lot of friends.
28) I have pecked someone of the same sex.
29) I enjoy talking on the phone.
30) I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
31) I love to shop.
32) Enjoy window shopping.
33) I would rather shop than eat.
34) I don’t hate anyone.
35) I’m a pretty good dancer.
36) I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
37) I have a cell phone.
38) I believe in God.
39) I am an adrenaline junkie.
40) I watch MTV on a daily basis.
41) I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
42) I’ve rejected someone before.
43) I want to have children in the future.
44) I have changed a diaper before.
45) I’ve called the cops on a friend before.
46) I’m not allergic to anything.
47) I have a lot to learn.
48) I’m shy around members of the opposite sex.
49) I have made a move on a friends significant other or crush in the past.
50) I have tried alcohol before.
51) I own the South Park movie.
52) I would die for my best friend.
53) I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
54) I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
55) I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
56) Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
57) I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
58) I am happy at this moment!
59) I’m obsessed with girls.
60) I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
61) I study for tests most of the time.
62) I am comfortable with who I am right now.
63) I have more than just my ears pierced.
64) I walk barefoot wherever I can.
65) I have jumped off a bridge.
66) I love sea turtles.
67) I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
68) Plan on achieving a major goal & dream.
69) I’m proficient in an musical instrument.
70) I hate office jobs.
71) I love sci-fi movies.
72) I think water rules.
73) I went college out of state.
74) I like sausages.
75) I love kisses.
76) I fall for the worst people
77) I adore bright colours.
78) I can’t live without black eyeliner.
79) I don’t know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
80) I usually like covers better than originals.
81) I can pick up things with my toes.
82) I can whistle.
83) I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake’s slither.
84) I have ridden/owned a horse.

85) I still have every journal I’ve written in.

86) I can’t stick to a diet. But who needs diets?
87) I talk in my sleep.
88) I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
89) I have jazz in my blood.
90) Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time. Can't even lift myself up.
91) I wear a toe ring.
92) I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
93) I am a caffeine junkie.
94) I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
95) I have been to over 15 conventions. Maybe 1 or none.
96) I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
97) I’m an artist.
98) I only clean my room when necessary.
99) I like a person of the same sex.
100) I love being happy.

I tag:

* Daphne
* Yiang
* Jacq
* Rachel
* YOU (points at the person looking at this now!) :P