A parting thought for you.... :)

I woke today feeling the worst that I have ever felt in all my 20 years of mornings. I have cried myself to sleep tonnes of times before and I have seens mornings in which I pretended that everything that happened the night before was nothing - and lived my day despite it all.
But this morning, for the first time I felt "sucky" - so bad that I literally never want to wake up anymore. But I did, earlier than I did in a long time. I woke up and the first moment just dawned me that I was alive and everything with me was real. And thats when this excruciating sharp stab just hit me hard and that feeling of losing my concious and conscience was beginning to drown me in.

Of course... it would only be fair to cry when I wake if I cried myself to sleep. It could only get that bad right? I arised, dragged myself to the bathroom despite my heavy head and brushed my teeth. I walked down the stairs of my quiet house wearing my thick glasses and holding my two dear baby bolsters for dear life. As I took each step down, for the first time in my life I knew how a zombie felt. I don't know if I was amazed at myself and was in total denial of my current condition.

I started to watch cartoons. Because it was the decent and normal thing to do then. But the longer I sat there on the couch. the harder I could concentrate on the TV. I was losing my vision slowly and before it got any worse, I dragged myself up back to my room before passing out on my bed.

Do you know how to get a hangover without drinking a drop of alchohol or drug?
I bet you dont do you?

I do....

Just cry a river.....
And when your brain kicks in, you would obtained unimaginable "bengkak" eyes, a terrible migrain, extreme dizziness and before you know it, you pass out - literally!

A "friend" once told me that you can get blind by crying so much.
But that's not the main point here. *snorts*

You may be asking the reason to my current condition. And for once I am not sure. I thought I was given numerous reasons to act so. But to think of it now, none of them made sense at all.

I was always good at pretending, at lying to myself and hence deceiving others in the process. That I was okay, that I could still smile through it all, that I was willing to submit to all those shit and still be patient, that I could handle it, that I didnt mind taking the blame or just agreeing. And for once in my life NOW... I'M DONE!

I'm tired... of doing it all at your way.

A friendship consist of two people - two ways not one. If it has to end, at least provide me a bloody good reason and have the decency to tell it to me yourself! - we are no more in primary school, not even secondary!Can't be that hard, you've done it before several times. I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem in doing it again.

I dont know if I was such a terrible person of a friend or that I just wasnt worth your time.... for you to do it yourself.

I guess in life, no matter what happends we would always care for some people more and would always do. And for my case, I just couldn't stop caring for you. Ironic isnt it? Caring so much for a person and having the complete opposite return of action. It's ok, it is common among people. You cant force it or blame it and I accept it. But this is just too much!

What is so big that it has to end? Please, dont say because of the calls cause that is upright ridiculous! Most of the time I would sms you and asked if it was alright to call and you would say yes. Sometimes you call too. And everything seemed normal. Besides, you could just have said no (I KNOW IT WAS NO PROBLEM FOR YOU TO DO THAT!) or not answer my call.

If you had a problem, just tell me like you always do! You have no problem being rude or so.
So we would argue - big deal! We always do, but it always ends up right. If it ends, at least we would end in a fight, that would be much more comforting!

I am not "E" FROM BEHIND YOUR HOUSE! Where you can just summon and throw away whenever you please! Tell me, did your "friends" ask you to do the same with "E" too? Or is it just me? Cause "E" seemed like a bigger threat compared to me! You have you massive problems now and I am sorry I am not the RIGHT one to comfort you! But that doesn't give you the right to be a JERK all over again!

What hurts the most wasnt the breaking off, but how you decided you want me to know and all those bloody reasons that just dont make sense. With your council of "friends" telling you what to do and judging me without knowing an ounce of it. I dont deserve that, you damn well know I dont!

IF YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF CONSCIENCE AND APPRECIATION FOR THOSE TIMES WE'VE GONE THROUGH, YOU WOULD CALL!!! AND TELL ME YOURSELF WHY!!! WHY ALL OF THE SUDDEN - NOW!? EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE BEFORE! PLEASE DO TELL ME!!! CAUSE YOUR POSTMAN FAILED TO CONVINCE ME WITH THOSE "GOOD" ENOUGH REASONS! FOR ONCE BE HONEST TO ME AND TELL ME IF THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT!!!

YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH!!!!!!!!

AND IM SORRY I HAD TO POST IT IN MY BLOG!!! FORGIVE ME, I CANT LOOK OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR REPUTATION AND YOUR WORRIES/PROBLEMS WHILE YOU ARE CHOKING ME HERE!!!

Have a happy life "friend", please do! I wish it for you with all my heart!!!

And I hope you can sleep from now on and may all your worries subside!

"I can't tell you how much I bloody LOVE YOU right now!!!!"

People:

No questions

No comments

No sympathy

PLEASE LAY OFF!!!!

As you were...

~ What a beautiful time to go and watch the King and I musical. Of all days....

Lately....

Hello...

I kinda agree with this now...

Lately, I am just more than a little reluctant to blog.

Firstly, because the camera cable has been "sot" for some reason. Hence, I can't post up pictures in which of all times, I just have to have a load of them lining up to be "paraded" for my sweet readers to wash their eyes on...tehee... :)

Second, a little PMS has cause my blogging emotions to swiftly change from time to time. This results in me writing a "book" of my entire day's thoughts in my head but unable to leave them on the laptop keyboard. Bummer... I even had it all lined up in me mind... like a narration in Ally Mcbeal. :P

Anyway.... just catch up on recent events:

- My relatives from Belgium are (back) here in Malaysia for 2 months (after coming back 4 years ago) and things have been a little hectic around the house. My cousin bro has turned out to be a HUNK but we only said less than a paragraph of words since the first day, lol - aside from the compulsary hug and kiss (cheek) at the arrival terminal at KLIA. There are tonnes of European candy and chocolate at my house now and it is not helping with my PMS!

- I came in serious contact with a baby! After so long!!! Lots of hugs and kisses to little "Ka Chun" - the baby my aunt was babysitting (I totally "booked" him)!!! But I think I smoothered him with too much attention that he didn't really like me, lol. But since he was a baby, I was in charge, LOL! I love babies!

- Serious biological abdomen PMS (not emo) that causes the consumption of 8 Panadols for the last two days!! ~Better to overdose than to overpain~ Philee's principle

Gosh... it WAS REALLY BAD this month!!!

- Happy 21st (belated) Birthday to Jonathan Lai Tien Chi !!! I am glad I got you that cow! I first saw it sitting at shop quite sometime ago and when I first laid eyes on it, I knew that I was SO gonna get that for your birthday! Of course the main reason was because it was a cow, a cute cow - I knew you like cows! LOL, but I didnt purchase it then, for it was still early and something better might just pop up. But I guess somehow subconciously I just made up my mind to get that. Cause everytime I went into that shop, I would check the cow out, to see if it was still there or the condition of it. So a week or less before your birthday, I finally bought it - after stalking it for....errr...hehehe (better not say). Initially, I wanted to get you a nice and funny cow cup I saw at MPH, but to send it by mail would be....uhhh...not glass safe, so the plushie was the best in mind. :)

- Adults or middle age - to be exact, women are SO..... *speechless* I so don't want to grow up! It's ok Philee, you can take it! Let it go.... chill... I'm cool.....*shows moody and pouty face*

- I still have NO WORD of my application for degree in Murdoch University!!! I know Yiang.... haha, harap-harap we start together NEXT MONDAY! Let's hope things will go right! I put it in His hands, let His will be done! AMEN!

- I need to do better things during my holidays - or to be exact, the last week of my holidays - or to be more exact, the MAYBE last week of my holidays (If I get accepted into Murdoch by then la!!). I feel like going for rock climbing, but with "strawbery" following me now, I just cant move much. I wanna go out, have fun! I wanna dance like a wild crazy party girl and still be a decent person - which is very possible. FYI, I don't go clubbing!

~ Have faith in the Lord and let Him take control~

Something random....

Key word: "COULD"

Slash the "a" and replace it with "the"

As said, it's just random. So don't ask me mushy stuff, for I ain't got anything mushy to tell.
So have a pleasant day ahead and I bid you CHEERIOS!
God bless and lotsa smiles to you!
xoxo

This moment in this day

"I AM...."
I am just so..... *can't find a word for it*

I am feeling tonnes of things at a single moment and it is CHOKING me! Literally! My insides feel so heavy and my intakes of breathe are short and forced. They are all just flooding me endlessly. Everything, everyone....

Everything seemed so clusttered..... like it is eating me alive.

The comforting thing I can think of doing to myself to just to dunk my entire self - especially my head into a pool of water! Like a swimming pool and just stay there till I forget that I need to breathe. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to kill myself or drown. But I just want to submerge into some tranquility before the sky hits my very head!

People are so.... and I am soo....
And life goes on .....

Who gives in ? Who makes way? Who witstands it all? Who bites it all in ?
If not me?

Maybe it is a good thing, a big thing. But a balloon can only go so big.

These are the time when you wished you were invinsible, when you can just fly away and not come back.
But you can't, you can't leave others to suffer on your account or even alone.

No matter how much we try, it will never be enough.

But still, we keep pushing, we push ourselves for the sake of others, for the ones we care and love.
It is tiring, it always is.... for we are only human.
However, in the end we find out that we live for others and not ourselves.

Who will be be then?

It feels like the inner "me" is brewing a cauldron of "soup".
A soup full with:

Regrets - no regrets - aggravation- aggitated - tired- restles - annoyed - mundane - worried - confuse - has a prick in the butt - lifeless - colourless - fake

And through it all, the "soup" just end up being the starter for a full PMS main course!

Okay, I am not blaming it on PMS, or maybe I just have it since it is almost time for "strawberies to grow".... but with everything just rushing into me lately, I feel like this the time where my "smiles" are tested.

"There is so much to say but only so few to be heard...." - random self quote

How I wish it to be so....

I have a crush on Joshua....

LOL....
Joshua who, you may ask?
Not Joshua Ho or Joshua Kuan or Joshua Sia or Joshua Phillip or JoshuaTeh or Joshua Teoh or Joshua Loh (Yes, I know THAT MANY Joshua's)!
It is none other than:

JOSHUA BELL!!!!

Yes!! Moi new husband!!! Lol! I've always liked him as a prominent violinist (hence I could never missed out in watching him LIVE!), but after seeing him for real, I am totally gaga over him, lol. Yesterday (Sunday) my parents and I attended MPO again (with him as the guest performer!) at KLCC. For all you jinjangs (lol, no offence) who do not know what MPO means, it is the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra.
I have been excited for this matinee for weeks and upon seeing him... i actually almost squealed out literally! But had to refrained myself badly - cant make much sound in the Philharmonic Hall except clapping la, tempat beradab ma, lol.
JOSHUA BELL in person....my my...it was wonderful. Of course he was little older and broader looking than the CD album cover, but none the less he was a beautiful creature. I sat second row from the front - yes its near but I wouldn't want to have it any further. He stood just 3 metres away from where I sat looking dashing in black. I could practically smell him! One of his most prominet body feature was his thick honey coloured hazel hair, I swear if he didn't make it out as a musician, he would make a great hair model!
Anyway... when he started playing.... it was BEYOND WORDS.... I have heard many big time violinist play there in the MPO Hall but no one as beautiful as him. Yes, I am using the word beautiful... no other word would say more. As I sat there ever so near, I actually "stalked" him(lol) from head to bottom.... aside from his gorgeous hair, he wasn't that tall as an "ah-mo-lang", probaly only 5'10 or more. But the way he moved his body while playing the violin was just.....whao! While I watched him, it seemed like he was moving, ascending from cloud to cloud. Yes, I may be a flowery writer, but that was how I felt then. It was just wonderful. His fingering was beyond words.... and his bowing... was just something I imagine doing in my dreams. If you know nothing of playing a violin then you would say he was acting like a mad man up there.... but through all the madness, the music produced was fit for utopia.
I observed every move he made, it was as if he was in a trance, he closed his eyes most of it, as if playing from his very soul. Thought it all, through out all the bodily expressions he made, his right foot always remained where it was, which was something to behold. For thoughout his drastic movements, he didn't buldge to another place or space... keeping compolsure. As I watched him, I could see much sweat clining to his fair and concentrated face, I could hear him breathe - literally taking every breathe in. The stroke of his arm show no signs of tiredness and his position with the violin was simple spectaculor. There were 4 encores or more! He then returned in favour of the crowd to play an extra song by my favourite composer, Tschailowsky - None but the lonely Heart. He was awesome. After all that I have said, it is never enough. For words can only go so far, you had to be there. To be there in that hall. With Joshua Bell....

And his violin was the 1713 Gibson ex Huberman Stradivarius which he paid US$ 4 MILLION for it!!! It was lovely enough to be in the presence of such "a beautiful being and his magic" (too much? lol) but to witness him playing such a legendary instrument was like being in a different world....

Okay, I know you're thinking that I am being TOO MUCH of a fanatic (I am not that bad la), but music really can heal or in my case, lift the soul....it was all so beautiful. I am actually listening to his music now... very serenading.

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My stupid camera cable is duno-having-some-trouble-but-looks-like-nothing problem!! The camera is fine, it is able to take pictures but the cable cant seem to transfer the pics to the laptop!!! Hence I can't upload any pictures for the time being!!! ARGHHHHH!!!! (Big time!)

So no pics, hard to blog a bit...hahaha. Hence I missed out a lot in here d. Cause pics say a "thousand" words and without pics, it would be only my "thousand" words and as much as I love to write, it can be little tedious repeatedly over. Besides, the blog would look dull and mundane. LOL, thats why I am contantly putting icons in to decorate it a litte :)

SIGHS*

Anyway.... have a huggy day and muacks! God bless!


p/s: despite the beautiful performance by Joshua Bell, I couldn't be inspired enough to practise my violin...LOL!