Dance in the rain.... and dont get striked by lightning.

It's been sometime since I sit in the college computer lab so early in the morning. And I kind of miss the feeling. The feeling of doing whatever I want alone in a huge room full of people I dont know. :)

But this doesn't happen often, for since all of my classes are in the afternoon, this is as good as it gets. It is refreshing here, listening to my MP3, with Pearl Harbour's OST ringing in my ear, giving me the soothness of soul in "Tennesse".

There is so much to be said, so much to be heard and so much to "suck" in....

It is as if my life is blowing up with so many miniature matters that just clustters my head upside down. And I just don't know where to begin...

For starters, I had one of the most horrible dream I had since I was a little girl, I freaked out big time. But I am not going to state what happened, just glad it was a dream.. more like a nightmare!

College is sitll very much hectic. It is only the second week and I am sorta struggling to keep on and understand stuff. My first assignment is a totaly blur, and I might just get zero for it :P But it is only 2.5%..... still, eventhough every mark counts, I just can't seem to bother. I am just so restless and tired inside.

Sometimes I feel like this:

Like just siting in a little cup fit for me....

Just hiding in there and keeping the O-so-cluttered-world away from me.

Maybe I just some sayang la...

I had a refreshing conversation with Jon the other day and some words just struck me, hard. And it was so true, as if everything he said was implemented for me. I cant quote him exactly, but a sentence got me here: "When you kill something in you, a part of your soul dies" (something like that, concept la). And that "something" isnt anything bad la, just not meant to be there at the moment (but essential to us at the same time).

And it got me there, right then. It was a phrase that describe what I was feeling inside.

Since everything.... I just start killing "it" all in me.... sometimes forcefully, bluntly and even reluctantly. All for the sake to be "right in life". And sometimes I feel that if I keep doing that, I am not going to get it back in the near future when it is time for me to embrace it permanantly.

Bottomline, sometimes I refuse to "Kill" it all because I am afraid I would lose the spark in me..... And that spark is the thing that keeps me going most of the time...

Dont get it, nvm. Its personal anyway....

And it is so hard to kill.... would you kill the kitty?

Or maybe give it away???

I guess it ain't my kitty to keep....

"Parting is such sweet sorrow...."

But I suppose it is the Lord's will and everything will fall into place in the right time.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all else shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33)

"Ther right thing in the wrong time is a wrong thing" -Joshua Harris; I kissed dating goodbye

(not direct quote)

I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back....!

Wake up Philee Tan!!! The race has already begun!

Get out spiders! I know spiderman!

Hello !!!!

You must be wondering what's with all the "spiderwebs" in my blog, heheh. Well, my laptop punya connection has decided to "miraculously" die on me permanantly I think. So I have been having difficulties going online in my room and taking my own sweet time to blog. Hence I can only sometimes use my koko's laptop when he isn't using it - hence (again) limiting my time and leisure to post something up.

FYI, (updates)
- Degree baru start (moi no like - first day dah stress), assignments on first day - and tak tahu do also, lol.
- Metabolism turun suddenly (?)
- Bonding with cousin bro from Belgium more (long story to it).
- A little addicted to American "Gimrummy" (however you spell it :P)
- Found a lot of new cute and catchy icons but can't upload cause they are in my laptop and I am using my koko's one now. :(
- Getting lazy when college start - break too lama d. Procastinating like a lembu~ :P
- Thanks banyak-banyak to Yiang for being my college driver (lol) and in return as usual me as her personal college secretary (lol).
- I haven't watched Simpsons yet!
- Going for ROCK CLIMBING soon (yeah baby!)
- McD got nuggets mania!!! Long live McD~ LOL!
- Actually a lot of HAPPENING stuff happened lately (birthdays, gatherings, friends, activities, dinner, lunches, cool stuff, etc) but it would be too much to blog all at once. Stupid laptop! Tambahan I have lots of PICS but the camera cable is still dead!
- Will try to "clean" my blog more and not let the "spiders" nest here, lol.
- Trying to be a good person (konon :P) and let go everything that hits my nerves - let the "greenary" begin! I am all for world peace - beginning in me!
- I miss a friend so so much... It's been twenty days since I last heard your voice - but it seems so much longer.... :(

Okay la, I gtg.... hope info for this entry is enough la. Hopefully the next time I balik to "clean" my blog is soon and with more "detergent", hehe.

Should I blog in pure and good English (to improve my standards - since we don't take English lessons in college - and I am too lazt to read!) or is it better to mix it up with Malay - be a typical Malaysian girl (maklum la, 50 independance day - should be more patriotic :P)

Hm... see la....hehe. Whatever suits my mood~

Cheerios and happy day to you folks!

Have a blessed day and may God smile sweetly upon you.

Lotsa huggies and smooches!

Something....

FUNNY TO TELL YOU!!! :P

LOL!

It all started....

Today Uncle Alain, Aunty Nancie, Gary, Mei Yee and I visited Batu Caves!

It was really nice.... too bad, due to the camera cable, I am still unable to upload pics!

But that is not the point here, what happened today was we climbed up 272 stairs to the top!

But that's still not the main point. :P

But what was really FUNNY was...... I ALMOST LITERALLY PASSED OUT AT THE TOP!!!

LOL!

For real! Actually.... I really almost lost conciousness and everything!

Of course it was very tiring to climb all the way up, but it wasn't that bad. So everything seemed fine untill after I reached the top. Then, suddenly, my heart was pounding harder than ever and my vision was getting really blur!

I quickly searched for the nearest chair and found a bench at the side. Without much hesitation, I just sat there and tried to breathe and calm down (before I get into a panic attack with my condition then).

But it got worse and worse than ever....

My heart begin to pound EVEN harder and it actually HURT like having a cardiac arrest! Not that I would know how it would feel, but it was BAD! Real BAD and I am trying not to exaggerate. I have never felt that way before!

My vision was blurer than ever, from terumbang-ambing to white light and then suddenly everything went red (like I was wearing red glasses or covered with blood) and I blacked out there on the bench - with God's grace, my aunt was there to hold me on.

I lied down on the bench with my head on my aunt's lap the whole time while the others went into the cave. Everything felt better then but it got bad whenever I tried to wake up and sit straight.

So yeah.... it is pretty funny and embarrassing....LOL! People were staring at me the whole time, hahaa. But I couldn't care less then and besides my aunt insisted that I wore her huge sun glasses for safety reasons. LOL!

Of course then the whole modly family just had to come up with their own conclusion on my condition concerning the event.

My aunt said I did not have enough good food/breakfast (I only ate one "yar chau kwai")

My another aunt said I didn't rest enough in between the long steps and strained myself.

My cousin said lack of exercise (and goes on bout this gym theory) . ;)

My dad said not enough vitamins? And that I should have taken more sugar...etc :P

My mum THINKS I HAVE INTERNAL (HEART?) PROBLEMS! (LOL)

My bro thinks I am lembik.

And I think everyone might just be right!!

LOL!

It happened to me before but never this BAD. But the previous times was because I didn't eat and played games during Sunday School Camp. And another time I was under the sun too long at the beach? Something like that, but this is just so bad I actually panicked - especially when you are so high up there with no canggih support. I was praying inside the whole time to the Lord. And through it all, He answered me (thank you Lord). After resting for quite some time, I managed to pick up my feet and quickly got down the 272 stairs at Batu Caves.

Boy, it was a... errr... unique experience! LOL! Especially the heart thing. It was beating so hard that it ached so hard that I could barely breathe. LOL!

I am telling you, it was really scary.... :P

Even when I came back home after it, my chest did not sit well with me. It felt really heavy and..erm... not comfortable (even now). But let's hope it will be ok soon. :)

Hypothesis: Maybe I am "taufu" la... :P

After that, we went to Ulu Yam to watch some scenery and to have lunch. The whole way there, I felt like I was having a fever. The wheather was so hot and the car wasn't really roomy then. So I was like "tahan-ing" the whole way.

The scenery was really green and nice but nothing beats lunch!

We has brinjal cooked with chilli (real nice :P), 1kg tom yam (best) prawn in a coconut, special friend frog legs (O_o" yes) and sweet and sour pork.

Every was great! And after the meal, I felt much better!

Later this evening, we all went out for Pulau Ketam steamboat (near my place) which was quite nice la to celebrate my aunt's birthday tomorrow.

There was good and bad experience today but in the end, I am smiling here while blogging bout today. So I am fine - eventhough I SOo would not want to to go through the heart thingie this morning. :P

Yeap, thats all. Have a nice, pleasant and blessed day O-lovely-people.

May God bless you and lotsa huggies and smiles!

P/S: Daphne dear, sorry I can't do your tag (I know it is really LATE d), love to but cant seem to. Reason is because the copy and paste thing just doesn't seem to work (some kind of format error la).

Here I am....

I like this quote :)

I am sure that most people have felt the feeling of being incompetent. Right? As normal as you are a human, there are times where you feel inferior to another being and think that you are not good enough. Well, I don't know about you but I feel that most of the time. *Sigh*

Yes, my self-esteem has never been anywhere above average. I first thought it was a girl thing, a phase in life where most normal beings go through especially when you are green and fresh. But then now I am not so sure if it's just a passing. Sometimes I hate it, this feeling of feeling that I am not good enough to do so many things in life. :(

Let me tell you something. At the end of my two month intership in FH Communications during the supervisor evaluation, my lowest grade was "self conficence" - 2/5. LOL! Yes, it is.

It has always been something I have lack not only now but even when I was young teen.

Sure I have times in which I thought I was better than others - during childhood la, :P

But as I grew I noticed confidence has a fine line with arrogance. And as "kasar" as I am, I do not sit well with arrogance. Whenever I used to feel "sombong" last time, I would then later on feel that the ground beneath my feet was crumbling and would be embarrased for thinking I was good - even when I was!

It's like I have this system in my body that tells myself that if I am "confident" I might be an arrogant person and I would feel bad about it! The feeling is like if I think I am good, then I am actually far from it. Like I don't deserve to be good. LOL. I have no problem giving confidence to people (and I am good at it) but I just can't seem to input it in my own head.

I am not saying that confidence is no good, as a matter of fact it is very GOOD. But I guess I am not fit enough to handle it?

LOL

I don't know la, I dont like feeling inferior to others but at the same time I find it hard to be confident without breaking my own nose. I just want to be the person who has what it takes and be fine about it....

Well, I guess no wonder I ain't sexy right? LOL

But I should try to slowly eliminate all that and build up more character. Hmmm... maybe shouting and "OOOoo Aaaa ing" like a gorila? - that might just help? :P

Whatever it is, I put my esteem in the Lord and pray that He will show me His will and provide what is necessery to do it. Amen. :)

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Ok, emo moment gone there. Let me blabber out what has happened in the past couple of days (aside from the emotional drama in my life last week - tehee). Me and my parents attended my dad's office punya family camp (Malaysian Care) in Golden Sand, Baptist Centre, Port Dickson. It was more fun than expected. Tehee... for starters I didnt' sob a tear then (parents with me all the time ma...lol) and end up laughing more than I did in a very long time. Yes... it was sorta fun, more than FUN!

We has Fun Night in the weekend and I laughed most of the time like a stupid retarded person from planet Pluto. LOL!

Let's just say the drama and skits and games were hilarious. I was in Team Joy, we got last but that was ok, cause the FUN was just too much. Boy... I can still think about it now and crack my stomach open! :)

The games in the beach was fun too, FYI, my team won 3 times for the tug-o-war! LOL! Yeah baby, I am tough! Super LOL!!!

The beach was also great - especially low tide. The sand was beautiful and smooth, the water was shallow and CLEAR! My dad and I just had to walk in the shallow but "deep" water to "pick" up hermit crabs! LOL.... (but we let them go la). It was great, and during mid noon when the sun is high and no one is at the beach, I dragged my dad then to witness "nature at its best"! Believe it or not, during low tide when the sun is high, MILLIONS of baby crabs come up to the sand to feed! I have no pictures, but the scene was FANTASTIC! From far it seemed like a HUGE swarm of red ants covering the beach, lol.

At first I freaked out bad as my dad literally dragged me across all the crawling crabs! LOL, it was a funny scene, I was jumping all the way! But they were quite harmless la, just that the sight of SO MANY of them caught my tingling sense off guard. I wish all of you could see it, it was ...whao!. Amen to the Lord!

"If God can provide for all those millions of tiny crabs (and all the creatures in the world), He can sure do the same for us. For if the lesser creatures are well taken care off, we can rest assure that we humans are better blessed. So let Him take place in our lives and have a "more-than-crabby-day". LOL."

So the camp did me good! :) As the matter of fact, the sessions were quite refreshing. Lol, and the main theme was Matthew 6:33 - "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness". Hit a point there? I guess it is His will that I attended the camp. God's will is just so clear when you "open" your eyes to it. :) Thank you God. You are amazingly AWESOME!

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After that, the start of my week was okay... :)

Had a "nice" orientation in college for degree. FYI, I am now under Murdoch University - Perth (soon to be fitly verified next Monday) and I am actually glad I am going for it. Well, for starters, it turns out the whole thing KDU + Murdoch fee is so expensive! To you rich kids, nevermind la - lol. But it ain't so for me, I could actually feel my parent's burden financially. But God is gracious, He has bestowed upon me loving parents who is willing to sacrifice much for my future. I love Him and my parents so much! Thank you for being in my life!

So in return, I will have to study and concentrate hard to obtain good results to not let my parents hope and money go in vain. (Can ar? :P lol) I do hope so, gambate Philee Tan!

This is the time to prove that I can do better than what I think . This is the time to eliminate the "lowness" of my self-esteem and push my limits. I am not a nerdy smart of a person but I think I can go for a B and above if I want, lol. So wish me toughness and hardworking! LOL!

So besides college and all, I had a chance to spend a lovely afternoon with my good-from-day-one-in-college-friend Yiang! LOL, before that, we hung out a little a couple of days ago at my place after grocery (yes) shopping at Tesco. Hahaha...

Then yesterday after orientation we went to 1 Utama with the main purpose of getting a passport photo (for the Murdoch student card thing) but end up having more than bargained.

LOL

We had a VERY good lunch at Johnny's (Steamboat) . It was a the perfect place then to eat as she was still little ill from her previous sickness, hence the food there is "jernih and sesuai". What more as the both of us love the food there. FYI, we like the same kind of things in steamboat, so its good cause we only order what we want and share and not having problems with unwanted stuff in the pot. LOL.

We had fish "worms" (lol), chicken balls, seaweed, spinach noodles, glass noodles, chinese cabbage, fish paste, fish chunks, mushrooms and etc etc....haha. It was nice and we finished everything literally! Even the soup! Everything wiped out! LOL!!!

That was the best lunch I had in days, lol.

After that had to get passport picture la, but then.....SHOPPING just came to place when everything was settled. Yes, we decided to accidently splurge!

Hahaha, we bought a lot of stuff and CLOTHES! Cause SALE ma and errr.... it was just the spur of the moment. I got a nice price on a sleeveless top and a matching cardigan at I.P Zone while Yiang got a yellow blouse. After that we went to this shop which was a "Play Boy" brand shop but with many other brands in it - Comma, Mickey Mouse etc. I bought a after-sale-cheap bright green T-Shirt which I think it was cute la. Then we jalan-jalan and bought several other etc stuff.

Last but not least, we went into Forever 21 (for me, believe it or not, it was my first time) to check out more. It turns out, there was a lot of nice baju la. Yiang and I "banyak ambik and try baju", lol. I took a certain liking to this pink dress/top which I think looked cute and simple la. It has a low V cut that shows a very nice "longkang", LOL. Cute but sexy. However unfortunately it was three digits in money and if I wanted to purchase it, I would have to go to the ATM. Not that it wasn't worth it - I wanted it bad. But I told myself I couldn't cause it would've been a bad habit. Besides, my mum would freak (dah la dah byk beli)!

Besides that, there was this another pink blouse than looked almost the same as the dress (but shorter and err.. nice). I took a liking to it too (the both pink blouse and dress) but decided the same that it wouldn't be wise to purchase either of em. :(

Anyone wants to buy it/them for me?! :P

LOL

Yiang bought this pretty yellow dream/top which looked really nice on her. Happy for you dear. :)

Errr...hehe. During the changing of clothes in the stalls, when I gazed at my half naked self in the mirror (lol), I begin to noticed something....

NEVER GO SHOPPING AFTER A GOOD FULL STOMACH OF LUNCH!!! LOL!!!!!

LOL!!! So yeah... hahahah..... or maybe I need to lay off some food la, lol.

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I am fine.

I truly am in a joyful way.

Sure, there will be emotional times and tears will come and go.

But I will still be smiling at the end of the day for God's very blessing in my life. :)

Thank you to whom ever you are in my life be it near or far, big or small. "Your" presence (even in the shortest moment of passing) has been a blessing in many tiny and various ways. Even if we are not aquainted, but if you happend to read this, know that I love you with the love of the Lord and *smiles*. :)